Thursday, September 23, 2010

Due Date

I talked with R yesterday after her OB appointment. She's not dilated at all and it sounds like it could be a few more days, or several. Her next appointment is scheduled for next Thursday, when they'll scheduled an induction, if she hasn't already had the baby of course.

I'm was just sitting here pondering why I haven't been on here posting a ton, which is what I thought I'd be doing. Why am I not telling you how we've been getting the nursery ready, doing baby laundry, cleaning the house, freezing dinners, etc...? Why haven't I been telling you how we've narrowed our choices of names down to 2-3 (no, I'm not going to tell you what they are. Everyone's going to have to wait til the baby is born)? Why have I been avoiding the topic of our baby? Well, here it is. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm bit debilitated by my fear. What happens, how do I continue to stand, if this isn't our baby? If R changes her mind (and I would absolutely not be upset with her if she did that, this is, after all, HER baby until she decides he is ours), what will I do? I'm afraid to get too excited. I'm afraid to get too attached. He may not be our son. I'm afraid that devastation will be too much for me if I've gotten too attached. I'm afraid of how the kid will handle it if we have to tell him, "oops, sorry, you're not really getting a baby brother in the next week". I don't know how hubby would be, or if I would even be able to comfort him, or the kid, because of my own sorrow.

This is hard, so damn hard. I never felt like this with the kid. I knew from the moment we got that phone call that the baby was going to be our child. Now, I feel so guilty not being joyful in my preparations, thoughts, and feelings. I want to be excited. I want to be able to talk about him all the time. I want to be able to tell everyone I meet that we're about to be parents again. I'm just too scared. Instead, when I do find myself telling people, it's for a specific reason (like at work - "I may be out for the next 6 weeks, but so-and-so is here if you need someone"). And I feel guilty. Guilty that I'm not in a place to joyfully welcome new life to the world, to our family. Guilty that I can't share hubby's excitement and joy. Guilty that I'm not trusting enough, or having enough faith. Guilty and scared. It sucks. It's not where I want to be. I just don't know how to get past it...

Today's lesson - waiting still sucks.


Donna said...

I'll tell you what i think the difference is. Now that you have been a mom you have a true understand of the horror of losing a child. You couldn't possibly have understood the magnitude of that before Clark. All us who have more than one kid get that. The second one is born with love AND relief that all went well. Good luck. That's all any of us can hope for, birth mom or adopting mom.

Becky said...

I meant to respondd to you earlier, but things have, well, a bit crazy. Your comment, Donna, really touched me and helped me to feel so much better. Thank you.