Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I was wrong.

There. I said it. I was wrong. And, even more, I'm glad I was wrong. That's right. About what, you ask. Well let me tell you. It's a pretty big deal. We had a visit with our social workers today, which was fine, no big deal. Until they were walking out the door and just happened to mention something rather significant. Something huge really. We were under the impression we had to wait 6 months until we could file to finalize the adoption. (here comes the part where I was wrong) We don't! We can apply once baby E is 3 months old. Any of you do that math yet????????? I'll give you a moment..... That's right!!! That is on Christmas day, people, just 3 days from now!!!!! We're planning to use the same attorney as last time, so we just need to set up an appointment, get the paperwork filed and get a court date. This could/will still take a few months, but still, it's a lot sooner (like 6 months sooner) than expected. It's like the antithesis of all the waiting we've been doing for the last 2 years. Merry Christmas to us.

So today's lesson - I am capable of admitting I'm wrong. And hey, I'm even capable of actually being wrong. Who knew?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

There's nothing quite like baby love

I was nursing baby E a bit ago and teared up. He's been rather pitiful today since getting his first shots which has resulted in him taking forever to nurse. Sometimes this would drive me crazy (i.e. 3am), today though, I'm loving it. I sat here and realized something... I adore this baby. Like totally head over heels, heart bursting open love this little fellow. It's interesting because though I love the kid with my whole being, he's a lot of work. You know, the dealing with backtalk, running around like an insane asylum escapee, etc... kind of stuff. Baby E, on the other hand, just is. He's happy as long as he's being held. He demands so little, and his demands are easy to determine. The kid, well, he's just a lot more complicated, and it's often harder to meet his needs.

For example, if baby E is hungry, he sucks his tongue, or fusses a little and we feed him. End of story. Happy, content little being. The kid gets cranky, and falls apart, that's the way we know he's hungry, as he's often engaged in something more interesting and is overly hungry before he probably even realizes it much less lets us know. And there's generally a lot of fussing, and telling him what to do - and what not to do, and crankiness in general before he finally eats. And eating doesn't always mean he is happy afterwards. I know, I know. There's a whole blood sugar component. But, the point of it all is, he's just a bit more complicated.

So, though I love that kiddo with all that I am, for right now, baby E is just easier to be in love with. And, truth be told, I really feel guilty about it. I feel sometimes like I'm neglecting the kid, and poor hubby, because I am so wrapped up in a little cocoon of a world with baby E. And, I am embarrassed to admit, I kind of like it, the "us-ness" of my little world with baby E and though I know I need to open it up to the rest of my little family, I am feeling selfish and don't want to. But it's happening anyway, even without my "allowing" it.

Baby E started laughing tonight (well, he's laughed a few times in his sleep, but this was the first time he was awake, saw something and laughed in direct response). And the little stinker, did he laugh at me? NO!!!!! Hubby called me in to see/hear the most adorable spectacle. I teared up it was so dear. And probably also a little because he had the nerve to laugh at hubby for the first time instead of me. I tried to get baby E to laugh at me by doing the same thing hubby was doing and baby E just looked at me like I was infringing on his time with his Poppa. It kinda hurt my feelings a little.

I know it's good. It's what's in the best interest of all of us. But it makes me a little sad. I'm glad to see the relationship growing so strongly between hubby and baby E, but I'm a little jealous. I think it's time, though, for me to come out of the cocoon, and rejoin the rest of my family. It's bigger by 1 person now, and probably even more chaotic. I hope I'm ready...

Today's lesson - in case you're not aware, Christmas is in 4 short days. I hope you're ready. I am...not. At all. Crap.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Our big week

We've had a pretty big week around here. First I was offered, and accepted, a new job! Well, I should give you some background. The week before last, hubby and I made the huge decision that I was going to quit my job and be a SAHM, at least for awhile (6month trial run kind of deal). Well, within 12 hours of making that decision, I got 2 calls for job interviews. 1 of the jobs I'd applied for on a whim like 2+ months ago even though I wasn't all that interested in it. The other I'd interviewed for a couple of years ago. They basically offered it to me, but, at the time it didn't have any benefits, so I had to turn it down. Well, recently they had a position open up and thought of me. I interviewed again and they offered it (this time with benefits) without even accepting applications or interviewing anyone else. The best part of this job, it will allow me to work from home at least 20hrs/week. It's seems like the best of both worlds - I continue to get a paycheck (and even a slight increase from what I make now) and I have so much more time home with baby E, the kid, and hubby. I do believe this job is the answer to our prayers!!

So the next huge (and even bigger than the job, if you can believe it) thing, is that the TPR is FINALLY done. There were a few stressful moments around that, specifically in regards to birthdad, but it's signed by the judge. Now, for those of you not familiar with adoptions, this does not mean his adoption is done. That's right, we still have months before that will be finalized. However, it does mean that neither birth parent has any legal rights to baby E from here on out. There is no changing his/her mind. It's done. It'll be at least 6 months before his adoption can be final, per state law, but that shouldn't any kind of an issue - thankfully. This, my friends, is an awesome Christmas present.

And, if all that weren't exciting enough, baby E has started rolling over! He did it randomly when he was about 6 weeks old, but hasn't repeated the trick. Until now. Today he has rolled over lots and lots of times. Funnily, he doesn't seem amused about it. I put him on his belly, he gets pissed, and then starts concentrating really hard. Then he flips over and sighs in relief. He doesn't smile, no, not at all. Just like "finally, it's about time" (even though he really gets over amazingly quick). This is how I know it's intentional, and not just another fluke. Which is interesting because it's not like he's been trying to do it and hasn't been successful. This rolling is totally out of the blue! It was like one minute he'd never even considered the possibility, then the next he was doing it. It's quite adorable. It was also adorable to have the kid watching and cheering baby E on. He's such a sweet kiddo!

Well, I think that's about it for us this week. Actually, I think it's about all the excitement I can handle what with trying to get ready for Christmas and all.

Today's lesson - even when you start getting ready for Christmas WAAAAAAYYYYY in advance, and think you're way ahead of the game, you're probably not. There will inevitably be all kinds of things that pop up, things that you just didn't think about. And you will still end up running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Also, anytime you sit down to start a project, the baby will wake up. Or the 4yo will break something. Thus is life. Enjoy the chaos, or you will go mad.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Anniversary of the Kid's Adoption Day

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of the kid's adoption day. I pointed it out to hubby and he said, "gosh, I wish we could get ahold of L and D" (the kid's birth parents). And that got me thinking about what I would tell them if I could talk to them. So here it is...

Dear L and D-
When I think about what our lives looked like before this kid, I don't know what we did. I don't even know who we were. This kid made me a momma. He altered my life in the most permanent way possible. He changed the core of who I am. He made me a better person. He also made me a more tired person. But I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to chase after, to talk to, to laugh at, to sing with, to read to, to snuggle in bed with, to explain things to, to love. We may have slept a lot more before he was born, but we were also a lot more boring.

I don't know what his life would have looked like had you chosen to parent him. But I do know what his life looks like now. First and most importantly, he is surrounded by people who completely adore him. Us, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, dear friends, and even a brother, who, at not even 3 months old, looks for him at the sound of his voice and lights up at the sight of his face. L and D, this child is so loved.
I know at least one family who made the choice to adopt directly because of this kid. I don't know what he will do with his life, but I know with my entire being that he will continue to affect other people in profound, positive, beautiful ways.

Also, he is so funny! He has the most delightful sense of humor, though he is also often funny without even knowing it. He loves words and language and picks them up with the most amazing speed. He is empathetic and intuitive. He adores his baby brother. He loves books, and legos, and dinosaurs, and swimming, and running, and camping, and hiking, and the outdoors, and music. He has the potential to be an amazing leader, though is so in tune with others' feelings, he sometimes makes poor choices to please or amuse them. He is a great eater and will pretty much eat anything, and will definitely take at least one bite. He has a total sweet tooth! Oh, yeah, he is made crazy by the slightest bit of red dye #40. Funnily, his favorite color is red, though he's not really a fan of purple.

I will never know for sure why you decided that you couldn't parent him, or why you chose us as his forever family. Nor will I ever know why you have decided that you can't be in our lives right now. I grieve for that. I grieve for your loss of this child. And I am grateful beyond words for the gift of him. Please know that we are always here, willing, wanting you to be in our lives. Please know that we think of you often, pray for you always. Know that we love you and are fostering that love in our son.

The words thank you are obviously inadequate, but in the end, they're all I'm left with.

Happy Adoption Day, kiddo! We love you and feel so blessed to be your parents.

Today's lesson - Candy canes have red dye in them. Red dye #40. Feel free to ask me why I know that for sure (other than it is very clearly written on the ingredient list of the box). Feel free to ask me why I didn't read that stupid box until it was too late.

Friday, December 10, 2010

What's in a Name?

It's funny how we end up with nicknames. Some of our names are derivatives of our given names (i.e. Becky comes from Rebecca). Sometimes they're completely random, or, as is the case in my mom's family, start random, then become kind of a theme. My grandfather called my mom, the first of 6 kiddos, Cabbage. Then my aunt came along and she was Carrot. Then came another aunt (whose nickname I can't remember right now), and then aunt Doughnut. Then there were 2 boys, whose nicknames I also can't remember. But you get the gist, they were all foods.

Some nicknames are given because we remind someone of someone, or something else. For instance, the kid is also known as "bug-a-boo" or simply "bug" in my house. Mostly it's me who uses this nickname, but I do so pretty often, and the kid will respond to it at least as consistently as he does to his actual name (which, frankly, is sporadic, particularly when he's engaged in something interesting). I'm not entirely sure how he ended up with that nickname, but it popped up somewhere around the 8-9 month mark, and has stuck. And really it fits him. He's a boy who likes the outdoors and dirt and sticks. He likes to climb and crawl and certainly tries to fly. He's kind of like a bug. See, it fits.

Sometimes our nicknames come from something we do. I realized yesterday that baby E has become "Gee" (like "glee", minus the "L". Sidebar - may I just say how entertaining I find that show. Though I do think it was better last season than this season...). It's because he vocalizes the sound "gee", and has since he was teenie tiny, as kind of his warning signal that he's about to really start crying. He says "gee" while kind of moving his head around, with this concerned look on his face. And you'd better respond to that "gee" or you're sure to get a fullblown scream out of him in about 45 seconds. It's kind of adorable (the "gee", not the scream). And it's something that's unique about him.

Now, I totally didn't start calling him that on purpose. I would repeat his "gee" to him in an attempt to engage him in "conversation" to give myself a few more minutes before the screaming starts (and yes, that does work most of the time). And then I just heard myself when I was talking to him last night say something like this "hey, Gee. Hi my baby. Whatcha doing? Do you see those lights on our tree, Gee?". Then I noticed hubby looking at me strange, and I was all like "yeah, I call him Gee. I just heard that. I don't know why. I wonder why I do that. It's kinda cute though and fits him, don't you think?". Then I realized hubby wasn't paying attention at all to what I was saying and was actually looking at my boobs which were kind of "out there" because of the nursing shirt I was wearing. So I told him to look at my eyes. He was too distracted though to listen to me. Go figure.

Today's lesson - while using a breastpump every 3ish hours is nothing akin to fun, it is, I have recently discovered, a good time to take a 15 minute nap. Gotta get caught up on that sleep somehow!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Back at work

I can't believe it's been a whole week since I blogged. But, I suppose it makes sense since I've been so much busier being back at work and all. Wednesday was okay, because baby E was with me. Thursday wasn't too bad, because it was a short day (since baby E had his 2 month check up - more about that later), and my co-worker had her baby there for a few hours, which actually helped. Friday, though. Ugh. Friday kinda sucked. It was really quiet and I was exhausted (baby E got up a 430am, and by the time he went back to sleep, there was no point in going back bed; I only got about 5 hrs of sleep that night) and that made the day super long.

Baby E, fortunately, seems to be just fine. My dear friend is keeping him, which, frankly, is the only way I could bear to go back to work at all. I am glad he's fine, though a part of me wishes he would be fussy and unhappy, realize I was gone in some way! Instead, he seems completely content, the little stinker. It's good, I know, but still, a little bit of missing me would be nice.

I, however, don't think I can continue to do this. I don't want to work. I want be home. I want to focus on being a mommy, a wife. Hubby and I are actually seriously considering this. We are looking at our finances to see if it is even the slightest possibility. I know it will be a huge lifestyle change for us. I didn't think that would be okay. Now I do. I think it's worth it to spend so much time with my family. I now have a hard time seeing why I wouldn't want to be here (other than the financial aspect, which is, admittedly a huge consideration). Before, whenever I thought about staying home, I immediately thought about the professional needs I have. To be honest, I'm not feeling those tugs right now. And I know that there will always be social work jobs out there. Because I know the time will come when I'm ready to work again, when I need to focus my attention on my professional self, and not just my mommy and wife self. I just don't think that time is right now...

Oh yeah. Baby E's 2 month check up. He was up to 11lbs - that's 3lbs in 6weeks, people! Seriously, that baby sure loves to eat. The pediatrician said he looks great (and again repeated that whole "He's perfect. I think you should keep him" spiel, which was irritating and elicited a blank stare from me; I still don't think she got it). We'd decided before going that we're going to delay some immunizations. Baby E isn't in a daycare, or around a bunch of kids, so he's not at high risk. Some of the vaccinations we'll get soon, others, though, I'd prefer to hold off on for quite a while. I mean, really, why does an infant need an immunization for Hepatitis B? The pediatrician gave me "the look" and sighed, rolling her eyes a bit, when we told her we're going to delay. But when I asked her why he needed Hep B, she floundered and admitted that he doesn't. Same thing happened with regards to a couple of the others. I could tell she was getting annoyed, but oh well. I agreed that we'll get a couple, and then she said they couldn't give them there anyway since he's still on a medical card (can't be put on our insurance at present - complicated adoption thing) which doens't reimburse them enough. She said we'll have to go to the health department. Sigh. Nothing seems to be easy with baby E. Well, that's not true. Loving him has been easy. That makes up for the rest of the craziness.

Today's lesson - when talking to your kid about the yellow snow, make SURE he didn't eat it before he gives you a big, sloppy, wet kiss. Yeah. That's just gross.