Do this, don't do that. Can't you read the signs?

When I was in the midst of my infertility, and still trying to get pregnant, I used to play all kinds of games with myself just to cope. The "games" I used to play most often were looking for signs and making deals. I looked for signs in everything."By the time I finish this bottle of prenatal vitamins, I'll be pregnant." "Before this client has her baby, I'll be pregnant." "Once hubby and I get through this rough patch, we'll get pregnant." "If I just calm down and enjoy this vacation, we'll get pregnant." "The next time a butterfly lands on me will mean that the baby is on it's way." Bargains between me and God. Seems I forgot to mention it to God though, as it never worked.

But I find myself doing this again now. It never happened with the kid, I think because there really was no waiting. This time that's all there seems to be. So now I find myself bargaining again and looking for signs. "By the time I finish this bottle of vitamins, our baby will be here." "Our baby will come before all these pregnant women around me have theirs." "Once I get a new job and get settled, our baby will be born." "When we go out of town, we'll get 'the call'." "That girl was in my class when the kid was born and I haven't seen her since. It must be the sign." "The new priest at our church was actually the priest at the church we were attending when the kid was born." All kinds of crazy, arbitrary events and deals that seem to signify to me that our baby is on his or her way. All kinds of anxiety and wasted time thinking about and looking for signs that really mean nothing.

I think all of this is my way of trying to make sense out of what we're going through, and my way of trying to exert some kind of control. We just have to deal with certain situations, or get something accomplished to "be ready" for our baby, or once we pass these "tests" we'll prove that we're ready and able. And what my brain knows is that this whole sign stuff is probably just silly. That there's nothing I can do to make this go any faster. It's God's timeline, not mine, so coming up with arbitrary events or deadlines does nothing but make me even crazier. Yeah, my head gets that, my heart doesn't. My heart just won't go along with the rationale that I have no control over any of this. That thought just makes my heart drop into the pit of my stomach where my brain can't reach it.

Today's lesson - it sucks to feel like you have absolutely no control over your life. This is probably related to why toddlers have so many tantrums - they recognize that life is full of choices, but they aren't allowed to make many for themselves. Excuse me while I go have a smallish sort of tantrum.