Monday, October 31, 2011

A Halloween-worthy experience

I'm not sure if you remember this picture from our trip to Charleston. Who am I kidding? I know you don't remember it. I mean why in the world would you remember it?! Anywho, it's an old plantation house. I know it doesn't look like what I expected a plantation to look like either. The look of the house was disappointing. Though the rest of our experience wasn't at all.

We arrived late, because we got super lost. If you know us, you know how much fun that was since we both love getting lost and all. (Sidebar - I think we've given our child an anxiety disorder related to getting lost. He easily has the best sense of direction in our family, but still freaks whenever we get lost. Gotta ensure that future generations of social worker and therapists have jobs somehow. It's all about each of us doing our own little part in the world. Yay us. Sidebar/tangent over.)  So, anyway, the benefit to us having gotten lost, is that by the time we got there the crowds had gone and we had the plantation mostly to ourselves. Super cool. By the time we even got around to looking at the house (just the outside because they asked us not to do the inside tour - lol - because of the kid, which, really, was probably a good call), even the employees were starting to head out.

We were nearly done, and the big boys hit the bathroom before we tried to find our way back to the condo. I had baby E in the ever present Moby. We were walking up to the edge of this little side garden. I was just strolling slowly and quietly. Baby E was silent, maybe even asleep. As I came around the corner and saw the garden, I noticed a women in period clothes sitting on this bench (that the kid is standing on in the picture below). She had on a light pink dress with little flowers on it. Some blond hair peeked out from under her bonnet. She was reading a book, her head bent down, absorbed in her book.

A first I thought she was an employee. But then I realized she wasn't really there. She was there, but not. She was real, but not. She was, but wasn't.

It was such a peaceful moment. Quiet. Calm. Absolutely. Peaceful.

Just then I head the kid come barreling towards me. I turned around to greet him. When I turned back, she was no longer there. Gone.

I didn't say anything to hubby or the kid. I just breathed in the last of the peaceful feeling and walked over the bench, calling the kid, and we took a picture. To remind me of this amazing experience I had.

Today's lesson - mysterious things happen. At least in my world. What about in yours? I'd love to hear your mysterious experience!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Bad days are relative

It was a rough morning at my house. There was yelling (me) and frustration (me and the kid). There were threats ("if you don't get those shoes on by the time I count to 10, there will be big, bad consequences, mister"). There were tears ("I can't find my socks"). There was muttering under the breath ("OMG!!!!! Why can't this kid get his shit together this morning??!!!!"). There was stomping down the stairs (maybe both of us) and cries of unfairness ("you NEVER wait for ME!!"). There were text messages sent to husbands cussing at them for not doing something just the right way. In short, there were big girl and little boy sized tantrums going on. It was ugly, y'all.

I finally got us all into the car with all of our crap (maybe?!) and I started to have a mini-meltdown (just in my head). You see, I remembered something important. There's a little girl named Bailey. The kid used to go to school with her at his Montessori school. Her mama was one of his teachers when he was a toddler. And this adorable, blonde-headed 4 year and her gentle, beautiful parents have been told that she is riddled with cancer. They just found out this week. She starts Chemo tomorrow. She has tumors throughout her body. It's stage 4. She's 4, people. She still such a tiny little human. And she has stage 4 cancer. On her liver. In her bones. Stage. 4. Cancer.

That is a bad day. Running late for school? Not a bad day. Too fat to fit into any of my clothes? Not a bad day. Can't find socks? Not a bad day. Banana goo on my pants? Not a bad day. Homework not being done just right? Not a bad day. Starbucks gift card out of money? Not a bad day. Your baby having cancer? That is the worst day possible.

So, today, I will try to remember that my bad day, isn't really bad. It's irritating and inconvenient. I have two healthy children. I will not have to watch one of my children undergo chemo. And that makes today a good day.

Today I will pray for little Bailey and for her parents. I would so appreciate it if you would, too.

Today's lesson - Perspective is so easy to lose. Gratefulness is easy to forget. Banana goo is just banana goo. It washes out. Somethings are not so easily undone.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

It wasn't exactly what I expected. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes I overreact. Sometimes I over-think things. Sometimes I imagine things to be more difficult than they need be. It's possible today's visit may have been one of those things. (The kid's parent-teacher conference is not. It really did suck as expected. But that's a post for another day. Mostly because I'm still too irritated to write it right now.)

To start off, we were late. The kid just had to have a nap today, and I - as always - was hesitant to wake him up. I sent L a facebook message, though I don't think they got it til right before we showed up about 45 minutes late. I'm sure this made them a little anxious.

The visit was...interesting. It was easy and friendly, like it had been only a couple of months since we'd seen them, and not almost 3 years. We chatted constantly. And was mostly about... nothing. I don't know what I expected, but - honestly - I think I'm a little disappointed. I think I wanted them ask question after question about the kid. I kept throwing out things - the asthma, his love of swimming/lack of fear of water, the constant talking at school - but it didn't seem like we got a whole lot of a response. I mean, they did comment some (L said her brother has allergy/seasonal asthma which is great to know, and D said he, too, was always in trouble in elementary school for talking). But that was about it. Again, not sure what I wanted to happen, I guess those things to lead to further conversation. They didn't.

So I kinda stopped tossing things out there. And they didn't really ask any questions. I took some pics for them. I thought they might be a good conversation starter. Seems they weren't useful exactly. They did look through the pictures, but the pics didn't lead to any questions or comments.

Now, I don't think it's that they're not interested in the kid. Like, they wouldn't have contacted us if that were the case! And they did seem really happy to see him, to see us all. Maybe they were uncertain about how to proceed also? I'm sure they were. This is a different kind of relationship. It has no rules, no role models. It is relatively uncommon. They've never done it before and it has been a long time sive we've all seen each other. I don't know...

The kid played with his birth sister mostly. They ran around happily, playing tag, bouncing, coloring with sidewalk chalk. They got along great. And there was no talk about what their relationship was. Well, at least not within my earshot. And I have no idea what L and D may or may not have said to their children. Despite all my worrying about this particular thing, it didn't seem to matter.

We left things with both saying we hoped to get together again soon. I so hope that will be the case. Their lives seem to have settled down quite a bit, so hopefully it will be a possibility for them.

At dinner tonight, the kid had some questions, really only about about his siblings. So we gave him the answers to the best of our ability. He hasn't yet asked the question I keep waiting for...why? Why do my brother and sister live with L and D and I live with you? It's coming and I'm not really looking forward to it. I can only hope we'll handle it with grace. I can only hope it, too, will be easier than expected.

Today's lesson - Sometimes things really will be easier than you expected. And you've gotten all worked up unnecessarily. Wouldn't it be nice to have spent that energy on something more useful? Like dusting. Or a game of Go Fish. Or anything really.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Seems like it's actually kind of complicated

I think I mentioned that we heard from the kid's birth parents a couple weeks ago (after nearly 3 years of no contact at all!!). Well, we have a visit scheduled for this weekend! I'm super excited about it. But I'm a little worried/confused/uncertain about what to say to the kid, how to prepare him.

See, here's the thing... the kid's birth parents didn't share with nearly anyone (actually, as far as we know, absolutely anyone) that they were pregnant and then made an adoption plan for a child. So, this wasn't so much an issue when their 2 other children were younger, because you know, they were, as little kids tend to be, completely unconcerned about who this kid who looked an awful lot like them was and what he was doing in their house every once in a while with his somewhat, uh, paler parents.

But it's 3 years later now. And they're at ages when they're probably going to notice such things. And ask questions. It was one of the reasons we thought they might have disappeared before, because the kids were starting to notice and maybe ask. Now it may not be the case at all, that they'll question our presence and who the kid is, but it certainly would complicate things for them. And it certainly seems likely.

Okay, so what that means is... I don't know what to say to the kid about our upcoming visit. It's entirely possible that their kids won't be there. And that will be really sad for my boy because, let me tell you, that kid wants to meet his bio brother and sister. With baby E having had contact of late with his bio sister, the kid is a bit jealous - and probably confused - that his baby brother has a sister and he does too (in addition to an older brother), but he doesn't know or see her. If the other kids are there, well, the kid isn't going to mince words or time in clarifying for them that he is their brother. I don't want this to complicate things for L and D (assuming they've not told their kids about him). I also don't want the kid to get hurt in the midst of all of it either (as in with someone denying that he is their brother).

I suppose what I ought to do is have a convo with them beforehand so we all have a better idea of what to expect. And geez does that feel uncomfortable, especially after so long of no contact. I mean, they've always been very private people. And I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable either. Or for them to disappear again.  Ugh. I was so excited when they contacted us - and truly I still am! - but it certainly is more complicated than I'd anticipated. Funny, because that seems rather naive now, innocent excitement. But I really never stopped to think about the complications, the things that might be difficult or uncomfortable. The possibility that my kid could actually be hurt in all this.

Today's lesson - preparations for a parent teacher conference can be intense. Apparently there is research to be done. Lists of questions to be made. Lists of things to be covered to be made. Arguments to prepare. Counterarguments to anticipate. Laws and policies to read up on. Intense. Oh, wait. Maybe that's just me. Wish us luck, friends, as we walk into the lion's den (aka parent-teacher conference) this afternoon.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

To Answer Your Question...

I love you ladies (all of you, but particularly those who commented on my last post - both here and on FB). You are my people, lol! There's no education necessary for you all about the benefits of doing BLW, because you are already doing/have done it!

Lechelle asked me a question that I wanted to answer. Her question - and I paraphrase - is "do people really do things another way than BLW?!". And the short answer is absolutely yes, they do. Even more so, many professionals - pediatricians and WIC for starters - recommend it. WIC has very specific recommendations about what foods to start when (it used to be yellow veggies, followed by green ones, then fruits, etc... Now, I think, they start with meat, then go to veggies then fruits, with fewer specifiers about colors) and only covers baby food on its vouchers.

It's so interesting to me that the very families who would most benefit from the cost savings associated with feeding babies what you're eating (those who qualify for WIC) are so heavily encouraged to give them manufactured baby food which is infinitely more expensive. I get that many of those families may not have the best nutrition themselves, but, if we spent more time providing them with the information and resources needed to eat healthy themselves, then it wouldn't be an issue. Don't even get me started about how WIC is enabling, even encouraging formula feeding. That's another of my soapboxes entirely.

Confession time - I have been one of those professionals eschewing the importance of feeding babies only baby food, and in that very specific order. I bought what they were selling hook, line, and sinker. For al ong time I didn't take the time to research the reasons behind the recommendations (um, there isn't much). And I know if I (who is a bit obsessed about that kind of thing) don't ask for explanations, many people aren't going to either. While I knew I wouldn't ever be that anal about it all ever again, I didn't expect to cut out baby food completely. If I hadn't totally fallen into that BLW book, I don't know that we would have come into it on our own.

Today's lesson - it's so important to find your tribe, the group of people who truly gets you. These are the people who you don't have to explain yourself to. They're the ones who know where you're coming from. Or if they don't, they simply accept you anyway. They are a blessing. Even if you never meet some of them in the real world.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Update on Babyled Weaning

So, yeah, remember how I told you I'd let you know all about the babyled weaning? What we were giving baby E to eat, when, how he liked it, whether he choked? All that? Yeah, and I mentioned it the once (or thrice), and, I don't think, ever again. Well, I know he's 1 now and all, but I thought that I'd go ahead and give you the lowdown on how it worked for us, including whether or not it's something we'd do again. So, here ya go.

Babyled weaning is something that we totally fell into, completely by chance. I mean, I was at a local book store, waiting for a flashmob to start, when I happened to look over and see a book on it. I picked it up, as something to leaf through while waiting for the entertainment to start. And I was hooked. It sounded so interesting, and just kinda made sense to me. I was excited for baby E to finally be old enough to give it a go. Which, took a while.

When baby E was approximately 7 months old, we started offering him the foods we were eating. Asparagus, potatoes, apples, carrots, etc... At first, he really just picked it up and kind of "tested" it out, chewing and simply mouthing it. It was probably 6-8 weeks before he finally started eating some. I say it was that long because though the food was going in his mouth before that, it was then before it really started coming out, you know, in his diapers. Even then, it was probably only in the last 2 months that his bowel movements have become truly solid. Before that, they were like breastmilk-only (you know, yellow and pretty liquid-y) with a few chunks thrown in. (What? Was this more detail than you really wanted?! Sorry!)

Somewhere around the 11month mark, once E had a few teeth and seemed to know what to do with them, we added in some meat. This baby is certainly a carnivore! He'll eat anything (except sweet potatoes - HATES those!!!) but he sure loves meat. That, in hindsight, was probably about the time the diapers hit the solid and stinky mark. Yuck.

As far as choking goes, which several people had asked about and/or expressed concern, it's not been an issue. Sure, he's gagged a few times, but he's never actually choked. Now, to me, real choking involves something where I'd have to intervene, or when he experiences some kind of distress (during or after). It hasn't happened. I read where this wasn't supposed to happen, since babies have gag reflexes further forward in their mouths, but I wasn't convinced; we were waiting for the choking to happen. It simply didn't.

There are of course all kinds of great things about BLW. For instance we've allowed him to decide when and what he wants to eat. And, interestingly, he always over the course of a day, makes the choices of a balanced diet. There is no buying of baby food (or the extra expense associated with that). There is no making of baby food (and the extra time associated with that). He simply eats whatever it is we're eating.

Something I've noticed about baby E, is that he has fantastic fine motor skills (another benefit). And I think at least in part this is directly related to BLW. He gets all kinds of practice with those little fingers. This is an area the kid has always struggled with. And I wonder what a difference allowing him all this practice might have made for him. Obviously, too late to know for sure, but this one thing alone has convinced me about BLW.

Today's lesson - babyled weaning is awesome. Give it a shot. It's amazingly easy, simple. And just as messy - or possibly even less so! - than the babyfood on a spoon route. I don't know that I could have given up control in this way with my first baby, but I'm so glad I -we! - did with the 2nd.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My laptop

My laptop is screwed up. It's a little bit difficult for me to talk about (she says in jest...sort of). Hubby calls my laptop my "favorite baby". And that's not true. Mostly. I do kinda love my laptop. Okay, there, I admitted it. I *may* be slightly addicted to it. More accurately, I really like the constant stream of information I can access via my laptop. I like how quickly I can find things. How nosey I can be (look, I became a social worker partly because I could be nosey for a "good" reason). How I come across all kinds of things (Etsy, Pandora, using donated breast milk!) I never would otherwise. How I come across all kinds of people I never would have otherwise. I like the plugged-in-ness of it.

But, I don't think I'd realized how much time it was taking up. How much time I was using on it. Until it went all wacky on me this weekend. I wasn't on it all day Sunday, and I got tons done around the house. Like - dusting withstanding - my house hasn't been so clean in months. It's made me think about how I spend my time. Hubby has complained more and more over the last several months, how I head straight to the computer as soon as I get home. I mean, I still play with the boys, eat dinner with the family, etc..., but any "free time" is devoted to the computer. I blew him off because, really, between the time he spends watching TV and exercising, he's got no room to talk.

But, the last couple of days, I've realized he has a point. I have been spending a lot of time with my dear laptop. And, as much as I love it, I've also loved the feelings associated with how much cleaner the house is lately. And the increased time I've spent with my boys. All 3 of them. And I'm sure they've also appreciated it.

Last night hubby felt sorry for me, because apparently, after the kid went to bed, I was wondering around looking lost with nothing to do (now that wasn't actually the case, I was deep in thought about something, but whatev'). So he threw me a bone and let me use his ipod to check facebook. It made me happy. But, instead of having it up, where I could check in every 5 or 10 minutes, in between playing with baby E or other tasks, I only checked it a couple of times. So, I played with baby E. And read an interesting book. It was a relaxing, quiet kind of evening. I think I need more of those.

Today's lesson - the Internet is a marvelous place, capable of connecting us to people, places, and things all over the world. However, in some ways it also disconnects us from the people and places and things right in front of us. If we let it.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Birthday Bash - Hungry Caterpillar Style

So, I'm finally getting around to doing a post about baby E's awesome birthday party. So, here it is, in technicolor!

Here's the banner I told you about that I made (you know, and spelled his name wrong on). Regardless, it was super cute, if I do say so myself. I used my scrapbooking skills to make it with my Cricut, and then had hubby take it to school and laminate it (we're considering doing baby E's room over in the Hungry Caterpillar theme so it would be perfect to use in there). I then hole punched and strung ribbon to put it together and use to hang up in the tree. We also hung a bunch of red and green balloons in the trees.

For the food, we used the book as inspiration. Fruit salad, a regular salad, sandwiches, and the some chips and salsa. I made little signs with the foods the caterpillar ate and then put them (uh, well, to be fair, my bff arranged the table, 'cause she's awesome like that) on the table. We used red and green table cloths, food containers (for them at the dollar spot at Target!), cups, silverware, etc...

We had an art table. Though, honestly, I didn't think the kids would use it much since it was such a beautiful day. But, they totally LOVED it! I think the kid spent at least half the party there! I found white, paper butterflies at some craft store (maybe Hobby Lobby?) and a bunch of bug-themed stickers which I put out, along with some markers and those kids went to town!

Here's my awesome friend, JE, and her awesome (though don't tell him I said that!) hubby, J, with the ah-mazing cakes. She made a main one for all of us, and a smash cake for baby E. The main cake had all of the foods the caterpillar ate all around it. She was shockingly detailed with the cake. Like, I am in awe of her skills. 

The smash cake was an orange. She even put little indentations on it to make it look even more like an orange. Oh, the cuteness of it all was beyond adorable!
If you want to know how my dear - and amazingly talented - friend, JE, made this tasty and awesome cake, here's a link to her blog that explains just that. Again, THANK YOU, JE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're the best. Baby E thinks you rock!

As cute as the cake was, baby E didn't really dive into it like we'd hoped. I think he was tired, and just plain overwhelmed by all the people and commotion. The cake was just one more thing. I think he got more cake on his hands than in his mouth. Actually, if he got more than 2 bites, I'd be surprised. Now, don't think he didn't like it, though, because at home, when I was eating some, he became quite the little beggar.
Here's the birthday boy with his Poppa. He's going through a bit of a Poppa-phase right now. It started at the party. I'm a little sad about this Poppa-phase. Except at night. But, apparently the Poppa-phase doesn't extend into the night. Which really is a tangent for another day.

The opening of the presents was yet another overwhelming experience. The other kids had fun helping him though.

This Superman toy was from the kid, who picked it out just for his baby brother. And baby E loves this present ! Like, it might be his favorite.

We gave baby E a cape, similar to his big brother's. He didn't seem impressed at first, but loved "flying" around with it on, and wore it for quite a long time. My friend Amanda made the capes. Here's a link to where you can buy one if you want for your little superhero-kiddo. You are directed to ignore my 2nd chin in this picture. Ugh.

I purchased this adorable shirt for baby E from Etsy. It was adorable and (fairly) reasonably priced. But, really, the adorableness made the price totally worth it!  Here's a link to her facebook page, if you want to see some of the awesome stuff she makes.

The party wouldn't have been possible without several of my girlfriends, their husbands, and my momma. They all helped create, set up, clean up, and capture the day. Thank you friends. Truly, without each of you my life would be much less colorful, more lonely, less creative, and certainly much more boring.

Today's lesson - the relationship between siblings is so interesting. It exists because of the parents, yet it is also exists completely outside of the parents. It is a gift to see siblings so love each other, yet it is a little sad to be excluded from this at the same time. Aren't relationships complicated...

Friday, October 7, 2011

Well, what about that?!

It's been a good couple of days around here for a variety of reasons (none of those, in case you were wondering, are baby E sleeping well. Just had to throw that out there. Yes, we're still up every 3-4hrs). The best of the reasons (little excited Charlie Brown-type dance), is that the kid's birth parents have contacted us out of the blue on facebook!! SOOoooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a long time - almost 3 years, I think-  since we've had any contact with L and D. We had a visit at Christmas a few years ago, but after that, nothing. To be fair, we lost their address, so we couldn't send anything in the mail. But they didn't answer/respond in any way when we tried to call their phones, which we've done several times. It's certainly possible their phones were off some of that time. We'd assumed they'd changed #s and so haven't even tried in probably the last year. Who knows just what was going on. At any rate, I *knew* they'd pop back up eventually and now they have!

We're hoping to get together in a couple of weeks and so looking forward to it!

On a completely different note, I promise to finally get you that Hungry Caterpillar birthday post this weekend. My dear friend, M, took some fabulous pics for us so you're in for a treat!

Today's lesson - when your 5 year old tells you you're not going to like what the baby is doing, he's probably right. Also, even the social worker's baby sometimes eats out of the garbage. These two lesson may be related...

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


Sometimes things are not as good as they seem from the outside. Sometimes things fester, stew, grow and grow until there's nothing left for them to do but boil over, explode, causing damage in their wake.

Sometimes grief is like that. It sits just under the surface, often ignored until it can be no more. It explodes for a reason that has nothing to do with the origin of the grief itself, onto an unexpecting person who has no idea it's coming. Often the griever him or herself also has no idea its coming. He or she believes the grief to be under control, or perhaps has been working so hard at ignoring it, he or she has - at least momentarily - forgotten it's there. So when the explosion happens, it's an unwelcome and disturbing surprise to the griever and the recipient. The griever often feels immense guilt, though may or may not be willing to do something to rectify the harm he or she has caused.

This is sometimes how grief works. But it's not healthy. Especially when there are children around. Especially when the children are the unexpecting recipients of the explosion. It's one thing when adults are the recipents, because, as adults, we are able to rationalize and process the reaction for what it is - a part of grief. As adults, we are able to justify, explain, try to understand.

But, when children are the collateral damage, things are different. Children need us to be consistent. They need to know what to expect from us, how we will respond in a given situation. They need to trust that we are safe for them. But when we lose it on them, for seemingly minor reasons, their worlds come tumbling down. Their lives are no longer safe, but are scary and uncertain. Children already have control over very little in their lives. They trust that we will have control. They need to believe that if nothing else, we will be in control of ourselves. To live in a world where that doesn't exist, is absolutely terrifying for a child. And it alters them permanently. And it is not okay.

Today's lesson - Grief is not quick. It's slow and comes in stages. But if ones tries to "just get over it and move on", it can be harmful to the griever, and those around him or her. Take your time. Let it come as it must. Feel it. Then deal with it. Grief must happen like this. Just "getting over it" isn't possible. It must be felt and processed.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Snore, cough, sniffle, repeat...

I feel crummy. A cold has got me. And baby E, too. His sleep, which had been up to 7-9 hours a night (that's right, people, MY baby was sleeping that long!!!) is back to him being up every 2-3hours, or even less. Now, to be fair, the 7-9hrs only lasted for about 2 weeks - probably 10 out of those 14 nights - but good lord was it glorious. And then to have it taken away again...major suck. Devastating I tell you. I'm pretty sure hubby and I are crankier than we were a month ago, even though we're getting the same amount of sleep now as we were then. It's like our bodies remembered about sleep, and have been like "oh, hell no you're not going to take that away again!!!!!". Yeah, so good times.

On the positive side, baby E and I participated in the World Breastfeeding Challenge yesterday, which was fun. Last year we did, too, and he was such a tiny little peanut (less than 2wks old) and by far the youngest of the bunch. So, this year, to be there again, and to be one of the older ones, it was pretty cool. And it felt like a milestone. Like a moment of success. I kind of teared up. Though that might have also been because I'm so tired. And feeling sickly.

Then, I briefly spoke with A, who I talked about HERE (briefly, she's the reason I knew breastfeeding an adopted baby was even possible). It was great to see her again! She said the funniest thing that reminded me how far we've come. She, too, is nursing her child (who joined their family through adoption), but her daughter is now 3 (I think). And she - who was as determined to nurse as I was, though maybe even more! -  said she is done with nursing and just wishes her daughter would stop. It was a beautiful thing for us to be able to laugh about this. What a normal feeling, to be ready for your 3yo to stop. But it's one I'm pretty sure neither of us ever thought we would experience.

Here's a picture from last year's event. See what I mean about him being so very tiny. Oh my word. It makes me want another even more! Hopefully soon I'll have a pic from this year's event to share :)

Today's lesson - in parenting, it is necessary to expect the unexpected. Or you'll just go crazy. In other words, just go ahead and accept that you have very little control. You'll be happier that way. Seriously. And not crazy. Which seems like a good thing.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


I came across this quote on a blog somewhere today (oh, how I wish I could remember and give it's author due credit!!). It spoke to me in such a beautiful way. It articulated something for me in such a simple manner, something I'd been unable to say. So I thought I'd share.

The desire to be a parent " simply the desire to experience incredible love for another... don’t chalk that up to logic".

This perfectly explains my reason for wanting baby # 3. I know, I know. Baby E is hardly 1! And he's barely begun to sleep through the night. And where would that money come from. And. And. And. The reasons not to add another child to our family are perfectly reasonable and logical. And there are plenty of them.

But here's the thing. There are - will be - always reasons not to do it, not to add another baby to our family. Logic can be used to justify nearly anything. However, the heart, well, as the old adage says, the heart wants what it wants. And that simply isn't logical. Nor can it be made so.

And I wonder how our experience with infertility has played into this. I have always wanted to be a momma. Always. I mothered other people's children from the time I can remember. I played with my cabbage patch kids for probably much too long (long enough that I did it in secret from friends because I knew they were probably no longer playing with theirs). I was babysitting when I was barely in double digits. I pretended to nurse my dolls. All the time. I love kids. Always have.

But I wonder whether this was even further intensified by how we had to fight to get them. I wonder if part of why I want more babies is because all I've done my whole life is want them and how do you just walk away from that?! Especially when it took so long, so much effort, so many tears, so much heartbreak. And has led to so much joy...

Today's lesson - when the head (logic) and the heart (feelings) conflict, you must decide which will prevail. And it's not an easy thing to do. And that's when the gut steps in. Always listen to the gut. It seems to be the best judge.