Friday, April 20, 2012


I'm probably going to cry writing this post. I'll probably cry if I ever read it later, too. I'll probably avoid it for a long time. And, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't be writing it at work. Too late.

It all started earlier this week. Hubby came upstairs and said, "I'm just giving you an emotional heads up. The milk is just about gone. There's maybe a week's worth left down in the freezer. Do you hear me? It's almost gone". I nodded or acknowledged him in some nonverbal way.

But mostly I just tried to ignore what he'd said. Because, what it means, is that as soon as that other mommas' milk is gone, baby E and I will be done nursing. And I can't deal with that just yet. But apparently I have to. Apparently it's inevitable. And soon.

Baby E won't drink cow's milk. Not in a cup. Not in the SNS (nursing). Not even if it's mixed with bm. He seems to know if there's as little as an oz mixed in with 4oz of bm. He's just not having it. And he's never been a comfort nurser. If he's going to nurse, it's to get milk. And, while I still have some of my own (I think), it's not much. And it certainly doesn't come out fast enough for his liking.

So, we're going to be done. And I'm devastated. It never dawned on me that this would be the reason we'd wean. I thought I'd be ready to stop. Or he would just decide he was done. I never though lack of milk would be the reason.

I called a few of our previous donors, though none of them have any milk right now. Of course, I did get back on HM4HB and ask for milk. But I feel horribly guilty going there (and also don't have huge hopes of it panning out). I know there are little babies who need what milk there is available. And my big, almost 19mon old boy, well, he just doesn't need it in the same way they do.

I'm sure many of you are thinking, "for the love of all things holy! You've nursed that child for more than a year and a half! Let. It. Go.". And part of my rational brain is saying that, too. But. But! I'm just so sad. Mostly because I don't think baby E is done. And he's going to be confused and sad.

And, also, I'm pissed. This is just one more reminder of infertility and of all the ways my body has/continues to fail me.

Soon I will be able to write a post about how grateful I am for the nursing time we had. How special it was for both of us. I'll know that he'll be fine. That I'll be fine. But for right now, I'm just sad and mad. And crying. At work.

Today's Lesson: Today's HAWMC prompt is to write an announcement about a miracle cure. You know what I would cure? Stupid ass infertility. I. HATE. IT!!!!!!!!! And that is neither an announcement nor a lesson. But it's the best I can do today. (Stupid ass infertility...she mutters repeatedly)


Emms said...

Oh Becky i am so sorry honey. Man this feels like a repeat of my posts a couple months ago! I feel you're pain, and do NOT agree that 'its been 19 months so it should all be good to wean' theory. I think we should be able to nurse until they are ready to be done. Infertility steals just one more happy thing from us. Oh if only I had saved more I would send you some! Big hugs, its hard times but it does get easier. Did you nurse the kid too? For how long if so? Look at it this way, you should be so so proud of what you've done. What it took for you to nurse all this time is so much more than what some people would be willing to do. You're a great mama and you gave baby E the best for as long as you could!
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a donor will pop up for you!

Peg said...

So, so sorry. I had to stop nursing both Damon and Liam because a milk protein allergy at about 9 weeks. I had no options other than stopping cold turkey. It was awful. They turned out just fine but it was the emotional part that killed me. Hang in there!!!

Ps I've been loving these daily posts...thanks :)

Lechelle said...

Awe sweetie I'm so sorry. If you lived closer I would pump extra for you. I'm so sorry.

Trinity said...

I have a post percolating on this very topic as well. I also can't write (or even really think too much) about it without crying. We're not weaning yet, but I can tell that my supply is diminishing, and it overwhelms me with a shit ton of sadness.

You've done a beautiful, meaningful thing, nursing this long. Nursing is one of the most tender connections you can have with someone, and its conclusion is worth every moment of your mourning.

And the depth of the mourning, for me, has a lot to do with infertility. I don't know that I'll ever get to do this again. The uncertainty of that eats at me. I know I am bottomlessly fortunate to have had this experience to begin with.

Anyway, it IS hard. I hope the transition goes a little more smoothly than you anticipate for your lil' guy. Have you tried almond milk at all? I've heard of some success of mixing that with a bit of BM and then slowly decreasing the amount of almond milk...

Sending a hug!

AS said...

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to have this taken from you and Baby E in such a sudden, sad way. You are an amazing momma to have worked so hard to give him this gift, and you don't deserve for it to end this way. I know you'll figure out a way to end nursing in a way that's gentle for Baby E, but it won't help you from feeling sadness. Sending hugs your way as well as deep appreciation for your blogs, which are so helpful to me.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you're being forced to wean. That really sucks. It would be nice if there was a way people like you and me could connect. I over produced, but couldn't donate because I have Crohns disease (which doesn't affect my milk). I gave a bunch of it to my nephew.

The thought of weaning makes me sad, I hope you guys are doing okay!

Jenn and Casey said...

Aww, big hugs. I hate infertility so much too. But I'm SO impressed of how you went above and beyond to nurse for this long. How amazing!

E. Phantzi said...

I wish I could wave that magic wand for you.

Motleymommy said...

Hugs! That's all I can send is hugs. And to say Im sorry for this suck-y situation. Hang in there strong mama!

tireegal68 said...

I'm so sorry you have to wean against yours and baby's best intentions and needs. It really sucks:(( my babe is 18 months and shows no interest in stopping but if I want to give her a sibling I have to take fertility meds so thinking of weaning this summer. So not fair. I know she will be so upset and it will break my heart. Hugs!

Em said...

Just stumbled across your blog and onto this post. I can so identify with your feelings of anger and grief at the end of your breastfeeding journey. My daughter turned one a couple weeks ago and we are starting the weaning process. I hate it. I want to nurse her as long as she'd like to nurse. And knowing her, she'd nurse for years. I'd be okay with that (actually, I'd love that) but we need to start fertility treatments again. I'm so bummed out, so anxious, so angry that my infertility is now cheating my daughter out of baby-led weaning. It's heartbreaking. Thanks for your honesty in this post. It was good to see that I'm not alone.