I'm probably going to cry writing this post. I'll probably cry if I ever read it later, too. I'll probably avoid it for a long time. And, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't be writing it at work. Too late.
It all started earlier this week. Hubby came upstairs and said, "I'm just giving you an emotional heads up. The milk is just about gone. There's maybe a week's worth left down in the freezer. Do you hear me? It's almost gone". I nodded or acknowledged him in some nonverbal way.
But mostly I just tried to ignore what he'd said. Because, what it means, is that as soon as that other mommas' milk is gone, baby E and I will be done nursing. And I can't deal with that just yet. But apparently I have to. Apparently it's inevitable. And soon.
Baby E won't drink cow's milk. Not in a cup. Not in the SNS (nursing). Not even if it's mixed with bm. He seems to know if there's as little as an oz mixed in with 4oz of bm. He's just not having it. And he's never been a comfort nurser. If he's going to nurse, it's to get milk. And, while I still have some of my own (I think), it's not much. And it certainly doesn't come out fast enough for his liking.
So, we're going to be done. And I'm devastated. It never dawned on me that this would be the reason we'd wean. I thought I'd be ready to stop. Or he would just decide he was done. I never though lack of milk would be the reason.
I called a few of our previous donors, though none of them have any milk right now. Of course, I did get back on HM4HB and ask for milk. But I feel horribly guilty going there (and also don't have huge hopes of it panning out). I know there are little babies who need what milk there is available. And my big, almost 19mon old boy, well, he just doesn't need it in the same way they do.
I'm sure many of you are thinking, "for the love of all things holy! You've nursed that child for more than a year and a half! Let. It. Go.". And part of my rational brain is saying that, too. But. But! I'm just so sad. Mostly because I don't think baby E is done. And he's going to be confused and sad.
And, also, I'm pissed. This is just one more reminder of infertility and of all the ways my body has/continues to fail me.
Soon I will be able to write a post about how grateful I am for the nursing time we had. How special it was for both of us. I'll know that he'll be fine. That I'll be fine. But for right now, I'm just sad and mad. And crying. At work.
Today's Lesson: Today's HAWMC prompt is to write an announcement about a miracle cure. You know what I would cure? Stupid ass infertility. I. HATE. IT!!!!!!!!! And that is neither an announcement nor a lesson. But it's the best I can do today. (Stupid ass infertility...she mutters repeatedly)