Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Learned the Hard Way

Today's HAWMC post is to write about a lesson you learned the hard way.

I was having a conversation with some friends the other day. We were talking about some girl (I don't even remember who she was) who is talented in many ways - athletically, musically, academically. The others were talking about what a lovely girl she must be, how awesome for her to be good at so many things. And all I could think was, "it's going to be really hard for her when she eventually hits against something that she's not good at, because it will happen. And it's going to knock the wind out of her in a most surprising - and sucky - way".

I think I've mentioned before that most things came pretty easily to me when I was younger. School was always easy (still is). I wasn't one of the "popular kids" but didn't struggle socially. Sure, my parents were divorced and that came with its own difficulties. But, overall, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood were pretty straightforward and without an overabundance of strife.

I'd always been able to achieve anything I wanted to. If I decided I was going to do something, that I wanted to achieve something, then I did. It really was about that simple. And things went along in the order I'd assumed they should (college, marriage, job, dog, house).

Enter infertility.

Infertility taught me, among a plethora of other things, that just because I want something, doesn't mean I'll get it. I can do everything I'm "supposed" to do, and still, things may not work out like I want them to.

Now, this may seem like an obvious lesson to many of you, but it wasn't to me. I really grew up with the belief that if I just worked hard enough, prayed enough, did all the right things, talked it out enough, was stubborn enough, etc... it would be mine. I'm not sure who would have told me this (though someone obviously did at some point) but my experiences in life up until that point certainly reiterated that errant belief.

How I wish this was a lesson I could have learned an easier way, on something I didn't want quite so much. Not that IF would have sucked any less necessarily, but perhaps it would have been a little less painful. Perhaps I might have accepted it sooner, saving myself some pain, moving on to adoption earlier. Perhaps, if nothing else, it would have been a bit less shocking to know that I couldn't simply will something to happen.

Today's lesson: We are all the sums of all of our experiences. And I realize  that if we had moved to adoption sooner, probably we wouldn't have the kid, who I wouldn't trade for anything. So it's hard to wish things had happened any differently. And yet, to have ended up with the same result, but with a somewhat less painful path, that seems good. Unlikely, but good.


Astrid said...

I was at a loss of what to write this morning. So I came to visit you and can totally relate with what you are saying. Except for the infertility part...just having it so convenient and easy for so long and then having a truck thrown in your face. Thank you for this! I will now write.

Jamie said...

I, too, can relate to much of what you're saying. I haven't had to deal with infertility, but pretty much everything coming easily for most of my life... yep! It truly is a difficult lesson to learn. :(

Emms said...

I can relate, even specifically to the infertility. I did have to work hard for things, but always felt if I worked hard I would be successful. Infertility really doesn't work that way!

Great post mama!