What to write about today........ I could write about how awesome it is that after only 4 days sans formula, baby E's eczema is virtually GONE. Or how I am loving being a SAHM for this short time before starting my new job. Or how fabulous my husband was to me today for letting me sleep in til 9:30. Or how excited I was (heck, am!) that baby E slept 7 straight hours last night. That really was freaking awesome (hummm, exclusive breastmilk again = sleeping through the night again...interesting...). Or how wonderful it was to get outside finally this weekend because the temperature finally went above 40 degrees.
But, instead, I think I'll write about how my baby (and by that I mean, the kid) is growing up. In 10 days, my kiddo will be 5. There have been little signs lately, constantly reminding me about how he's getting older. His nap is starting to get shorter and shorter. I fear we will soon lose it all together. I will grieve for this nap. Seriously, I will cry. I need this nap. His attention span for one activity is lengthening, especially for things he's really into. Right now it's these cool building things my aunt gave him. I am absolutely amazed at the things he builds - from dinosaurs that actually look like dinosaurs, to elaborate vehicles. It's so cool to see his imagination come into reality.
He rarely talks about his "14 sisters" anymore, which is a little sad for me. They played such a huge part in his life for so long, I kinda miss them. It seems like once baby E came into the picture, he no longer needed them anymore. Interesting that a real brother negated the need for 14 imaginary sisters. I am grateful for that, though.
His behavior in general is improving. For example, the last few weeks at church have been much better for all of us. Normally, that hour is one of the most stressful of my week. It involves constantly telling him to whisper, stop, don't, no, stay still, etc... - you get the idea. This usually falls on me because he seems to inevitably want to sit next to me, away from hubby. I often walk out of mass wanting to literally pull my own hair out, or shake him senseless, or shake hubby senseless just because. However, the last couple of weeks have necessitated only a couple of gentle reminders about appropriate behavior. And those reminders have not elicited the typical loud protesting response. Instead, he has actually done what I've asked him. It's like a miracle.
And, worst of all, my baby is going to go to kindergarten in the fall and we have to register him in 2 weeks. KINDERGARTEN!!!!!!! I'm actually trying to avoid thinking about this because just the thought is completely traumatic.
No other birthday has seemed so significant, not even his first, as this 5th birthday. It seems like a move from babyhood into childhood. And though I have no doubt that my baby is ready for this transition, and indeed has already started to make it, I am hesitant for the inevitable to happen.
Today's lesson - Change is good. It's often excruciatingly painful and ugly. But the end result is growth. And growth is good. Really good. Right?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It Takes a Village
This is a concept I've been mulling over in my head for some time. What does it mean "it takes a village" and how does that apply to my life, in my family?
I started thinking about it after a class (graduate level social work child assessment and treatment) when we were talking about risk and protective factors (i.e. a protective factor for a child would be living in a high socioeconomic status family, or having other supportive adults in his/her life). Surprisingly (to me at least), the professor said that living in a family where there are 4 or more children is actually a risk factor. Now, this was surprising for several reasons (uh, 15 years of being a social worker, or being in school to be one and I've never heard this before) but mostly because when I think of the large families I know, they aren't ones that I've served as a social worker. In fact, they're often the most well functioning families I know (related tangent - have you seen the Duggars??!! O.M.G. One day I will be as patient and well organized of a mother as that woman. Or not. I will continue to dream about it at least). I mentioned this to the group I was talking with and one of them said that it was because the older children are "parentified", which is not a good thing to be in social work world and basically means that a child is acting as the parent, taking on adult roles.
As I thought more about that, though, I disagreed. Yes, older children in large families often take on caregiving roles of the younger children, but this doesn't make them parentified. When I think back to how families functioned 70-100+ years ago, that's just how things worked. Once children were weaned, they were sent out to run around with their siblings. Have you ever noticed how mesmerized children are with other children? Rarely are other children so interested in adults as they are other kids. This is just how it's supposed to work. Instead, as parents today, we seem to feel like it's our responsibility to entertain and "educate" our kids every waking moment. But what kids today often miss out on is their own little tribe of peers. Where are the village kids? I want my kids, who will not be growing up in a large family - because, lets be honest, adoption is super expensive - to have their own tribe of kids of varying ages to learn from, model behavior, and be able to count on.
And then I started thinking about open adoption and how it really falls into the whole "it takes a village" mentality. While, of course, birth families are not in the parental role, they are certainly part of my kids' village. They're other people who provide support, information, education (about who they are!), and love to my sons. They're other people who I know will look out for my boys as they grow into men.
And then (I know, how can there possibly be more??!), I thought about baby E's new milk mommies and how they are also part of our village. They have provided love in liquid form, giving him one of the most basic of needs, the best nourishment possible. Also, when I think about how breastmilk provides antibodies, can you imagine the amazing plethora of antibodies he's getting to all kinds of illnesses from all the different women. He's gonna be like the healthiest baby ever! :)
The role of the village is to provide kids with holistic care. Parents can not be everything to every child. In fact, no one of us can ever be everything to any one other person. The village is there to fill out those needs and roles. So, today, there are two more special people in baby E's village. Our village runneth over, y'all.
Today's lesson - According to the kid he is "always right. No, Superman, you are right most of the time, except when I'm right, which is, like, all the time. Just accept my words as right". Yeah, I think this may be problematic as he gets older. I'm pretty sure we're really going to need a whole village to raise this one.
I started thinking about it after a class (graduate level social work child assessment and treatment) when we were talking about risk and protective factors (i.e. a protective factor for a child would be living in a high socioeconomic status family, or having other supportive adults in his/her life). Surprisingly (to me at least), the professor said that living in a family where there are 4 or more children is actually a risk factor. Now, this was surprising for several reasons (uh, 15 years of being a social worker, or being in school to be one and I've never heard this before) but mostly because when I think of the large families I know, they aren't ones that I've served as a social worker. In fact, they're often the most well functioning families I know (related tangent - have you seen the Duggars??!! O.M.G. One day I will be as patient and well organized of a mother as that woman. Or not. I will continue to dream about it at least). I mentioned this to the group I was talking with and one of them said that it was because the older children are "parentified", which is not a good thing to be in social work world and basically means that a child is acting as the parent, taking on adult roles.
As I thought more about that, though, I disagreed. Yes, older children in large families often take on caregiving roles of the younger children, but this doesn't make them parentified. When I think back to how families functioned 70-100+ years ago, that's just how things worked. Once children were weaned, they were sent out to run around with their siblings. Have you ever noticed how mesmerized children are with other children? Rarely are other children so interested in adults as they are other kids. This is just how it's supposed to work. Instead, as parents today, we seem to feel like it's our responsibility to entertain and "educate" our kids every waking moment. But what kids today often miss out on is their own little tribe of peers. Where are the village kids? I want my kids, who will not be growing up in a large family - because, lets be honest, adoption is super expensive - to have their own tribe of kids of varying ages to learn from, model behavior, and be able to count on.
And then I started thinking about open adoption and how it really falls into the whole "it takes a village" mentality. While, of course, birth families are not in the parental role, they are certainly part of my kids' village. They're other people who provide support, information, education (about who they are!), and love to my sons. They're other people who I know will look out for my boys as they grow into men.
And then (I know, how can there possibly be more??!), I thought about baby E's new milk mommies and how they are also part of our village. They have provided love in liquid form, giving him one of the most basic of needs, the best nourishment possible. Also, when I think about how breastmilk provides antibodies, can you imagine the amazing plethora of antibodies he's getting to all kinds of illnesses from all the different women. He's gonna be like the healthiest baby ever! :)
The role of the village is to provide kids with holistic care. Parents can not be everything to every child. In fact, no one of us can ever be everything to any one other person. The village is there to fill out those needs and roles. So, today, there are two more special people in baby E's village. Our village runneth over, y'all.
Today's lesson - According to the kid he is "always right. No, Superman, you are right most of the time, except when I'm right, which is, like, all the time. Just accept my words as right". Yeah, I think this may be problematic as he gets older. I'm pretty sure we're really going to need a whole village to raise this one.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Yesterday's lesson
I just realized that I forgot to write a lesson yesterday. I was so nervous about putting that post out into the world, that I completely forgot. I didn't really have one prepared anyway. And what I ended up with was a lesson for me.
I was so afraid that what I would get would be negative reactions, albiet good intentioned ones. I was afraid that what I would get would be comments leading me to have to - or at least want to - further defend our decision. I was afraid that what I would get would be anything but supportive. And what I ended up getting, was a whole host of love and support. What I ended up getting was a cheerleading section, further encouraging me in milksharing. What I ended up getting was the words of the experienced, wise women who have been before me. What I ended up getting was the opposite of what I'd expected.
And my lesson? Sometimes when you expect the worst, you get the best. And that my friends, old and new, is an awesome lesson to have learned.
I was so afraid that what I would get would be negative reactions, albiet good intentioned ones. I was afraid that what I would get would be comments leading me to have to - or at least want to - further defend our decision. I was afraid that what I would get would be anything but supportive. And what I ended up getting, was a whole host of love and support. What I ended up getting was a cheerleading section, further encouraging me in milksharing. What I ended up getting was the words of the experienced, wise women who have been before me. What I ended up getting was the opposite of what I'd expected.
And my lesson? Sometimes when you expect the worst, you get the best. And that my friends, old and new, is an awesome lesson to have learned.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Milk Mommies
I am hesitant to even write this post. I know it will bring up stuff for other people who may then direct it to me. But, well, I've never had a good filter in the real world, so why would I in the blogging one. So, here goes.
As I'm typing this, I'm nursing baby E. This is, apparently, a controversial issue in and of itself, ya know, since I didn't give birth to him and all, but it isn't what I'm about to spill. Mine and baby E's nursing relationship has always involved, and always will, an SNS (supplemental nursing system), which is like a bottle with little tubes coming out of it (also not the surprising part of this post). So, while he nurses and gets whatever breastmilk I produce, he also gets formula from the SNS. But sometimes it's not formula (here it comes). Sometimes it's donated breastmilk. You know, from other mothers. Some of whom I have never met, except when I picked up milk from them. To date, baby E has had the breastmilk of 4 different mommas, including me. Hopefully this week we'll be getting milk from 2 more mommies, each from different parts of the state.
Okay, so before I get into the "why" of our reasons for doing this, let me address the safety concerns many of you now have running through your brains. Yes, (very few) diseases can be passed through breastmilk. Yes, (certain) medications can be passed through breastmilk. Pregnant women are routinely tested for those diseases. The women who pumped that milk , did so with the intention of giving to their own babies. They would not have done so if they were doing anything that could negatively affect their own children. Yes, we are taking somewhat of a risk, but it's minimal. So, here's why...
Had I given birth to baby E, he would have been EBF (exclusively breastfed). As much effort as I put into inducing lactation this time, the actual output is small. I figure I make about an ounce of breastmilk per feeding. That's about 25% of what he needs. Yes, that's great for someone who didn't give birth, and I had resolved myself to it. Then a wonderful social worker who I was in graduate school with mentioned that she had 200+oz left over from her last baby, and that she simply couldn't toss it out, even though her baby was already 18 months old and wasn't drinking it anymore. She had had a huge supply (I believe she likened herself to Elsie the Cow, if I remember correctly) and hadn't even pumped since before her daughter's birthday. She offered, I knew she was healthy, and made healthy lifestyle choices, so I accepted. Hubby was hesitant until we looked at the research and info together - we jointly decided that this was a decision we were both comfortable with.
It was enough of a "stash" that baby E had only breastmilk for almost 3 weeks. And what I saw was that the eczema that had started to pop up, completely went away. And his bowel movements, which had been sporadic and difficult for him to pass, were now frequent and easy for him. He was less fussy and slept better. When the stash was gone, I was sad. But more importantly, baby E's eczema came back within a few days, and with a vengeance. The sleeping went all wonky again and he was fussy!! His belly obviously hurt and bowel movements again became difficult and seemingly painful.
So, I started to research other options. I sent out emails to people who I know have lots of connections to new mommas. And that's when I found Eats on Feets. (Go google them, or do a facebook search. Go on. I'll wait). Basically, for those of you who didn't follow directions, it's a FB page that hooks up mommas with extra milk, with babies who need it. It's free. Their motto is "human milk for human babies". There is little else that makes quite so much sense to me as that statement. Why in the world would I feed baby E anything substandard, when that"liquid gold" is available.
70 years ago, wet nursing was the norm here. Sister, neighbors, friends, servants, all breastfed each other's babies. Then the formula companies came in and convinced us that breastfeeding wasn't normal, that what our bodies naturally do wasn't good enough, that cow's milk was better for babies that human milk. I'm impressed with their marketing. I am not impressed with their product. Around the world, babies are still cross-nursed by other women. It's normal. There is nothing gross, or wrong about it. It is about feeding babies. Perhaps they *have* to and we don't because they don't have formula readily available to them like we do. That, however, doesn't mean it isn't still the *best* option.
I am so grateful for all of baby E's milk mommies. From my social worker friend, to my coworker (baby e got a few feedings from her because she left some milk at work and wouldn't get a chance to get back before it need to be used so she said I could take it for him), to a camping buddy, to complete strangers from all over our state. Each of them is so special to us. I will tell him about them as he gets older, and explain the wonderful gift they gave to him, a gift that I couldn't, a selfless gift. And as hubby said, all we want is the best for baby E. That's all, and that's normal.
As I'm typing this, I'm nursing baby E. This is, apparently, a controversial issue in and of itself, ya know, since I didn't give birth to him and all, but it isn't what I'm about to spill. Mine and baby E's nursing relationship has always involved, and always will, an SNS (supplemental nursing system), which is like a bottle with little tubes coming out of it (also not the surprising part of this post). So, while he nurses and gets whatever breastmilk I produce, he also gets formula from the SNS. But sometimes it's not formula (here it comes). Sometimes it's donated breastmilk. You know, from other mothers. Some of whom I have never met, except when I picked up milk from them. To date, baby E has had the breastmilk of 4 different mommas, including me. Hopefully this week we'll be getting milk from 2 more mommies, each from different parts of the state.
Okay, so before I get into the "why" of our reasons for doing this, let me address the safety concerns many of you now have running through your brains. Yes, (very few) diseases can be passed through breastmilk. Yes, (certain) medications can be passed through breastmilk. Pregnant women are routinely tested for those diseases. The women who pumped that milk , did so with the intention of giving to their own babies. They would not have done so if they were doing anything that could negatively affect their own children. Yes, we are taking somewhat of a risk, but it's minimal. So, here's why...
Had I given birth to baby E, he would have been EBF (exclusively breastfed). As much effort as I put into inducing lactation this time, the actual output is small. I figure I make about an ounce of breastmilk per feeding. That's about 25% of what he needs. Yes, that's great for someone who didn't give birth, and I had resolved myself to it. Then a wonderful social worker who I was in graduate school with mentioned that she had 200+oz left over from her last baby, and that she simply couldn't toss it out, even though her baby was already 18 months old and wasn't drinking it anymore. She had had a huge supply (I believe she likened herself to Elsie the Cow, if I remember correctly) and hadn't even pumped since before her daughter's birthday. She offered, I knew she was healthy, and made healthy lifestyle choices, so I accepted. Hubby was hesitant until we looked at the research and info together - we jointly decided that this was a decision we were both comfortable with.
It was enough of a "stash" that baby E had only breastmilk for almost 3 weeks. And what I saw was that the eczema that had started to pop up, completely went away. And his bowel movements, which had been sporadic and difficult for him to pass, were now frequent and easy for him. He was less fussy and slept better. When the stash was gone, I was sad. But more importantly, baby E's eczema came back within a few days, and with a vengeance. The sleeping went all wonky again and he was fussy!! His belly obviously hurt and bowel movements again became difficult and seemingly painful.
So, I started to research other options. I sent out emails to people who I know have lots of connections to new mommas. And that's when I found Eats on Feets. (Go google them, or do a facebook search. Go on. I'll wait). Basically, for those of you who didn't follow directions, it's a FB page that hooks up mommas with extra milk, with babies who need it. It's free. Their motto is "human milk for human babies". There is little else that makes quite so much sense to me as that statement. Why in the world would I feed baby E anything substandard, when that"liquid gold" is available.
70 years ago, wet nursing was the norm here. Sister, neighbors, friends, servants, all breastfed each other's babies. Then the formula companies came in and convinced us that breastfeeding wasn't normal, that what our bodies naturally do wasn't good enough, that cow's milk was better for babies that human milk. I'm impressed with their marketing. I am not impressed with their product. Around the world, babies are still cross-nursed by other women. It's normal. There is nothing gross, or wrong about it. It is about feeding babies. Perhaps they *have* to and we don't because they don't have formula readily available to them like we do. That, however, doesn't mean it isn't still the *best* option.
I am so grateful for all of baby E's milk mommies. From my social worker friend, to my coworker (baby e got a few feedings from her because she left some milk at work and wouldn't get a chance to get back before it need to be used so she said I could take it for him), to a camping buddy, to complete strangers from all over our state. Each of them is so special to us. I will tell him about them as he gets older, and explain the wonderful gift they gave to him, a gift that I couldn't, a selfless gift. And as hubby said, all we want is the best for baby E. That's all, and that's normal.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Motivational Movement
Baby E has started moving with intention and it's so fun to watch. And a bit scary. But mostly fun. Most of the time...
It started a few weeks ago when he would really concentrate to try to get his hands where he wanted them to go. Now he's able to intentionally grab things (toys, our faces, my glasses) and get them to his mouth. Not our faces in his mouth so much, but the other things. Then this evening I watched him roll to his side to reach for something. And then I had to put some of his 0-3 months clothes away, because he's outgrown them.
I find all this movement and growth so bittersweet. Obviously, I'm happy he's growing and doing all those developmentally appropriate things, but my baby! My baby is going to not be be a baby one of these days. I know, I know, we don't want him to be a baby forever, in diapers, dependent on us for everything. But, I'm afraid he's going to be my last baby and I want to have those baby things to enjoy as long as possible. I want to be able to cuddle him in my arms, smell that baby smell, be the center of his world, tote him around everywhere, meet his needs so easily (though, frankly, I'm listening to him scream right now and he's not been easy to calm at all this evening, so that blows that out of the water!).
On the other hand, I won't miss not sleeping more than 5 hours in a row (and, really, 5 hours is a good night, and I mean a really good night). I'm trying to come up with more baby things I won't miss, but that's really all I can come up with. Man, I just love babies. Maybe it's a good thing adoption is so expensive, or my house might be full up with them.
Today's lesson - I am incoherent when sick and on cold medicine, and just hard to follow when sick and not on it. Guess which is the case right now...
It started a few weeks ago when he would really concentrate to try to get his hands where he wanted them to go. Now he's able to intentionally grab things (toys, our faces, my glasses) and get them to his mouth. Not our faces in his mouth so much, but the other things. Then this evening I watched him roll to his side to reach for something. And then I had to put some of his 0-3 months clothes away, because he's outgrown them.
I find all this movement and growth so bittersweet. Obviously, I'm happy he's growing and doing all those developmentally appropriate things, but my baby! My baby is going to not be be a baby one of these days. I know, I know, we don't want him to be a baby forever, in diapers, dependent on us for everything. But, I'm afraid he's going to be my last baby and I want to have those baby things to enjoy as long as possible. I want to be able to cuddle him in my arms, smell that baby smell, be the center of his world, tote him around everywhere, meet his needs so easily (though, frankly, I'm listening to him scream right now and he's not been easy to calm at all this evening, so that blows that out of the water!).
On the other hand, I won't miss not sleeping more than 5 hours in a row (and, really, 5 hours is a good night, and I mean a really good night). I'm trying to come up with more baby things I won't miss, but that's really all I can come up with. Man, I just love babies. Maybe it's a good thing adoption is so expensive, or my house might be full up with them.
Today's lesson - I am incoherent when sick and on cold medicine, and just hard to follow when sick and not on it. Guess which is the case right now...
Friday, January 14, 2011
What is today?
On a blog I regularly read I discovered that today is National Delurking Day! What? You've never heard of it? Yeah, me either. But it was fun to read the comments on her blog and I'm super curious who all you people out there pursuing my blog are. So...here's the deal. I'm going to give you a list of questions. You can answer them. Or not. I don't care if you post as anonymous or with your real name, just let me know you're there ;)
Here are the questions:
1. Do we know each other in the real world? Yes or no, I'm just curious.
2. What's something funny that happened to you when you were a kid? I'm always on the lookout for a good laugh!
3. What's your favorite book? I love to read and am always looking for something good.
4. What's something you'd like me to blog about? Ya know, for when I run out of things to say. What? It could happen.
5. What's your favorite meal? Also always interested in new, yummy food.
Okay, those are all I can think of, but, really, feel free to answer them, or not, just comment. Or don't. You're still welcome here either which way. I am curious about you though...
Today's lesson - I learned how to put a picture on my blog! I feel like this is a big accomplishment for me. So, you now will likely be getting pics of my little family, since I know how to and all. Lucky you!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Baby E's birth story: Part III
It was approximately 9:40pm. Baby E was taken over to get checked out. R's mom immediately went over, so I felt compelled to stay with her; it just didn't seem right to abandon her just because the baby had finally been born. She was watching him and asking me questions I couldn't answer (because I was with her, not him), so after several minutes I asked her if it would be okay to go check on him and take some pictures. She nodded. He was screaming. I think he was cold, which, to this day, is the state of being he most hates. I went back and forth between him and R, letting her know what they were doing with him. I finally got to hold him, and was able to be the one to hand him to her, for her to hold for the first time. She stared and stared at him. I knew immediately that she loved this baby, this adorable, screaming little creature. Really, she didn't take her eyes off him the whole time we were in the hospital. It was intense. At times it felt like voyeurism, for us to be there.
Somewhere in the midst of all that I was texting people and letting them know E had been born (maybe you got one of those texts!). Also hubby came running back in to meet our new son. He couldn't get baby E out of my arms soon enough :) Baby E got his first bath (he was not a fan - again, I think because he got cold). He was having a hard time keeping his temperature up, so he had to stay under the warmer for a long time (an hour maybe?). We were talking with R and her mom as well as the nurses throughout this time. Finally, they determined that he was stable and ready to move. R told them I wanted to nurse baby E and that she was in full support of this. This was such a huge gift from her, because in order to nurse at the hospital I had to have her permission. Remember, at this time, baby E was hers in every sense. So, R went off to the mother-baby unit, and we went to the nursery to try to nurse for the first time.
That moment, when we were preparing to leave for the nursery, it was the first time she had to say goodbye to him. It was the first time they had been separated. It was intense. It was emotional. The excitement I felt about getting to nurse him was really overshadowed by the sadness I felt - it was obvious the grieving started for her, just a little, right then. She kissed him in his little bassinet and left the room. We were taken to the nursery, and found ourselves alone with baby E for the first time.
It was after 1am. I was super excited. Hubby was super exhausted. The nursing staff was wonderful and found/created a little private corner in the nursery for us. I strapped on the SNS for the first time in 4 years and tried, tried really hard to nurse. And baby E, well, he just slept. He was more than 4 hours old by that time, and he was just exhausted, much too tired to eat. We tried for about an hour. I realized hubby was tired, and though he was trying to be patient, his patience was running out. I finally, sadly, accepted that it wasn't going to happen that night and that we would try again the next day.
We had asked the nurses earlier if we would be able to stay there with baby E. Unfortunately, the floor was super busy and didn't even have enough rooms for all the mommas in labor - there was no way they could spare a room for us. So, we left the hospital, without our baby. It was one of the most exhausting days ever, and I didn't even give birth.
Today's lesson - what I learned from that day, well, one of the many things I learned from that day, was that adoption is still very unusual in our society. Even the professionals we expect to be familiar with it, and know how to respond, don't necessarily. The nurses and doctors were kind to us and most importantly to R (which unfortunately was not the case with the kid and his birthmom). However, they were clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation and because of it I think they tried to just completely avoid the whole topic. Which, really, is funny because hubby and I were quite literally the elephants in the middle of the room. What I've realized in the last couple of months is that the desire for normalization of adoption is one of the reasons why I do this blog. I don't know how we do that, other than talking about it. So, more "talking" will happen tomorrow as I blog some more.
Somewhere in the midst of all that I was texting people and letting them know E had been born (maybe you got one of those texts!). Also hubby came running back in to meet our new son. He couldn't get baby E out of my arms soon enough :) Baby E got his first bath (he was not a fan - again, I think because he got cold). He was having a hard time keeping his temperature up, so he had to stay under the warmer for a long time (an hour maybe?). We were talking with R and her mom as well as the nurses throughout this time. Finally, they determined that he was stable and ready to move. R told them I wanted to nurse baby E and that she was in full support of this. This was such a huge gift from her, because in order to nurse at the hospital I had to have her permission. Remember, at this time, baby E was hers in every sense. So, R went off to the mother-baby unit, and we went to the nursery to try to nurse for the first time.
That moment, when we were preparing to leave for the nursery, it was the first time she had to say goodbye to him. It was the first time they had been separated. It was intense. It was emotional. The excitement I felt about getting to nurse him was really overshadowed by the sadness I felt - it was obvious the grieving started for her, just a little, right then. She kissed him in his little bassinet and left the room. We were taken to the nursery, and found ourselves alone with baby E for the first time.
It was after 1am. I was super excited. Hubby was super exhausted. The nursing staff was wonderful and found/created a little private corner in the nursery for us. I strapped on the SNS for the first time in 4 years and tried, tried really hard to nurse. And baby E, well, he just slept. He was more than 4 hours old by that time, and he was just exhausted, much too tired to eat. We tried for about an hour. I realized hubby was tired, and though he was trying to be patient, his patience was running out. I finally, sadly, accepted that it wasn't going to happen that night and that we would try again the next day.
We had asked the nurses earlier if we would be able to stay there with baby E. Unfortunately, the floor was super busy and didn't even have enough rooms for all the mommas in labor - there was no way they could spare a room for us. So, we left the hospital, without our baby. It was one of the most exhausting days ever, and I didn't even give birth.
Today's lesson - what I learned from that day, well, one of the many things I learned from that day, was that adoption is still very unusual in our society. Even the professionals we expect to be familiar with it, and know how to respond, don't necessarily. The nurses and doctors were kind to us and most importantly to R (which unfortunately was not the case with the kid and his birthmom). However, they were clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation and because of it I think they tried to just completely avoid the whole topic. Which, really, is funny because hubby and I were quite literally the elephants in the middle of the room. What I've realized in the last couple of months is that the desire for normalization of adoption is one of the reasons why I do this blog. I don't know how we do that, other than talking about it. So, more "talking" will happen tomorrow as I blog some more.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Baby E's birth story: Part II
When we got to the hospital, R was just being moved into a regular L&D room, so we had to hang out for a few minutes. When we finally got in, her mom, A, was in with her. She said she'd been having contractions since before midnight the previous evening. Funny, I can't remember now whether she ever got an epidural. When we'd first met her she was emphatic that she wouldn't get one because she had had negative experience with it after the birth of her daughter. Seems like maybe she did... (See this is why I'm writing this now - so I don't forget anymore of it!!)
The social worker showed up just about the same time and we all hung out in the room, just talking a bit and getting to know each other better. The doctor came in to check her and we decided to go get something to eat to give R a chance to check in with the social worker, L. It was very important to us throughout this whole process that R have time to talk with L frequently. We didn't want her to feel pressured into a decision she didn't want, just because we were there. We also wanted her to be able to change her mind about us being present in the room, if that's what she needed.
We were kind of in and out of the room for several hours, letting her rest and have some time to herself. It was nice to sit in the waiting room some and chat with her mom. L had to leave at some point, because she had plans with her family. Hubby and I went down to the cafeteria to have dinner and when we got back R was going through Transition Phase. Now that is the part of labor when (on TV) women are screaming at their partners, cussing and threatening to cut off their man parts. In reality, transition doesn't usually go like that, but it certainly tends to be one of the most intense and painful parts of labor.
R decided that she wanted me and her mom to stay in the room with her. Hubby went to pace it out in the waiting room. I kept picturing him walking around, waiting to hand out cigars, like in the "old days". In reality, I think he was watching TV and talking to a guy who'd been in there for more than 24hrs waiting for his daughter-in-law to have his first granddaughter. I'm sure he was rather anxious and nervous though!
I was standing on the other side of the room, trying to be inconspicuous and out of the way while the doctors and nurses rushed around trying to get everything all prepared. Funny story (ironic, not haha), one of the doctors walked in and we gave each other a double take. Turns out he worked the prenatal clinic at the health department where I'd worked for 8 years. We knew each other. And he was only the first a several people who I ended up knowing at the hospital. This is such a small town (even though it's the 2nd biggest in the state).
The main nurse was wonderful - turns out she is also a midwife. She was bossing the baby (baby as in brand new) doctors around because it really seemed they had no idea what they were doing, as in she had to tell 1 of them (the one who actually delivered baby E!) to put on her gown and booties. R was really in pain and the nurse/midwife started rubbing her back and reminding her to breathe. She did that for several minutes and I noticed that it really seemed to help R relax. The nurse had to get some other things prepared and I saw that R was starting to lose focus. She called for me to come over and hold her hand. I went and started copying what I'd seen the nurse do with her. She quickly calmed down and seemed to become really focused. A was holding her other hand, but she was rather focused on her cellphone, keeping family and friends updated, I think, on R's progress.
I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up holding 1 of R's hands (and legs) while she delivered while the nurse held the other. A was on the phone and taking pictures. She had put a family friend on speaker phone. The friend was rather distracting to all of us, saying "push, R, push", like in between the contractions. It's kind of funny now, but at the time everyone was irritated by her. Overall, I was excited though very calm. R was intently focused and silent.
R pushed just a few times. Baby E came out completely in 2 pushes. I was amazed. I was in awe. I was happy for R. I felt like I had been a good support for her. I did not cry. I did not feel overwhelmed. I did not feel connected. I did not feel like this was my child. R cried. She looked at me and said, "why am I so emotional about this?". I reassured her that it was a huge thing having a baby. An emotional thing. A thing a mother cries about. At that moment, she was E's mother. I was not. She should cry. I wanted to be able to, but I was holding back. I wasn't ready to attach to him. I was too afraid. I was terrified that she would want to continue to be his mother. That I would never have the chance. I didn't want it to hurt any more than I already knew it would if she were to change her mind.
More to come tomorrow...
Today's lesson - my friend Leah (as in Princess, not "Leigh-ah") is a profound kind of person. I can't think of any examples of her profoundness right now, so you'll just have to take my word for it.
The social worker showed up just about the same time and we all hung out in the room, just talking a bit and getting to know each other better. The doctor came in to check her and we decided to go get something to eat to give R a chance to check in with the social worker, L. It was very important to us throughout this whole process that R have time to talk with L frequently. We didn't want her to feel pressured into a decision she didn't want, just because we were there. We also wanted her to be able to change her mind about us being present in the room, if that's what she needed.
We were kind of in and out of the room for several hours, letting her rest and have some time to herself. It was nice to sit in the waiting room some and chat with her mom. L had to leave at some point, because she had plans with her family. Hubby and I went down to the cafeteria to have dinner and when we got back R was going through Transition Phase. Now that is the part of labor when (on TV) women are screaming at their partners, cussing and threatening to cut off their man parts. In reality, transition doesn't usually go like that, but it certainly tends to be one of the most intense and painful parts of labor.
R decided that she wanted me and her mom to stay in the room with her. Hubby went to pace it out in the waiting room. I kept picturing him walking around, waiting to hand out cigars, like in the "old days". In reality, I think he was watching TV and talking to a guy who'd been in there for more than 24hrs waiting for his daughter-in-law to have his first granddaughter. I'm sure he was rather anxious and nervous though!
I was standing on the other side of the room, trying to be inconspicuous and out of the way while the doctors and nurses rushed around trying to get everything all prepared. Funny story (ironic, not haha), one of the doctors walked in and we gave each other a double take. Turns out he worked the prenatal clinic at the health department where I'd worked for 8 years. We knew each other. And he was only the first a several people who I ended up knowing at the hospital. This is such a small town (even though it's the 2nd biggest in the state).
The main nurse was wonderful - turns out she is also a midwife. She was bossing the baby (baby as in brand new) doctors around because it really seemed they had no idea what they were doing, as in she had to tell 1 of them (the one who actually delivered baby E!) to put on her gown and booties. R was really in pain and the nurse/midwife started rubbing her back and reminding her to breathe. She did that for several minutes and I noticed that it really seemed to help R relax. The nurse had to get some other things prepared and I saw that R was starting to lose focus. She called for me to come over and hold her hand. I went and started copying what I'd seen the nurse do with her. She quickly calmed down and seemed to become really focused. A was holding her other hand, but she was rather focused on her cellphone, keeping family and friends updated, I think, on R's progress.
I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up holding 1 of R's hands (and legs) while she delivered while the nurse held the other. A was on the phone and taking pictures. She had put a family friend on speaker phone. The friend was rather distracting to all of us, saying "push, R, push", like in between the contractions. It's kind of funny now, but at the time everyone was irritated by her. Overall, I was excited though very calm. R was intently focused and silent.
R pushed just a few times. Baby E came out completely in 2 pushes. I was amazed. I was in awe. I was happy for R. I felt like I had been a good support for her. I did not cry. I did not feel overwhelmed. I did not feel connected. I did not feel like this was my child. R cried. She looked at me and said, "why am I so emotional about this?". I reassured her that it was a huge thing having a baby. An emotional thing. A thing a mother cries about. At that moment, she was E's mother. I was not. She should cry. I wanted to be able to, but I was holding back. I wasn't ready to attach to him. I was too afraid. I was terrified that she would want to continue to be his mother. That I would never have the chance. I didn't want it to hurt any more than I already knew it would if she were to change her mind.
More to come tomorrow...
Today's lesson - my friend Leah (as in Princess, not "Leigh-ah") is a profound kind of person. I can't think of any examples of her profoundness right now, so you'll just have to take my word for it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Baby E's birth story
I've finally decided to write baby E's birth story. Mostly I don't want to forget any of the details about it. Also, generally, I want you all to have an idea of some of the beautiful aspects of open adoption. This, specifically, is one of them - that I was able to be present in the delivery room to see our son's birth. Obviously, biological mommas are there when their children are born, but, in adoption, a momma getting to see her child's birth is actually a rarity. I'll probably have to break this up in 2-3 posts, so it isn't overwhelmingly long. So, here's the start...
Saturday, September 25, approximately 11am
Hubby and the kid were outside playing and working. More accurately, hubby was doing something to our HVAC and the kid was running around rather unsupervised, but happy as can be. I was inside, just getting out of the shower. My cell rang, it was R. I answered, expecting to hear her voice, when her mother (A.) said, "R told me to call you all. She's in labor and we just got to the hospital. She wants y'all to come. I already called L (the social worker)". I started jumping up and down a little and told her we'd be there ASAP.
I wasn't yet dressed, but, for some reason, didn't think to do that before setting off to try to find hubby and tell him the super exciting news. The windows were open and I ran around to all of them, yelling out for hubby. I finally realized he was, of course, on the 1 side of the house without windows! I called my mom in the midst of all this running around and asked if she could come over to be with the kid while we went to the hospital. She seemed flustered and went through a list of things she needed to get done that day before it finally hit her and she said she'd be right over.
I finally saw hubby walk by the front door and opened it just a crack, yelling for him to come in. He was cranky. I mean super, super cranky. Apparently he had broken the HVAC and was trying to fix it. When I told him R was in labor and asking for us, he just stared at me and was all "I need to fix the HVAC". I repeated what I'd said and reminded him that it was warm outside and we wouldn't be needing the heat for at least a week (more like a month or more). It still took a few minutes for it to click. It really was like I could see the light bulb go on for him and he all of the sudden started moving.
I thought he was going to change, but he ended up taking a shower. I asked him what he was doing, since I wanted to get the hospital, like immediately. He said, "well, I have to shave. I'm not going to meet my new son all scruffy-faced". So I finished getting ready, he showered (and shaved, lol), and I made sure the diaper bag was all ready to go. I had to make sure the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) was in there. I also packed a going home outfit for him (even though he obviously wouldn't be going home for a few days), a blanket, the camera, a few snacks for us, a book, etc... Finally, we were ready to go, and my mom had arrived. We explained to the kid that our baby was FINALLY coming, and we took one last picture of our family of 3. Off to the hospital we headed. It was about noon.
More to come tomorrow...
Saturday, September 25, approximately 11am
Hubby and the kid were outside playing and working. More accurately, hubby was doing something to our HVAC and the kid was running around rather unsupervised, but happy as can be. I was inside, just getting out of the shower. My cell rang, it was R. I answered, expecting to hear her voice, when her mother (A.) said, "R told me to call you all. She's in labor and we just got to the hospital. She wants y'all to come. I already called L (the social worker)". I started jumping up and down a little and told her we'd be there ASAP.
I wasn't yet dressed, but, for some reason, didn't think to do that before setting off to try to find hubby and tell him the super exciting news. The windows were open and I ran around to all of them, yelling out for hubby. I finally realized he was, of course, on the 1 side of the house without windows! I called my mom in the midst of all this running around and asked if she could come over to be with the kid while we went to the hospital. She seemed flustered and went through a list of things she needed to get done that day before it finally hit her and she said she'd be right over.
I finally saw hubby walk by the front door and opened it just a crack, yelling for him to come in. He was cranky. I mean super, super cranky. Apparently he had broken the HVAC and was trying to fix it. When I told him R was in labor and asking for us, he just stared at me and was all "I need to fix the HVAC". I repeated what I'd said and reminded him that it was warm outside and we wouldn't be needing the heat for at least a week (more like a month or more). It still took a few minutes for it to click. It really was like I could see the light bulb go on for him and he all of the sudden started moving.
I thought he was going to change, but he ended up taking a shower. I asked him what he was doing, since I wanted to get the hospital, like immediately. He said, "well, I have to shave. I'm not going to meet my new son all scruffy-faced". So I finished getting ready, he showered (and shaved, lol), and I made sure the diaper bag was all ready to go. I had to make sure the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) was in there. I also packed a going home outfit for him (even though he obviously wouldn't be going home for a few days), a blanket, the camera, a few snacks for us, a book, etc... Finally, we were ready to go, and my mom had arrived. We explained to the kid that our baby was FINALLY coming, and we took one last picture of our family of 3. Off to the hospital we headed. It was about noon.
More to come tomorrow...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
General-ish updates
I don't have anything in particular to talk about today, just some random updates, none of which is enough to write a whole post about it. So, you're going to get variety - you lucky reader, you.
Adoption finalization - yesterday I contacted the attorney who completed the kid's adoption for us. He has to contact the agency, to get the paperwork and get this thing rolling. So, hopefully we'll get somewhere with it this week. You may find it strange, but this isn't something I'm completely crazy to get done like immediately. I mean, sure, we want his adoption finalized, but it's just not an overwhelmingly-we-must-get-this-done-ASAP kind of need. I think, since the birth parents' rights have been terminated, we're both feeling a little more comfortable with it all. We know he's ours and it will all be okay. Nonetheless, it will be nice to have it all "official".
Birth parents - R has moved out of state. We're sad about this, mostly because we're afraid we're going to lose contact with her. We're still texting back and forth, but not nearly as much as before she moved. I'm happy for her because I know she has more support and is "home", but it's still a little sad for us. Total honesty?? In some ways, it's easier now that she's out of state. Though it got easier seeing her with baby E after the TPR, the sitting and staring longingly in his eyes was still a little hard to take. It still felt like she might take off with him. Now, I know in my head she wouldn't (no chance), but my momma heart was struggling a little. Such a complicated relationship!
New job - I have officially tendered my resignation at the current job with my last day being 1/21. However, I still don't have an official start date at the new one. Yeah. I just need to be done with this one. And I'm really looking forward to a couple weeks home again with baby E :) Also, my college friend who did our family pics a couple of months ago is going to do some more pics of just baby E, though maybe a few of the boys together. We're going to do some "Anne Geddes" kind of pics, so if anyone has any ideas of adorable poses, let me know!
Breastfeeding - we are still going strong! I have yet to (myself) give baby E a bottle and I'm quite proud of that. With the kid, particularly at night, I often would because, frankly, it's easier. I've been tempted a few times with baby E, but I'm so glad I haven't. Over our Christmas break, baby E had no bottles and he mostly only gets them at all when he's at the sitter's house. We were super excited that we were given about 300oz of donated breastmilk (from a very trusted source). It was such a blessing to be able to give baby E just breastmilk for a couple of weeks. He's back on the formula now and is a bit miserable and it is, I think, contributing to him not sleeping well (see below). So, if you, or anyone you know, has some milk stored up that you'd like to donate to a good cause (baby E!), please, please, please let me know!
Sleeping - Ah, sleep. How fondly I remember it. I'm excited to get a 5hr chunk of sleep every couple of days. He actually slept through the night when we were out of town for 3 nights, but has been a mess since we got home. And not that I slept through the night, because we were all 4 in 1 room and the kid kept talking in his sleep. That was actually pretty funny, though. He kept saying things like "No, I can not play with you right now. It is time to eat, eat, eat. So back off already". So even though I wasn't sleeping, at least I was laughing. Overall, baby E keeps waking up wanting his paci back (see below for that). For instance, last night/this morning I was awakened at 11:45, 2, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30 (for the day). I'm tired. But, really, I think I'm handling it okay. I've gained a ton of weight, I think because I'm so tired, but otherwise, I'm fine.
Pacifier - yes, we gave in and baby E is now a paci baby. He loves that thing. Like loves it so much I think he may be addicted. He won't sleep without it at night. He also won't really take my finger anymore, unless he's really desperate. I feel a little sad about that :(
Cloth diapering - Can I just say how much we love cloth diapers??! Hubby wasn't so sure about this whole thing from the start, but I do believe he is a true convert now. We bought a pack of disposables (our first since baby E was about a week old) to take on our trip over the holidays. I kind of thought once we got home that hubby would use all of them up before going back to the cloth, but nope! He resumed the cloth and hasn't looked back. I love that man :)
The kid - He is doing so well! We got over the whole potty accident thing (thank goodness!!!!) and he seems to be back to his happy, talkative, super active self. Just like I like him :) I think he's getting to the point where he'll soon give up his nap (what, your kid wasn't still napping at almost 5??! Don't be jealous!). I am super bummed about this, but I suppose it was inevitable - boo. He's such a dear, funny little guy. I realized the other night that I haven't done a "funny things my kid said" post lately, so that'll be soon.
Yeah, I think that's about it for us right now. Super exciting - right?? Right.
Today's lesson - Sometimes I am right, like about the paci. I do wish we hadn't given it to him. I feel like he was sleeping better before he had it. Oh well. Decision made. No turning back. It is not worth it to play the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" game. But at least I was right...
Adoption finalization - yesterday I contacted the attorney who completed the kid's adoption for us. He has to contact the agency, to get the paperwork and get this thing rolling. So, hopefully we'll get somewhere with it this week. You may find it strange, but this isn't something I'm completely crazy to get done like immediately. I mean, sure, we want his adoption finalized, but it's just not an overwhelmingly-we-must-get-this-done-ASAP kind of need. I think, since the birth parents' rights have been terminated, we're both feeling a little more comfortable with it all. We know he's ours and it will all be okay. Nonetheless, it will be nice to have it all "official".
Birth parents - R has moved out of state. We're sad about this, mostly because we're afraid we're going to lose contact with her. We're still texting back and forth, but not nearly as much as before she moved. I'm happy for her because I know she has more support and is "home", but it's still a little sad for us. Total honesty?? In some ways, it's easier now that she's out of state. Though it got easier seeing her with baby E after the TPR, the sitting and staring longingly in his eyes was still a little hard to take. It still felt like she might take off with him. Now, I know in my head she wouldn't (no chance), but my momma heart was struggling a little. Such a complicated relationship!
New job - I have officially tendered my resignation at the current job with my last day being 1/21. However, I still don't have an official start date at the new one. Yeah. I just need to be done with this one. And I'm really looking forward to a couple weeks home again with baby E :) Also, my college friend who did our family pics a couple of months ago is going to do some more pics of just baby E, though maybe a few of the boys together. We're going to do some "Anne Geddes" kind of pics, so if anyone has any ideas of adorable poses, let me know!
Breastfeeding - we are still going strong! I have yet to (myself) give baby E a bottle and I'm quite proud of that. With the kid, particularly at night, I often would because, frankly, it's easier. I've been tempted a few times with baby E, but I'm so glad I haven't. Over our Christmas break, baby E had no bottles and he mostly only gets them at all when he's at the sitter's house. We were super excited that we were given about 300oz of donated breastmilk (from a very trusted source). It was such a blessing to be able to give baby E just breastmilk for a couple of weeks. He's back on the formula now and is a bit miserable and it is, I think, contributing to him not sleeping well (see below). So, if you, or anyone you know, has some milk stored up that you'd like to donate to a good cause (baby E!), please, please, please let me know!
Sleeping - Ah, sleep. How fondly I remember it. I'm excited to get a 5hr chunk of sleep every couple of days. He actually slept through the night when we were out of town for 3 nights, but has been a mess since we got home. And not that I slept through the night, because we were all 4 in 1 room and the kid kept talking in his sleep. That was actually pretty funny, though. He kept saying things like "No, I can not play with you right now. It is time to eat, eat, eat. So back off already". So even though I wasn't sleeping, at least I was laughing. Overall, baby E keeps waking up wanting his paci back (see below for that). For instance, last night/this morning I was awakened at 11:45, 2, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30 (for the day). I'm tired. But, really, I think I'm handling it okay. I've gained a ton of weight, I think because I'm so tired, but otherwise, I'm fine.
Pacifier - yes, we gave in and baby E is now a paci baby. He loves that thing. Like loves it so much I think he may be addicted. He won't sleep without it at night. He also won't really take my finger anymore, unless he's really desperate. I feel a little sad about that :(
Cloth diapering - Can I just say how much we love cloth diapers??! Hubby wasn't so sure about this whole thing from the start, but I do believe he is a true convert now. We bought a pack of disposables (our first since baby E was about a week old) to take on our trip over the holidays. I kind of thought once we got home that hubby would use all of them up before going back to the cloth, but nope! He resumed the cloth and hasn't looked back. I love that man :)
The kid - He is doing so well! We got over the whole potty accident thing (thank goodness!!!!) and he seems to be back to his happy, talkative, super active self. Just like I like him :) I think he's getting to the point where he'll soon give up his nap (what, your kid wasn't still napping at almost 5??! Don't be jealous!). I am super bummed about this, but I suppose it was inevitable - boo. He's such a dear, funny little guy. I realized the other night that I haven't done a "funny things my kid said" post lately, so that'll be soon.
Yeah, I think that's about it for us right now. Super exciting - right?? Right.
Today's lesson - Sometimes I am right, like about the paci. I do wish we hadn't given it to him. I feel like he was sleeping better before he had it. Oh well. Decision made. No turning back. It is not worth it to play the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" game. But at least I was right...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My New Year's Non-Resolution
At a family gathering last night, someone asked of the rest of us what our hopes/ goals/ resolutions for the new year were. Before I could start to formulate and articulate mine, someone said something that I've come to see as quite wise.
There are so many things I could say are my goals, goals that I will actually achieve. I'd love to lose some weight, that old generic goal. Chances are, though, this isn't likely to be a huge priority as I look at my life with two little boys, a husband, a needy dog, and a new job. It'd be nice, but, just being honest with myself, it seems unlikely to be an actual priority.
I'd like to be more deliberate about finding time to do scrapbooking and other creative endeavors. This, too, seems like something I'm just going to have to fit in when possible. And, really, it doesn't seem all that important when I think about what this person said.
What she said, and I paraphrase, is that she doesn't make new years resolutions (and I don't really do that so much either; I more set some generic goals that, frankly, I've often forgotten by about mid-February). What she does do, however, is ask to be open to whatever the New Year may bring. As I've sat with that, it seems so very wise. There is so much in life over which we have little to no control. So much in life that all we can do is ask to be given the tools, the grace, to accept it, deal with it, integrate the lessons offered, and move on.
As I look back over our last year, I am struck at how different things are for us, for me now, than they were just 365 days ago. Last year, just before Christmas, a family member had a sweet baby girl, and though I am ashamed to admit it, it was a low point in my life. At the same time they announced their pregnancy, we announced our intention to adopt again. The possibility that their child would come before ours never entered my mind. So, when their daughter was born, the bottom fell out for me. I sat and sobbed after he called me from the delivery room. He was so happy. I wanted to be happy for them. I couldn't. It was really the first time someone else's baby had been upsetting for me. I felt sad, guilty, ashamed, angry, and a whole host of other emotions.
So why, you ask, am I now blogging about this? Well, it's because I really am struck by how simply being more trusting of "the plan", not MY plan, would have made this easier for me, and so many others around me. And I am now aware of how this openness to grace could have saved us all from unnecessary pain. 2010 started with my feeling angry, and so very sad. I felt our family was incomplete, and because of all of those feelings, I think I kind of withdrew because I was so wrapped up in my own pain. How much I missed out on!
Thus, this year's New Year's non-resolution, if you will, is to be open. Open to what is to come, and open to the strength, willingness, grace, and love to accept what may come and to be able to know how to best deal with it. Obviously, this is easier than it would have been last year because I am in a much happier place. I know, however, that this year, too, will come with its trials and tribulations. I just hope to meet them with grace instead of sobbing this time.
Today's lesson - my momma really is a wise woman. But, then again, if you know her, this probably isn't a new lesson for you.
There are so many things I could say are my goals, goals that I will actually achieve. I'd love to lose some weight, that old generic goal. Chances are, though, this isn't likely to be a huge priority as I look at my life with two little boys, a husband, a needy dog, and a new job. It'd be nice, but, just being honest with myself, it seems unlikely to be an actual priority.
I'd like to be more deliberate about finding time to do scrapbooking and other creative endeavors. This, too, seems like something I'm just going to have to fit in when possible. And, really, it doesn't seem all that important when I think about what this person said.
What she said, and I paraphrase, is that she doesn't make new years resolutions (and I don't really do that so much either; I more set some generic goals that, frankly, I've often forgotten by about mid-February). What she does do, however, is ask to be open to whatever the New Year may bring. As I've sat with that, it seems so very wise. There is so much in life over which we have little to no control. So much in life that all we can do is ask to be given the tools, the grace, to accept it, deal with it, integrate the lessons offered, and move on.
As I look back over our last year, I am struck at how different things are for us, for me now, than they were just 365 days ago. Last year, just before Christmas, a family member had a sweet baby girl, and though I am ashamed to admit it, it was a low point in my life. At the same time they announced their pregnancy, we announced our intention to adopt again. The possibility that their child would come before ours never entered my mind. So, when their daughter was born, the bottom fell out for me. I sat and sobbed after he called me from the delivery room. He was so happy. I wanted to be happy for them. I couldn't. It was really the first time someone else's baby had been upsetting for me. I felt sad, guilty, ashamed, angry, and a whole host of other emotions.
So why, you ask, am I now blogging about this? Well, it's because I really am struck by how simply being more trusting of "the plan", not MY plan, would have made this easier for me, and so many others around me. And I am now aware of how this openness to grace could have saved us all from unnecessary pain. 2010 started with my feeling angry, and so very sad. I felt our family was incomplete, and because of all of those feelings, I think I kind of withdrew because I was so wrapped up in my own pain. How much I missed out on!
Thus, this year's New Year's non-resolution, if you will, is to be open. Open to what is to come, and open to the strength, willingness, grace, and love to accept what may come and to be able to know how to best deal with it. Obviously, this is easier than it would have been last year because I am in a much happier place. I know, however, that this year, too, will come with its trials and tribulations. I just hope to meet them with grace instead of sobbing this time.
Today's lesson - my momma really is a wise woman. But, then again, if you know her, this probably isn't a new lesson for you.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I was wrong.
There. I said it. I was wrong. And, even more, I'm glad I was wrong. That's right. About what, you ask. Well let me tell you. It's a pretty big deal. We had a visit with our social workers today, which was fine, no big deal. Until they were walking out the door and just happened to mention something rather significant. Something huge really. We were under the impression we had to wait 6 months until we could file to finalize the adoption. (here comes the part where I was wrong) We don't! We can apply once baby E is 3 months old. Any of you do that math yet????????? I'll give you a moment..... That's right!!! That is on Christmas day, people, just 3 days from now!!!!! We're planning to use the same attorney as last time, so we just need to set up an appointment, get the paperwork filed and get a court date. This could/will still take a few months, but still, it's a lot sooner (like 6 months sooner) than expected. It's like the antithesis of all the waiting we've been doing for the last 2 years. Merry Christmas to us.
So today's lesson - I am capable of admitting I'm wrong. And hey, I'm even capable of actually being wrong. Who knew?
So today's lesson - I am capable of admitting I'm wrong. And hey, I'm even capable of actually being wrong. Who knew?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
There's nothing quite like baby love
I was nursing baby E a bit ago and teared up. He's been rather pitiful today since getting his first shots which has resulted in him taking forever to nurse. Sometimes this would drive me crazy (i.e. 3am), today though, I'm loving it. I sat here and realized something... I adore this baby. Like totally head over heels, heart bursting open love this little fellow. It's interesting because though I love the kid with my whole being, he's a lot of work. You know, the dealing with backtalk, running around like an insane asylum escapee, etc... kind of stuff. Baby E, on the other hand, just is. He's happy as long as he's being held. He demands so little, and his demands are easy to determine. The kid, well, he's just a lot more complicated, and it's often harder to meet his needs.
For example, if baby E is hungry, he sucks his tongue, or fusses a little and we feed him. End of story. Happy, content little being. The kid gets cranky, and falls apart, that's the way we know he's hungry, as he's often engaged in something more interesting and is overly hungry before he probably even realizes it much less lets us know. And there's generally a lot of fussing, and telling him what to do - and what not to do, and crankiness in general before he finally eats. And eating doesn't always mean he is happy afterwards. I know, I know. There's a whole blood sugar component. But, the point of it all is, he's just a bit more complicated.
So, though I love that kiddo with all that I am, for right now, baby E is just easier to be in love with. And, truth be told, I really feel guilty about it. I feel sometimes like I'm neglecting the kid, and poor hubby, because I am so wrapped up in a little cocoon of a world with baby E. And, I am embarrassed to admit, I kind of like it, the "us-ness" of my little world with baby E and though I know I need to open it up to the rest of my little family, I am feeling selfish and don't want to. But it's happening anyway, even without my "allowing" it.
Baby E started laughing tonight (well, he's laughed a few times in his sleep, but this was the first time he was awake, saw something and laughed in direct response). And the little stinker, did he laugh at me? NO!!!!! Hubby called me in to see/hear the most adorable spectacle. I teared up it was so dear. And probably also a little because he had the nerve to laugh at hubby for the first time instead of me. I tried to get baby E to laugh at me by doing the same thing hubby was doing and baby E just looked at me like I was infringing on his time with his Poppa. It kinda hurt my feelings a little.
I know it's good. It's what's in the best interest of all of us. But it makes me a little sad. I'm glad to see the relationship growing so strongly between hubby and baby E, but I'm a little jealous. I think it's time, though, for me to come out of the cocoon, and rejoin the rest of my family. It's bigger by 1 person now, and probably even more chaotic. I hope I'm ready...
Today's lesson - in case you're not aware, Christmas is in 4 short days. I hope you're ready. I am...not. At all. Crap.
For example, if baby E is hungry, he sucks his tongue, or fusses a little and we feed him. End of story. Happy, content little being. The kid gets cranky, and falls apart, that's the way we know he's hungry, as he's often engaged in something more interesting and is overly hungry before he probably even realizes it much less lets us know. And there's generally a lot of fussing, and telling him what to do - and what not to do, and crankiness in general before he finally eats. And eating doesn't always mean he is happy afterwards. I know, I know. There's a whole blood sugar component. But, the point of it all is, he's just a bit more complicated.
So, though I love that kiddo with all that I am, for right now, baby E is just easier to be in love with. And, truth be told, I really feel guilty about it. I feel sometimes like I'm neglecting the kid, and poor hubby, because I am so wrapped up in a little cocoon of a world with baby E. And, I am embarrassed to admit, I kind of like it, the "us-ness" of my little world with baby E and though I know I need to open it up to the rest of my little family, I am feeling selfish and don't want to. But it's happening anyway, even without my "allowing" it.
Baby E started laughing tonight (well, he's laughed a few times in his sleep, but this was the first time he was awake, saw something and laughed in direct response). And the little stinker, did he laugh at me? NO!!!!! Hubby called me in to see/hear the most adorable spectacle. I teared up it was so dear. And probably also a little because he had the nerve to laugh at hubby for the first time instead of me. I tried to get baby E to laugh at me by doing the same thing hubby was doing and baby E just looked at me like I was infringing on his time with his Poppa. It kinda hurt my feelings a little.
I know it's good. It's what's in the best interest of all of us. But it makes me a little sad. I'm glad to see the relationship growing so strongly between hubby and baby E, but I'm a little jealous. I think it's time, though, for me to come out of the cocoon, and rejoin the rest of my family. It's bigger by 1 person now, and probably even more chaotic. I hope I'm ready...
Today's lesson - in case you're not aware, Christmas is in 4 short days. I hope you're ready. I am...not. At all. Crap.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Our big week
We've had a pretty big week around here. First I was offered, and accepted, a new job! Well, I should give you some background. The week before last, hubby and I made the huge decision that I was going to quit my job and be a SAHM, at least for awhile (6month trial run kind of deal). Well, within 12 hours of making that decision, I got 2 calls for job interviews. 1 of the jobs I'd applied for on a whim like 2+ months ago even though I wasn't all that interested in it. The other I'd interviewed for a couple of years ago. They basically offered it to me, but, at the time it didn't have any benefits, so I had to turn it down. Well, recently they had a position open up and thought of me. I interviewed again and they offered it (this time with benefits) without even accepting applications or interviewing anyone else. The best part of this job, it will allow me to work from home at least 20hrs/week. It's seems like the best of both worlds - I continue to get a paycheck (and even a slight increase from what I make now) and I have so much more time home with baby E, the kid, and hubby. I do believe this job is the answer to our prayers!!
So the next huge (and even bigger than the job, if you can believe it) thing, is that the TPR is FINALLY done. There were a few stressful moments around that, specifically in regards to birthdad, but it's signed by the judge. Now, for those of you not familiar with adoptions, this does not mean his adoption is done. That's right, we still have months before that will be finalized. However, it does mean that neither birth parent has any legal rights to baby E from here on out. There is no changing his/her mind. It's done. It'll be at least 6 months before his adoption can be final, per state law, but that shouldn't any kind of an issue - thankfully. This, my friends, is an awesome Christmas present.
And, if all that weren't exciting enough, baby E has started rolling over! He did it randomly when he was about 6 weeks old, but hasn't repeated the trick. Until now. Today he has rolled over lots and lots of times. Funnily, he doesn't seem amused about it. I put him on his belly, he gets pissed, and then starts concentrating really hard. Then he flips over and sighs in relief. He doesn't smile, no, not at all. Just like "finally, it's about time" (even though he really gets over amazingly quick). This is how I know it's intentional, and not just another fluke. Which is interesting because it's not like he's been trying to do it and hasn't been successful. This rolling is totally out of the blue! It was like one minute he'd never even considered the possibility, then the next he was doing it. It's quite adorable. It was also adorable to have the kid watching and cheering baby E on. He's such a sweet kiddo!
Well, I think that's about it for us this week. Actually, I think it's about all the excitement I can handle what with trying to get ready for Christmas and all.
Today's lesson - even when you start getting ready for Christmas WAAAAAAYYYYY in advance, and think you're way ahead of the game, you're probably not. There will inevitably be all kinds of things that pop up, things that you just didn't think about. And you will still end up running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Also, anytime you sit down to start a project, the baby will wake up. Or the 4yo will break something. Thus is life. Enjoy the chaos, or you will go mad.
So the next huge (and even bigger than the job, if you can believe it) thing, is that the TPR is FINALLY done. There were a few stressful moments around that, specifically in regards to birthdad, but it's signed by the judge. Now, for those of you not familiar with adoptions, this does not mean his adoption is done. That's right, we still have months before that will be finalized. However, it does mean that neither birth parent has any legal rights to baby E from here on out. There is no changing his/her mind. It's done. It'll be at least 6 months before his adoption can be final, per state law, but that shouldn't any kind of an issue - thankfully. This, my friends, is an awesome Christmas present.
And, if all that weren't exciting enough, baby E has started rolling over! He did it randomly when he was about 6 weeks old, but hasn't repeated the trick. Until now. Today he has rolled over lots and lots of times. Funnily, he doesn't seem amused about it. I put him on his belly, he gets pissed, and then starts concentrating really hard. Then he flips over and sighs in relief. He doesn't smile, no, not at all. Just like "finally, it's about time" (even though he really gets over amazingly quick). This is how I know it's intentional, and not just another fluke. Which is interesting because it's not like he's been trying to do it and hasn't been successful. This rolling is totally out of the blue! It was like one minute he'd never even considered the possibility, then the next he was doing it. It's quite adorable. It was also adorable to have the kid watching and cheering baby E on. He's such a sweet kiddo!
Well, I think that's about it for us this week. Actually, I think it's about all the excitement I can handle what with trying to get ready for Christmas and all.
Today's lesson - even when you start getting ready for Christmas WAAAAAAYYYYY in advance, and think you're way ahead of the game, you're probably not. There will inevitably be all kinds of things that pop up, things that you just didn't think about. And you will still end up running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Also, anytime you sit down to start a project, the baby will wake up. Or the 4yo will break something. Thus is life. Enjoy the chaos, or you will go mad.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Anniversary of the Kid's Adoption Day
Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of the kid's adoption day. I pointed it out to hubby and he said, "gosh, I wish we could get ahold of L and D" (the kid's birth parents). And that got me thinking about what I would tell them if I could talk to them. So here it is...
Dear L and D-
When I think about what our lives looked like before this kid, I don't know what we did. I don't even know who we were. This kid made me a momma. He altered my life in the most permanent way possible. He changed the core of who I am. He made me a better person. He also made me a more tired person. But I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to chase after, to talk to, to laugh at, to sing with, to read to, to snuggle in bed with, to explain things to, to love. We may have slept a lot more before he was born, but we were also a lot more boring.
I don't know what his life would have looked like had you chosen to parent him. But I do know what his life looks like now. First and most importantly, he is surrounded by people who completely adore him. Us, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, dear friends, and even a brother, who, at not even 3 months old, looks for him at the sound of his voice and lights up at the sight of his face. L and D, this child is so loved.
Also, he is so funny! He has the most delightful sense of humor, though he is also often funny without even knowing it. He loves words and language and picks them up with the most amazing speed. He is empathetic and intuitive. He adores his baby brother. He loves books, and legos, and dinosaurs, and swimming, and running, and camping, and hiking, and the outdoors, and music. He has the potential to be an amazing leader, though is so in tune with others' feelings, he sometimes makes poor choices to please or amuse them. He is a great eater and will pretty much eat anything, and will definitely take at least one bite. He has a total sweet tooth! Oh, yeah, he is made crazy by the slightest bit of red dye #40. Funnily, his favorite color is red, though he's not really a fan of purple.
I will never know for sure why you decided that you couldn't parent him, or why you chose us as his forever family. Nor will I ever know why you have decided that you can't be in our lives right now. I grieve for that. I grieve for your loss of this child. And I am grateful beyond words for the gift of him. Please know that we are always here, willing, wanting you to be in our lives. Please know that we think of you often, pray for you always. Know that we love you and are fostering that love in our son.
The words thank you are obviously inadequate, but in the end, they're all I'm left with.
Happy Adoption Day, kiddo! We love you and feel so blessed to be your parents.
Today's lesson - Candy canes have red dye in them. Red dye #40. Feel free to ask me why I know that for sure (other than it is very clearly written on the ingredient list of the box). Feel free to ask me why I didn't read that stupid box until it was too late.
Dear L and D-
When I think about what our lives looked like before this kid, I don't know what we did. I don't even know who we were. This kid made me a momma. He altered my life in the most permanent way possible. He changed the core of who I am. He made me a better person. He also made me a more tired person. But I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to chase after, to talk to, to laugh at, to sing with, to read to, to snuggle in bed with, to explain things to, to love. We may have slept a lot more before he was born, but we were also a lot more boring.
I don't know what his life would have looked like had you chosen to parent him. But I do know what his life looks like now. First and most importantly, he is surrounded by people who completely adore him. Us, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, dear friends, and even a brother, who, at not even 3 months old, looks for him at the sound of his voice and lights up at the sight of his face. L and D, this child is so loved.
I know at least one family who made the choice to adopt directly because of this kid. I don't know what he will do with his life, but I know with my entire being that he will continue to affect other people in profound, positive, beautiful ways.
Also, he is so funny! He has the most delightful sense of humor, though he is also often funny without even knowing it. He loves words and language and picks them up with the most amazing speed. He is empathetic and intuitive. He adores his baby brother. He loves books, and legos, and dinosaurs, and swimming, and running, and camping, and hiking, and the outdoors, and music. He has the potential to be an amazing leader, though is so in tune with others' feelings, he sometimes makes poor choices to please or amuse them. He is a great eater and will pretty much eat anything, and will definitely take at least one bite. He has a total sweet tooth! Oh, yeah, he is made crazy by the slightest bit of red dye #40. Funnily, his favorite color is red, though he's not really a fan of purple.
I will never know for sure why you decided that you couldn't parent him, or why you chose us as his forever family. Nor will I ever know why you have decided that you can't be in our lives right now. I grieve for that. I grieve for your loss of this child. And I am grateful beyond words for the gift of him. Please know that we are always here, willing, wanting you to be in our lives. Please know that we think of you often, pray for you always. Know that we love you and are fostering that love in our son.
The words thank you are obviously inadequate, but in the end, they're all I'm left with.
Happy Adoption Day, kiddo! We love you and feel so blessed to be your parents.
Today's lesson - Candy canes have red dye in them. Red dye #40. Feel free to ask me why I know that for sure (other than it is very clearly written on the ingredient list of the box). Feel free to ask me why I didn't read that stupid box until it was too late.
Friday, December 10, 2010
What's in a Name?
It's funny how we end up with nicknames. Some of our names are derivatives of our given names (i.e. Becky comes from Rebecca). Sometimes they're completely random, or, as is the case in my mom's family, start random, then become kind of a theme. My grandfather called my mom, the first of 6 kiddos, Cabbage. Then my aunt came along and she was Carrot. Then came another aunt (whose nickname I can't remember right now), and then aunt Doughnut. Then there were 2 boys, whose nicknames I also can't remember. But you get the gist, they were all foods.
Some nicknames are given because we remind someone of someone, or something else. For instance, the kid is also known as "bug-a-boo" or simply "bug" in my house. Mostly it's me who uses this nickname, but I do so pretty often, and the kid will respond to it at least as consistently as he does to his actual name (which, frankly, is sporadic, particularly when he's engaged in something interesting). I'm not entirely sure how he ended up with that nickname, but it popped up somewhere around the 8-9 month mark, and has stuck. And really it fits him. He's a boy who likes the outdoors and dirt and sticks. He likes to climb and crawl and certainly tries to fly. He's kind of like a bug. See, it fits.
Sometimes our nicknames come from something we do. I realized yesterday that baby E has become "Gee" (like "glee", minus the "L". Sidebar - may I just say how entertaining I find that show. Though I do think it was better last season than this season...). It's because he vocalizes the sound "gee", and has since he was teenie tiny, as kind of his warning signal that he's about to really start crying. He says "gee" while kind of moving his head around, with this concerned look on his face. And you'd better respond to that "gee" or you're sure to get a fullblown scream out of him in about 45 seconds. It's kind of adorable (the "gee", not the scream). And it's something that's unique about him.
Now, I totally didn't start calling him that on purpose. I would repeat his "gee" to him in an attempt to engage him in "conversation" to give myself a few more minutes before the screaming starts (and yes, that does work most of the time). And then I just heard myself when I was talking to him last night say something like this "hey, Gee. Hi my baby. Whatcha doing? Do you see those lights on our tree, Gee?". Then I noticed hubby looking at me strange, and I was all like "yeah, I call him Gee. I just heard that. I don't know why. I wonder why I do that. It's kinda cute though and fits him, don't you think?". Then I realized hubby wasn't paying attention at all to what I was saying and was actually looking at my boobs which were kind of "out there" because of the nursing shirt I was wearing. So I told him to look at my eyes. He was too distracted though to listen to me. Go figure.
Today's lesson - while using a breastpump every 3ish hours is nothing akin to fun, it is, I have recently discovered, a good time to take a 15 minute nap. Gotta get caught up on that sleep somehow!
Some nicknames are given because we remind someone of someone, or something else. For instance, the kid is also known as "bug-a-boo" or simply "bug" in my house. Mostly it's me who uses this nickname, but I do so pretty often, and the kid will respond to it at least as consistently as he does to his actual name (which, frankly, is sporadic, particularly when he's engaged in something interesting). I'm not entirely sure how he ended up with that nickname, but it popped up somewhere around the 8-9 month mark, and has stuck. And really it fits him. He's a boy who likes the outdoors and dirt and sticks. He likes to climb and crawl and certainly tries to fly. He's kind of like a bug. See, it fits.
Sometimes our nicknames come from something we do. I realized yesterday that baby E has become "Gee" (like "glee", minus the "L". Sidebar - may I just say how entertaining I find that show. Though I do think it was better last season than this season...). It's because he vocalizes the sound "gee", and has since he was teenie tiny, as kind of his warning signal that he's about to really start crying. He says "gee" while kind of moving his head around, with this concerned look on his face. And you'd better respond to that "gee" or you're sure to get a fullblown scream out of him in about 45 seconds. It's kind of adorable (the "gee", not the scream). And it's something that's unique about him.
Now, I totally didn't start calling him that on purpose. I would repeat his "gee" to him in an attempt to engage him in "conversation" to give myself a few more minutes before the screaming starts (and yes, that does work most of the time). And then I just heard myself when I was talking to him last night say something like this "hey, Gee. Hi my baby. Whatcha doing? Do you see those lights on our tree, Gee?". Then I noticed hubby looking at me strange, and I was all like "yeah, I call him Gee. I just heard that. I don't know why. I wonder why I do that. It's kinda cute though and fits him, don't you think?". Then I realized hubby wasn't paying attention at all to what I was saying and was actually looking at my boobs which were kind of "out there" because of the nursing shirt I was wearing. So I told him to look at my eyes. He was too distracted though to listen to me. Go figure.
Today's lesson - while using a breastpump every 3ish hours is nothing akin to fun, it is, I have recently discovered, a good time to take a 15 minute nap. Gotta get caught up on that sleep somehow!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Back at work
I can't believe it's been a whole week since I blogged. But, I suppose it makes sense since I've been so much busier being back at work and all. Wednesday was okay, because baby E was with me. Thursday wasn't too bad, because it was a short day (since baby E had his 2 month check up - more about that later), and my co-worker had her baby there for a few hours, which actually helped. Friday, though. Ugh. Friday kinda sucked. It was really quiet and I was exhausted (baby E got up a 430am, and by the time he went back to sleep, there was no point in going back bed; I only got about 5 hrs of sleep that night) and that made the day super long.
Baby E, fortunately, seems to be just fine. My dear friend is keeping him, which, frankly, is the only way I could bear to go back to work at all. I am glad he's fine, though a part of me wishes he would be fussy and unhappy, realize I was gone in some way! Instead, he seems completely content, the little stinker. It's good, I know, but still, a little bit of missing me would be nice.
I, however, don't think I can continue to do this. I don't want to work. I want be home. I want to focus on being a mommy, a wife. Hubby and I are actually seriously considering this. We are looking at our finances to see if it is even the slightest possibility. I know it will be a huge lifestyle change for us. I didn't think that would be okay. Now I do. I think it's worth it to spend so much time with my family. I now have a hard time seeing why I wouldn't want to be here (other than the financial aspect, which is, admittedly a huge consideration). Before, whenever I thought about staying home, I immediately thought about the professional needs I have. To be honest, I'm not feeling those tugs right now. And I know that there will always be social work jobs out there. Because I know the time will come when I'm ready to work again, when I need to focus my attention on my professional self, and not just my mommy and wife self. I just don't think that time is right now...
Oh yeah. Baby E's 2 month check up. He was up to 11lbs - that's 3lbs in 6weeks, people! Seriously, that baby sure loves to eat. The pediatrician said he looks great (and again repeated that whole "He's perfect. I think you should keep him" spiel, which was irritating and elicited a blank stare from me; I still don't think she got it). We'd decided before going that we're going to delay some immunizations. Baby E isn't in a daycare, or around a bunch of kids, so he's not at high risk. Some of the vaccinations we'll get soon, others, though, I'd prefer to hold off on for quite a while. I mean, really, why does an infant need an immunization for Hepatitis B? The pediatrician gave me "the look" and sighed, rolling her eyes a bit, when we told her we're going to delay. But when I asked her why he needed Hep B, she floundered and admitted that he doesn't. Same thing happened with regards to a couple of the others. I could tell she was getting annoyed, but oh well. I agreed that we'll get a couple, and then she said they couldn't give them there anyway since he's still on a medical card (can't be put on our insurance at present - complicated adoption thing) which doens't reimburse them enough. She said we'll have to go to the health department. Sigh. Nothing seems to be easy with baby E. Well, that's not true. Loving him has been easy. That makes up for the rest of the craziness.
Today's lesson - when talking to your kid about the yellow snow, make SURE he didn't eat it before he gives you a big, sloppy, wet kiss. Yeah. That's just gross.
Baby E, fortunately, seems to be just fine. My dear friend is keeping him, which, frankly, is the only way I could bear to go back to work at all. I am glad he's fine, though a part of me wishes he would be fussy and unhappy, realize I was gone in some way! Instead, he seems completely content, the little stinker. It's good, I know, but still, a little bit of missing me would be nice.
I, however, don't think I can continue to do this. I don't want to work. I want be home. I want to focus on being a mommy, a wife. Hubby and I are actually seriously considering this. We are looking at our finances to see if it is even the slightest possibility. I know it will be a huge lifestyle change for us. I didn't think that would be okay. Now I do. I think it's worth it to spend so much time with my family. I now have a hard time seeing why I wouldn't want to be here (other than the financial aspect, which is, admittedly a huge consideration). Before, whenever I thought about staying home, I immediately thought about the professional needs I have. To be honest, I'm not feeling those tugs right now. And I know that there will always be social work jobs out there. Because I know the time will come when I'm ready to work again, when I need to focus my attention on my professional self, and not just my mommy and wife self. I just don't think that time is right now...
Oh yeah. Baby E's 2 month check up. He was up to 11lbs - that's 3lbs in 6weeks, people! Seriously, that baby sure loves to eat. The pediatrician said he looks great (and again repeated that whole "He's perfect. I think you should keep him" spiel, which was irritating and elicited a blank stare from me; I still don't think she got it). We'd decided before going that we're going to delay some immunizations. Baby E isn't in a daycare, or around a bunch of kids, so he's not at high risk. Some of the vaccinations we'll get soon, others, though, I'd prefer to hold off on for quite a while. I mean, really, why does an infant need an immunization for Hepatitis B? The pediatrician gave me "the look" and sighed, rolling her eyes a bit, when we told her we're going to delay. But when I asked her why he needed Hep B, she floundered and admitted that he doesn't. Same thing happened with regards to a couple of the others. I could tell she was getting annoyed, but oh well. I agreed that we'll get a couple, and then she said they couldn't give them there anyway since he's still on a medical card (can't be put on our insurance at present - complicated adoption thing) which doens't reimburse them enough. She said we'll have to go to the health department. Sigh. Nothing seems to be easy with baby E. Well, that's not true. Loving him has been easy. That makes up for the rest of the craziness.
Today's lesson - when talking to your kid about the yellow snow, make SURE he didn't eat it before he gives you a big, sloppy, wet kiss. Yeah. That's just gross.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I hate Wednesday
You know how sometime you have tons to say, but you just can't. We've had visits with social workers, visits with R, baby E's baptism, family visiting, stuff with the kid, and more. But I just can't seem to figure out how to write about it. I could just blame it on being busy with all of the above, in addition to school stuff, but I don't know that that would really be the reason. Part of it is some frustrating situations that have occurred regarding baby E and the adoption process, but I can't really write about on here. I wish I could because I think it would help me process and deal, but it's just not an option right now. Which sucks.
Alot of my writer's block (if you will) is that I'm going back to work this week and I simply can't deal with it. Hubby keeps asking me why this is so difficult for me and I don't think there's just one reason. Here are a few... First, we waited for baby E for 2 years and it seems so wrong to me to go back to work when I'm just starting to get to know him, when he's starting to get to know me. Then there's the whole breastfeeding thing. I've spent so much time, energy, money, etc... (as I've previously discussed) preparing for it, I'm terrified that once I go back to work, it'll all fall apart. And he's still really inconsistent with his sleep. 2 nights ago I got 7 hours of sleep - woohoo!!!!!! Then last night he was up at least every 2 hours. We follow the same routine, he just doesn't. And I know that my dear friend who will be caring for him is going to love him and take splendid care of him. And I know that he's probably going to be fine and millions of kids survive just fine while their mommas work outside the home.
And, yes. It's possible that all these fears are completely unfounded and inconsequential and ridiculous. So here's the last reason - I just don't want to leave him. I'm not ready. There's nothing I want more right now than to sit at home, cuddling baby E, playing with the kid, spending time with hubby, simply focusing on my family. For some reason, I have been feeling like I have to justify that. But screw it. I don't have to. There's nothing wrong with that being the whole reason I want to stay home - because I just do. I want to focus on being a mommy and wife right now. What better reason could there be??!!
But I can't. We have bills to pay and health insurance to have covered and I can't responsibly leave my employer completely in the lurch right now. And that's why I'm cranky and really tearful today. Because Wednesday I go back to work. Fortunately, my boss has been very generous and is allowing me to take baby E with me for a half day of Wednesday, then only work a long-ish half day Thursday, before going back for a full day on Friday. And I leave my baby for the first time. Up til now the longest I've left him has been for 2.5 hours. And Friday I have to leave him for 8 hours. I'm going to miss 8 hours of cuddling and smiles and giggles. About 3-4 nursing sessions. About 4 diaper changes (which I enjoy because he's usually smiling and happy). 8 hours away from my baby. More than three times the amount of time I've left him up until now. And it just sucks. And please don't say that it had to happen eventually because I obviously realize that. All I'm saying is that I'm just not ready for it to happen yet.
Today's lesson - sigh... But on the bright side - baby E apparently likes dresses! When the kid was baptised, he screamed from the moment we put the baptismal gown on him, til we took it off. Baby E smiled and was very content. Also, he might look cute in a tutu that I made for my niece. And he makes a pretty girl ;)
Alot of my writer's block (if you will) is that I'm going back to work this week and I simply can't deal with it. Hubby keeps asking me why this is so difficult for me and I don't think there's just one reason. Here are a few... First, we waited for baby E for 2 years and it seems so wrong to me to go back to work when I'm just starting to get to know him, when he's starting to get to know me. Then there's the whole breastfeeding thing. I've spent so much time, energy, money, etc... (as I've previously discussed) preparing for it, I'm terrified that once I go back to work, it'll all fall apart. And he's still really inconsistent with his sleep. 2 nights ago I got 7 hours of sleep - woohoo!!!!!! Then last night he was up at least every 2 hours. We follow the same routine, he just doesn't. And I know that my dear friend who will be caring for him is going to love him and take splendid care of him. And I know that he's probably going to be fine and millions of kids survive just fine while their mommas work outside the home.
And, yes. It's possible that all these fears are completely unfounded and inconsequential and ridiculous. So here's the last reason - I just don't want to leave him. I'm not ready. There's nothing I want more right now than to sit at home, cuddling baby E, playing with the kid, spending time with hubby, simply focusing on my family. For some reason, I have been feeling like I have to justify that. But screw it. I don't have to. There's nothing wrong with that being the whole reason I want to stay home - because I just do. I want to focus on being a mommy and wife right now. What better reason could there be??!!
But I can't. We have bills to pay and health insurance to have covered and I can't responsibly leave my employer completely in the lurch right now. And that's why I'm cranky and really tearful today. Because Wednesday I go back to work. Fortunately, my boss has been very generous and is allowing me to take baby E with me for a half day of Wednesday, then only work a long-ish half day Thursday, before going back for a full day on Friday. And I leave my baby for the first time. Up til now the longest I've left him has been for 2.5 hours. And Friday I have to leave him for 8 hours. I'm going to miss 8 hours of cuddling and smiles and giggles. About 3-4 nursing sessions. About 4 diaper changes (which I enjoy because he's usually smiling and happy). 8 hours away from my baby. More than three times the amount of time I've left him up until now. And it just sucks. And please don't say that it had to happen eventually because I obviously realize that. All I'm saying is that I'm just not ready for it to happen yet.
Today's lesson - sigh... But on the bright side - baby E apparently likes dresses! When the kid was baptised, he screamed from the moment we put the baptismal gown on him, til we took it off. Baby E smiled and was very content. Also, he might look cute in a tutu that I made for my niece. And he makes a pretty girl ;)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Potty Problems
The kid. My kid. My precious little boy. I adore him. He was at the epicenter of our lives until recently. Now he has to share that with baby E. The first 6 weeks after baby E was born were great. The kid adores his baby brother. He helped us, was gentle, didn't seem to mind that his attention had been usurped. Sure, he was a little more active than usual (though heaven only knows how that is even possible!), but that was it. Other than that, he was just our little guy, slightly amped up.
Then, about 2 weeks ago, the kid had a couple potty "accidents". First he peed a couple of times in his underwear. Then he had a poop accident. He also started being a bit more defiant. This also coincided with the time change, so I was willing to believe that perhaps this behavior was due to him being overtired. We moved his bedtime back a bit and the defiance resolved. The bathroom "accidents", however, did not. In fact, they only escalated. This weekend he pooped in his underwear 6 times. 6 times, people!!!!!
Hubby and I are really struggling with how to respond. At first we tried talking to him about it and trying to get out of him why he was having accidents. No luck there; he wasn't able to articulate anything, in fact, he refused to discuss it at all. Then we tried removing privileges. And giving rewards for appropriate behavior (no accidents/going in the toilet). Also not successful. So, Sunday evening I told him if he had another accident he would be wearing diapers. A couple of hours later he did, so into a pullup he went. And then proceeded to poop in it. Then last night I told him if he had another incident, he would be wearing a diaper to school. He did, so to school today he went in a diaper.
We're trying to stay unemotional when responding to his "accidents" (and I am putting accidents in quotations because I don't think there's anything at all accidental about the incidents) but it's really challenging. I keep reminding myself that he won't go to college soiling himself. And I keep reminding hubby that there is no point making this into a battle, because it's one we can't win. When and where he "goes", well that is one of the few things in his life over which the kid has any control. If we try to engage him in a battle, he will win. Though really, we'll all lose.
I'm pretty sure he's trying to get the attention he's accustomed to and missing. And even if what we're giving him is negative, it's still attention. So, for now he gets to wear diapers until he uses the toilet appropriately. He will clean himself up after an "accident", in the bathroom, by himself. We will use quiet, unemotional voices when discussing the issue. He will not watch TV (not that he did much anyway) until he has 2 days in a row of good bathroom choices. And, we will look for opportunities to praise him extra for appropriate behaviors/good choices. Surely it will work. He won't be 18 still doing this.........RIGHT??!!!!!!
Today's lesson - babies are absolutely much easier than 4 year olds. They're not as funny though. And they don't hug as tightly. Or sing really cute songs to you. Or tell you that you're a rock star of a mom. All human behavior has meaning behind it. The trick is to find the meaning...
Then, about 2 weeks ago, the kid had a couple potty "accidents". First he peed a couple of times in his underwear. Then he had a poop accident. He also started being a bit more defiant. This also coincided with the time change, so I was willing to believe that perhaps this behavior was due to him being overtired. We moved his bedtime back a bit and the defiance resolved. The bathroom "accidents", however, did not. In fact, they only escalated. This weekend he pooped in his underwear 6 times. 6 times, people!!!!!
Hubby and I are really struggling with how to respond. At first we tried talking to him about it and trying to get out of him why he was having accidents. No luck there; he wasn't able to articulate anything, in fact, he refused to discuss it at all. Then we tried removing privileges. And giving rewards for appropriate behavior (no accidents/going in the toilet). Also not successful. So, Sunday evening I told him if he had another accident he would be wearing diapers. A couple of hours later he did, so into a pullup he went. And then proceeded to poop in it. Then last night I told him if he had another incident, he would be wearing a diaper to school. He did, so to school today he went in a diaper.
We're trying to stay unemotional when responding to his "accidents" (and I am putting accidents in quotations because I don't think there's anything at all accidental about the incidents) but it's really challenging. I keep reminding myself that he won't go to college soiling himself. And I keep reminding hubby that there is no point making this into a battle, because it's one we can't win. When and where he "goes", well that is one of the few things in his life over which the kid has any control. If we try to engage him in a battle, he will win. Though really, we'll all lose.
I'm pretty sure he's trying to get the attention he's accustomed to and missing. And even if what we're giving him is negative, it's still attention. So, for now he gets to wear diapers until he uses the toilet appropriately. He will clean himself up after an "accident", in the bathroom, by himself. We will use quiet, unemotional voices when discussing the issue. He will not watch TV (not that he did much anyway) until he has 2 days in a row of good bathroom choices. And, we will look for opportunities to praise him extra for appropriate behaviors/good choices. Surely it will work. He won't be 18 still doing this.........RIGHT??!!!!!!
Today's lesson - babies are absolutely much easier than 4 year olds. They're not as funny though. And they don't hug as tightly. Or sing really cute songs to you. Or tell you that you're a rock star of a mom. All human behavior has meaning behind it. The trick is to find the meaning...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Egocentrism
We spend the first 1-2 years of our children's lives proving to them that they are indeed the center of the world...then the rest of their lives trying to convince them that they are not. This hit me strongly last night as the kid and I were on a "momma date" with a friend and her kiddo. We were at Monkey Joe's (kid place with bouncy house things all over the place. It's actually really great and I didn't feel overwhelmed at any point. Which, after a traumatic visit to Chuck-E-Cheese last year, is saying a lot.) and the kid was having a big ole time. He climbed up into one of the bouncy-thingies (that's actually the technical name for them, just so you know), and found a little perch, where he could see and be seen by those below. And then he started to do what he does - be cute and attempt to get everyone's attention. He was waving and saying "hello", not being obnoxious or anything, just overly friendly. And no one, save me, was paying him any attention because they were all paying attention to their own (slightly less) adorable children. He started looking perplexed, though persisted for several minutes. Finally, it seemed to dawn on him that no one was going to respond. I was afraid his feelings were going to be hurt, but mostly he just seemed confused. He recovered quickly, as children do, and ran off to play.
But I mean, think about it. If, for your whole life you've believed 1 thing (that you will always get everyone's attention because you're adorable and articulate), to be presented with a conflicting piece of evidence is rather disconcerting. And for the kid, to see that baby E is now so much the center of attention, where the kid used to be all by himself, how confusing it must be.
And I wonder, how as parents do we support our kids through this change. Infants are the center of the world, right? They have to be in some ways because they are so very dependent on us for everything. Also, they are incapable of seeing outside of themselves because, well, that's just how they're wired. So, how, after a year or more (try 4.5yrs for the kid) of being the center, do we as parents help our kiddos realize that they are only a tiny part of the world? And, though they are often still the center of our little families, should they be? Is that best for them, is it even best for a marriage, to have children at the center of everything? Shouldn't our goal be to teach our children that they are no more/no less important than any other member of our family, any other person in our world?
While that may not be the pop culture view of a parent's job (which seems to be more like bestowing the "my kid is the best/smartest/most advanced/etc... in the world" mentality), I think it's where I lie. So, yes, I do think my kid is the cutest in the world. However, I totally realize that I am slightly biased and it is likely not reality that he is the cutest kid in the entire world, even though he is in my eyes.
And, I think it's important for him to know that he isn't the most/best. And that inversely means that he is not the least/worst at anything either. And no, I don't think my kid is mediocre. And yes, I do think he is capable of big things. Actually, I expect big things of him. I expect him to change the world. I just don't expect him to not make mistakes while doing it. It seems to me that when we'll teach our children that they are the center of the world, we set them up for failure. If I think I'm the best, then I can do no wrong. This leads to self-centeredness - not a trait I want my kid to develop. Or, I get so immobilized by fear of messing up, that I just don't even try - also not what I want for my kid.
So, all I know to do to help the kid come to terms with not being the center of the universe, is give him opportunities in his life to succeed, and allow him to fail. And be there throughout it all, letting him know that I love him whichever side he falls on, also that I expect him to care for others, not just himself. Sigh...if only it was that clear cut.
Today's lesson - apparently the baby not sleeping at night thing is the easy part of this whole parenting gig. Go figure.
But I mean, think about it. If, for your whole life you've believed 1 thing (that you will always get everyone's attention because you're adorable and articulate), to be presented with a conflicting piece of evidence is rather disconcerting. And for the kid, to see that baby E is now so much the center of attention, where the kid used to be all by himself, how confusing it must be.
And I wonder, how as parents do we support our kids through this change. Infants are the center of the world, right? They have to be in some ways because they are so very dependent on us for everything. Also, they are incapable of seeing outside of themselves because, well, that's just how they're wired. So, how, after a year or more (try 4.5yrs for the kid) of being the center, do we as parents help our kiddos realize that they are only a tiny part of the world? And, though they are often still the center of our little families, should they be? Is that best for them, is it even best for a marriage, to have children at the center of everything? Shouldn't our goal be to teach our children that they are no more/no less important than any other member of our family, any other person in our world?
While that may not be the pop culture view of a parent's job (which seems to be more like bestowing the "my kid is the best/smartest/most advanced/etc... in the world" mentality), I think it's where I lie. So, yes, I do think my kid is the cutest in the world. However, I totally realize that I am slightly biased and it is likely not reality that he is the cutest kid in the entire world, even though he is in my eyes.
And, I think it's important for him to know that he isn't the most/best. And that inversely means that he is not the least/worst at anything either. And no, I don't think my kid is mediocre. And yes, I do think he is capable of big things. Actually, I expect big things of him. I expect him to change the world. I just don't expect him to not make mistakes while doing it. It seems to me that when we'll teach our children that they are the center of the world, we set them up for failure. If I think I'm the best, then I can do no wrong. This leads to self-centeredness - not a trait I want my kid to develop. Or, I get so immobilized by fear of messing up, that I just don't even try - also not what I want for my kid.
So, all I know to do to help the kid come to terms with not being the center of the universe, is give him opportunities in his life to succeed, and allow him to fail. And be there throughout it all, letting him know that I love him whichever side he falls on, also that I expect him to care for others, not just himself. Sigh...if only it was that clear cut.
Today's lesson - apparently the baby not sleeping at night thing is the easy part of this whole parenting gig. Go figure.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Oh, Sleep...
I love sleep. Love it. Before the kid was born, I would get 9-10 hours a night. We lived 2.4 miles from my work, and I would sleep til 7:15, or even 7:30 and still make it in by 8. On the weekends, I would sleep in til 11, 12, heck, I'd sleep til hubby came in and told me to get up. Sometimes on the weekends, I'd get 12 or 13 hours of sleep a night. It was wonderful.
Hubby, on the other hand, has always been an early bird, up as soon as the sun, sometimes even earlier. He'd have half a day in before I ever rolled out of bed. And then he'd be in bed an hour or more before I even thought about it. We used to joke all the time about how awful it was going to be for me when our baby finally arrived and I would no longer get my required 9 hours. But hubby, of course, would be fine, because he was already flourishing on 6-7 hours/night. Someone even suggested that I shouldn't nurse our children, because obviously that would even further cut down on my sleep, which I surely couldn't handle.
So, imagine our surprise when the kid arrived and hubby became a grouchy man, while I only yawned more and exercised less because of my tiredness; my mood was hardly affected. But then, as tends to happen, as the kid got older and we all got more sleep, amnesia about how the lack of sleep affected us set in (though my exercising never returned - go figure). Until, that is, baby E arrived, along with a yawning momma and a very cranky poppa. Something had to be done.
What we had been doing was hubby would get up when baby E woke up, change him, and get him ready for me to nurse. He would go back to sleep after that, while I was nursing, though I would wake him back up after a little while if baby E wouldn't go to sleep. However, what ended up happening was that the kid was getting the cranky end of the poppa stick. And then me getting cranky, because the poor kid was getting a raw deal. And then hubby getting crankier because I was being cranky with him. Yeah, like I said, something had to be done.
So, I started just getting baby E back to sleep on my own, which has resulted in me getting even less sleep though hubby getting more and thankfully being generally less crabby. Now, my getting less sleep is not that big of a deal right now, but I am scared about what will happen when I return to work in a couple of weeks - how am I, when I can no longer nap, going to function on what ends up being about 4-5 hours a sleep/night (and no, it's not 4-5 hours in a row - that would probably be okay)?? How am I going to be able to sit with people and hear horrible things that have happened to them without either falling apart myself, or just continually yawning... Oh, y'all, I'm afraid it's not going to go well. (Side Note - baby E just started making the most pitiful noises in his sleep. He doesn't want me to go back to work either!)
So, now that I totally understand why my mom was always in bed at 10pm (since that's now late for us!), I need to figure out some way to get enough sleep to be able to function. If you have any suggestions, I'm open to them...
Today's lesson - pacifiers are a little bit awesome. There. I said it.
Hubby, on the other hand, has always been an early bird, up as soon as the sun, sometimes even earlier. He'd have half a day in before I ever rolled out of bed. And then he'd be in bed an hour or more before I even thought about it. We used to joke all the time about how awful it was going to be for me when our baby finally arrived and I would no longer get my required 9 hours. But hubby, of course, would be fine, because he was already flourishing on 6-7 hours/night. Someone even suggested that I shouldn't nurse our children, because obviously that would even further cut down on my sleep, which I surely couldn't handle.
So, imagine our surprise when the kid arrived and hubby became a grouchy man, while I only yawned more and exercised less because of my tiredness; my mood was hardly affected. But then, as tends to happen, as the kid got older and we all got more sleep, amnesia about how the lack of sleep affected us set in (though my exercising never returned - go figure). Until, that is, baby E arrived, along with a yawning momma and a very cranky poppa. Something had to be done.
What we had been doing was hubby would get up when baby E woke up, change him, and get him ready for me to nurse. He would go back to sleep after that, while I was nursing, though I would wake him back up after a little while if baby E wouldn't go to sleep. However, what ended up happening was that the kid was getting the cranky end of the poppa stick. And then me getting cranky, because the poor kid was getting a raw deal. And then hubby getting crankier because I was being cranky with him. Yeah, like I said, something had to be done.
So, I started just getting baby E back to sleep on my own, which has resulted in me getting even less sleep though hubby getting more and thankfully being generally less crabby. Now, my getting less sleep is not that big of a deal right now, but I am scared about what will happen when I return to work in a couple of weeks - how am I, when I can no longer nap, going to function on what ends up being about 4-5 hours a sleep/night (and no, it's not 4-5 hours in a row - that would probably be okay)?? How am I going to be able to sit with people and hear horrible things that have happened to them without either falling apart myself, or just continually yawning... Oh, y'all, I'm afraid it's not going to go well. (Side Note - baby E just started making the most pitiful noises in his sleep. He doesn't want me to go back to work either!)
So, now that I totally understand why my mom was always in bed at 10pm (since that's now late for us!), I need to figure out some way to get enough sleep to be able to function. If you have any suggestions, I'm open to them...
Today's lesson - pacifiers are a little bit awesome. There. I said it.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Bottle Incident
It was inevitable. Well, if I was able to stay home full-time, it wouldn't have been, but since I do have to go to work (a post for another day) it had to happen. Baby E eventually had to get a bottle. I've been putting it off as long as I could. Hubby has been saying to everyone "I haven't even gotten to feed him yet!", though he seems to have known better than to ask me.
With the kid, he always had bottles along with nursing and I feel like that was part of what made me eventually give up when he was 5-6 months old (that and the biting he did - but by that time we were only nursing a couple times a day and sometimes not even that). I have been determined for almost 2 years now that this child would be breastfed, and with much more success and longevity than the kid was. I figure I've nursed baby E somewhere around 500 times (he's 51 days old, approximately 10 feedings/day). He did have bottles in the hospital when I wasn't there, but he hasn't had one since he came home; neither hubby nor I have ever given him one.
I think because I have put so much time, effort, and even money into making breastfeeding this kiddo successful, I've been even more hesitant to do anything that might mess it up. Even though I knew the likelihood of me ever having enough milk to provide even half of what he would need was low, I became rather emotionally attached to the idea that I would be able to give him at least quite a bit of what he needs. So, part of my hesitation (let's be honest, it was more like complete opposition) to baby E having a bottle was that I would have to pump, and come face-to-face with how much milk I was producing. I was afraid that it would be much of anything.
Another thing that was holding me back, was I was afraid that he wouldn't take it. I mean, he kinda hated the pacifier (though grudgingly will take it now, for a few minutes at least - well, he'll take it from someone other than me). Okay, brutal honesty? I was afraid he would take the damn bottle, love it, and never want to nurse again. There. That's it. That was my deepest fear. I was afraid of losing the one thing that only I can do for him. Yeah, yeah. I know. That's not really the case, but it's what my fear has been.
So, what did happen? I knew we needed to do this because I am going back to work in a couple of weeks, and he's gonna have to take the evil bottle from someone. I decided in my head that it would have to happen this weekend. I put it off til today, the end of the weekend, the last possible moment. I finally told hubby that it was time. He looked all gleeful and stuff. I, on the other hand, was near tears. I made the bottle, handed it to hubby, and watched as hubby and the kid gave baby E his first bottle. And baby E, that little traitor, did just what I had been most afraid he'd do - he took it like it was the best thing he'd ever met. And I went off to my bedroom to pump. And to cry.
So, it's not the end of world. Yes, I know. And baby E has nursed successfully several times since the bottle incident. But, I am still sad about it. Really, I wanted him to hate that stupid bottle. I wanted him to scream and throw a big ole fit until I came and nursed him, when he'd just settle right down and sigh with contentment. Life, parenthood, neither ever goes quite as planned. While my head knows that this was good - it's good that baby E will take a bottle, my feelings are a little hurt.
Today's lesson - it's really hard when your baby starts to grow up. And, yes. Baby E taking a bottle is totally him starting to grow up. (insert pouty face here)
With the kid, he always had bottles along with nursing and I feel like that was part of what made me eventually give up when he was 5-6 months old (that and the biting he did - but by that time we were only nursing a couple times a day and sometimes not even that). I have been determined for almost 2 years now that this child would be breastfed, and with much more success and longevity than the kid was. I figure I've nursed baby E somewhere around 500 times (he's 51 days old, approximately 10 feedings/day). He did have bottles in the hospital when I wasn't there, but he hasn't had one since he came home; neither hubby nor I have ever given him one.
I think because I have put so much time, effort, and even money into making breastfeeding this kiddo successful, I've been even more hesitant to do anything that might mess it up. Even though I knew the likelihood of me ever having enough milk to provide even half of what he would need was low, I became rather emotionally attached to the idea that I would be able to give him at least quite a bit of what he needs. So, part of my hesitation (let's be honest, it was more like complete opposition) to baby E having a bottle was that I would have to pump, and come face-to-face with how much milk I was producing. I was afraid that it would be much of anything.
Another thing that was holding me back, was I was afraid that he wouldn't take it. I mean, he kinda hated the pacifier (though grudgingly will take it now, for a few minutes at least - well, he'll take it from someone other than me). Okay, brutal honesty? I was afraid he would take the damn bottle, love it, and never want to nurse again. There. That's it. That was my deepest fear. I was afraid of losing the one thing that only I can do for him. Yeah, yeah. I know. That's not really the case, but it's what my fear has been.
So, what did happen? I knew we needed to do this because I am going back to work in a couple of weeks, and he's gonna have to take the evil bottle from someone. I decided in my head that it would have to happen this weekend. I put it off til today, the end of the weekend, the last possible moment. I finally told hubby that it was time. He looked all gleeful and stuff. I, on the other hand, was near tears. I made the bottle, handed it to hubby, and watched as hubby and the kid gave baby E his first bottle. And baby E, that little traitor, did just what I had been most afraid he'd do - he took it like it was the best thing he'd ever met. And I went off to my bedroom to pump. And to cry.
So, it's not the end of world. Yes, I know. And baby E has nursed successfully several times since the bottle incident. But, I am still sad about it. Really, I wanted him to hate that stupid bottle. I wanted him to scream and throw a big ole fit until I came and nursed him, when he'd just settle right down and sigh with contentment. Life, parenthood, neither ever goes quite as planned. While my head knows that this was good - it's good that baby E will take a bottle, my feelings are a little hurt.
Today's lesson - it's really hard when your baby starts to grow up. And, yes. Baby E taking a bottle is totally him starting to grow up. (insert pouty face here)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The adoption triad
After my last post, someone commented that, like all relationships, the ones in an open adoption take work and effort and time. I was like, "well, yeah. I know this". It seems obvious, right? And I'm a social worker - I deal with relationships all the time; relationships are kind of the basis of the work I do. But then it hit me that there's a relationship I totally neglected to consider.
As an essentially selfish creature, I'm surprised to find that I never stopped to think about how an open adoption relationship would affect us - hubby and me, and how it would affect me personally. In so wanting an open adoption, I considered how it would be beneficial for our child, and for the birth family. I wanted our children to have access to their birth families, to get answers to those questions, answers we'd have no way of knowing. I wanted my children to know where they come from, to know who they look like. I wanted the birth family to have some peace about their decision. I wanted them to be able to see that their child is loved, healthy, happy. I thought about the relationship as being between those two factions of the adoption triad. I saw hubby and I as only facilitators of that exchange. I forgot to consider how it would affect us, how we would be directly involved ourselves, how we would feel.
So, that, I think, is the reason I am struggling with how things are between us and R - because I never even thought that there really would be an "us and R". Stupid, right? Not to have realized that before. Because it's so awkward, and we feel so territorial right now, I think we're trying to keep it about R and baby E, when what we really want - a long term relationship with all of us, has to come from hubby and me building a relationship with R, not just facilitating a relationship between her and baby E. By keeping conversations about just baby E, we're further focusing the relationship on the two of them, instead on all of us. What we really need to do is get to know R, and let her get to know us, in ways that have nothing (or at least less) to do with baby E. What can I say? Sometimes I really do miss rather obvious details. It's a character flaw, I suppose.
Today's lesson - sometimes we all miss the forest for the trees. Sometimes, though, we also miss the individual trees for the forest. It's about finding a balance between the two, which is, of course, easier said than done.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
TPR petition
What I haven't posted here, but have on FB, is that R signed the TPR petition last week, and, I assume, D (birthdad) did this week. And what I can't figure out is why I haven't been shouting it everywhere and to everyone. We had a visit with R on Friday and it was fine, it was good. At the end of the visit, I told her I had a stack of pictures for her, but just needed to write on them (who they were, where we were, etc...). But then she said she would bring a camera next week to leave for us to take additional pictures. I instantly bristled. I mean, I just told her I have a bunch for her. And, heck, I hardly use our camera throughout the day because I'm too busy holding baby E and thus don't have a free hand. I, well, I just don't get why she asked, but mostly I just don't get my reaction.
I was talking with my dear friend, M, a couple of weeks ago, processing my reactions to some of the things R says (like when she refers to baby E as "my little man". I told her that I knew once the TPR was done I wouldn't care what R said about baby E. M told me that it would still bother me, and I blew her off, thinking, "there's no way". M and her husband have a son, who was also adopted, and they have an open and ongoing relationship with the birthmom. Now, I must confess, I've often wondered at M's reactions to the things the birthmom says, thinking M was overreacting. I thought, "what difference does it make what she says, he's your son; he calls you mommy, not her. Let her say whatever she needs to to deal with it".
Oh, but do I get it now. My experience with the kid's birth family was so very different. I can see now that they completely detached, insofar as they stopped thinking of the kid as their child. I just assumed that was what happened to everyone. And maybe it will sometime in the future, but it's not where R is right now. She still very much considers E her baby. However, I do believe she also seems him as ours. This open adoption stuff is more complicated than I expected, more complicated than what we're used to.
So, to my dear friend M, I am so sorry for judging you. I am sorry for doubting you, for thinking I could do better. I now know how conflicting it is, how gut wrenching it is to feel that someone else is claiming your child as her own. I think it's another infertility cross we bear.
So, today's lesson is not one I can claim authorship to - never judge another until you walk a mile in her shoes.
I was talking with my dear friend, M, a couple of weeks ago, processing my reactions to some of the things R says (like when she refers to baby E as "my little man". I told her that I knew once the TPR was done I wouldn't care what R said about baby E. M told me that it would still bother me, and I blew her off, thinking, "there's no way". M and her husband have a son, who was also adopted, and they have an open and ongoing relationship with the birthmom. Now, I must confess, I've often wondered at M's reactions to the things the birthmom says, thinking M was overreacting. I thought, "what difference does it make what she says, he's your son; he calls you mommy, not her. Let her say whatever she needs to to deal with it".
Oh, but do I get it now. My experience with the kid's birth family was so very different. I can see now that they completely detached, insofar as they stopped thinking of the kid as their child. I just assumed that was what happened to everyone. And maybe it will sometime in the future, but it's not where R is right now. She still very much considers E her baby. However, I do believe she also seems him as ours. This open adoption stuff is more complicated than I expected, more complicated than what we're used to.
So, to my dear friend M, I am so sorry for judging you. I am sorry for doubting you, for thinking I could do better. I now know how conflicting it is, how gut wrenching it is to feel that someone else is claiming your child as her own. I think it's another infertility cross we bear.
So, today's lesson is not one I can claim authorship to - never judge another until you walk a mile in her shoes.
Friday, November 5, 2010
A Moment
I was sitting staring into baby E's eyes. We were having a moment. I was thinking, "I wonder who he will be? Who will he be in and of himself? Who will he be in our family? Who will he be in our world?". And then I thought, "What will he do to ease the suffering of others? How will he be a light and example to others? And what does he need from me to be able to do all that he is capable of doing?".
And then the most amazing thing happened. He got this really serious look in his eyes, opened them big, eyebrows way up high, arms and legs started flailing. And then he screamed "FEED ME!!!!!!!!!!!". Now, obviously he didn't actually say those words, but the meaning was fully obvious. And then I smelled a most identifiable odor. That's right. There I was having a moment, and all he was doing was being a baby - needing to be fed, and pooping, doing just what he was supposed to do.
It was such a good reminder for me. Instead of wondering and worrying about the unknown future, what I really needed to be doing - what baby E really needed from me - was to be here, in the present, giving him the things that I can easily do. So then I had another moment. I thought, "Wow, this is all he needs from me right now. Sometimes it feels overwhelming (like 4am when we've been up all night every 2 hours nursing), but I can totally do it. And all those other things he's going to need from me in the future, to become who he's supposed to be, those I can do, too. In this moment, all of those things feel completely overwhelming, but in the moment he needs them, I will be given the grace to do what he needs".
So, today's lesson is simple. Live in the moment. Do what needs to be done now. All that stuff in the future, you will have what you need then to accomplish it. And now, I hear him cooing. So what he needs from me right now is to smile and coo back. That, I could do all day!
And then the most amazing thing happened. He got this really serious look in his eyes, opened them big, eyebrows way up high, arms and legs started flailing. And then he screamed "FEED ME!!!!!!!!!!!". Now, obviously he didn't actually say those words, but the meaning was fully obvious. And then I smelled a most identifiable odor. That's right. There I was having a moment, and all he was doing was being a baby - needing to be fed, and pooping, doing just what he was supposed to do.
It was such a good reminder for me. Instead of wondering and worrying about the unknown future, what I really needed to be doing - what baby E really needed from me - was to be here, in the present, giving him the things that I can easily do. So then I had another moment. I thought, "Wow, this is all he needs from me right now. Sometimes it feels overwhelming (like 4am when we've been up all night every 2 hours nursing), but I can totally do it. And all those other things he's going to need from me in the future, to become who he's supposed to be, those I can do, too. In this moment, all of those things feel completely overwhelming, but in the moment he needs them, I will be given the grace to do what he needs".
So, today's lesson is simple. Live in the moment. Do what needs to be done now. All that stuff in the future, you will have what you need then to accomplish it. And now, I hear him cooing. So what he needs from me right now is to smile and coo back. That, I could do all day!
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