Sunday, November 28, 2010

I hate Wednesday

You know how sometime you have tons to say, but you just can't. We've had visits with social workers, visits with R, baby E's baptism, family visiting, stuff with the kid, and more. But I just can't seem to figure out how to write about it. I could just blame it on being busy with all of the above, in addition to school stuff, but I don't know that that would really be the reason. Part of it is some frustrating situations that have occurred regarding baby E and the adoption process, but I can't really write about on here. I wish I could because I think it would help me process and deal, but it's just not an option right now. Which sucks.

Alot of my writer's block (if you will) is that I'm going back to work this week and I simply can't deal with it. Hubby keeps asking me why this is so difficult for me and I don't think there's just one reason. Here are a few... First, we waited for baby E for 2 years and it seems so wrong to me to go back to work when I'm just starting to get to know him, when he's starting to get to know me. Then there's the whole breastfeeding thing. I've spent so much time, energy, money, etc... (as I've previously discussed) preparing for it, I'm terrified that once I go back to work, it'll all fall apart. And he's still really inconsistent with his sleep. 2 nights ago I got 7 hours of sleep - woohoo!!!!!! Then last night he was up at least every 2 hours. We follow the same routine, he just doesn't. And I know that my dear friend who will be caring for him is going to love him and take splendid care of him. And I know that he's probably going to be fine and millions of kids survive just fine while their mommas work outside the home.

And, yes. It's possible that all these fears are completely unfounded and inconsequential and ridiculous. So here's the last reason - I just don't want to leave him. I'm not ready. There's nothing I want more right now than to sit at home, cuddling baby E, playing with the kid, spending time with hubby, simply focusing on my family. For some reason, I have been feeling like I have to justify that. But screw it. I don't have to. There's nothing wrong with that being the whole reason I want to stay home - because I just do. I want to focus on being a mommy and wife right now. What better reason could there be??!!

But I can't. We have bills to pay and health insurance to have covered and I can't responsibly leave my employer completely in the lurch right now. And that's why I'm cranky and really tearful today. Because Wednesday I go back to work. Fortunately, my boss has been very generous and is allowing me to take baby E with me for a half day of Wednesday, then only work a long-ish half day Thursday, before going back for a full day on Friday. And I leave my baby for the first time. Up til now the longest I've left him has been for 2.5 hours. And Friday I have to leave him for 8 hours. I'm going to miss 8 hours of cuddling and smiles and giggles. About 3-4 nursing sessions. About 4 diaper changes (which I enjoy because he's usually smiling and happy). 8 hours away from my baby. More than three times the amount of time I've left him up until now. And it just sucks. And please don't say that it had to happen eventually because I obviously realize that. All I'm saying is that I'm just not ready for it to happen yet.

Today's lesson - sigh... But on the bright side - baby E apparently likes dresses! When the kid was baptised, he screamed from the moment we put the baptismal gown on him, til we took it off. Baby E smiled and was very content. Also, he might look cute in a tutu that I made for my niece. And he makes a pretty girl ;)


Amanda said...


Being a parent is matter how you slice're doing great.

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