Tuesday, December 21, 2010

There's nothing quite like baby love

I was nursing baby E a bit ago and teared up. He's been rather pitiful today since getting his first shots which has resulted in him taking forever to nurse. Sometimes this would drive me crazy (i.e. 3am), today though, I'm loving it. I sat here and realized something... I adore this baby. Like totally head over heels, heart bursting open love this little fellow. It's interesting because though I love the kid with my whole being, he's a lot of work. You know, the dealing with backtalk, running around like an insane asylum escapee, etc... kind of stuff. Baby E, on the other hand, just is. He's happy as long as he's being held. He demands so little, and his demands are easy to determine. The kid, well, he's just a lot more complicated, and it's often harder to meet his needs.

For example, if baby E is hungry, he sucks his tongue, or fusses a little and we feed him. End of story. Happy, content little being. The kid gets cranky, and falls apart, that's the way we know he's hungry, as he's often engaged in something more interesting and is overly hungry before he probably even realizes it much less lets us know. And there's generally a lot of fussing, and telling him what to do - and what not to do, and crankiness in general before he finally eats. And eating doesn't always mean he is happy afterwards. I know, I know. There's a whole blood sugar component. But, the point of it all is, he's just a bit more complicated.

So, though I love that kiddo with all that I am, for right now, baby E is just easier to be in love with. And, truth be told, I really feel guilty about it. I feel sometimes like I'm neglecting the kid, and poor hubby, because I am so wrapped up in a little cocoon of a world with baby E. And, I am embarrassed to admit, I kind of like it, the "us-ness" of my little world with baby E and though I know I need to open it up to the rest of my little family, I am feeling selfish and don't want to. But it's happening anyway, even without my "allowing" it.

Baby E started laughing tonight (well, he's laughed a few times in his sleep, but this was the first time he was awake, saw something and laughed in direct response). And the little stinker, did he laugh at me? NO!!!!! Hubby called me in to see/hear the most adorable spectacle. I teared up it was so dear. And probably also a little because he had the nerve to laugh at hubby for the first time instead of me. I tried to get baby E to laugh at me by doing the same thing hubby was doing and baby E just looked at me like I was infringing on his time with his Poppa. It kinda hurt my feelings a little.

I know it's good. It's what's in the best interest of all of us. But it makes me a little sad. I'm glad to see the relationship growing so strongly between hubby and baby E, but I'm a little jealous. I think it's time, though, for me to come out of the cocoon, and rejoin the rest of my family. It's bigger by 1 person now, and probably even more chaotic. I hope I'm ready...

Today's lesson - in case you're not aware, Christmas is in 4 short days. I hope you're ready. I am...not. At all. Crap.

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