There are so many things that IF brings to our life. There have been blessings (I mean, really, my boys wouldn't be mine with IF). There has been grief. There have been many things, both expected and unexpected.
One of these unexpected things hit me today, yes, years after I realized IF was part of my daily reality. This past weekend, some very dear friends announced their pregnancy. They've known for a couple of weeks (and, to be honest, I've suspected for a couple of weeks and didn't want to pry) but hadn't told anyone until this weekend. I am beyond thrilled for them for several reasons. I know what wonderful parents they are going to be. But, also because IF was part of their journey.
After we left their house, hubby asked me how I was feeling. I assured him I was fine, and am so very happy for them. But, as I've sat with it, I realized I feel a tad bit jealous about something. And, unexpectedly, it's not what you'd think. I don't envy the pregnancy itself. Truthfully, I am beyond happy for them.
Here's the thing - I've been thinking about their last two weeks. Now, I know the last couple of weeks have not been stress-free for them - they alluded to fears of miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that on anyone - myself or my sweet friends. But I've realized I envy their last couple of weeks, just the same.
It's just that the last few weeks they've had this secret, just them-ness. This sacred time of holding that little secret between just the two of them - such a unique time. It's a time where their world was completely theirs. The knowledge that two were becoming three. And no one but them knew it.
IF stole that special time from us. Sure, when we decided to pursue adoption, there was a time when only hubby and I knew. But that was such a stressful time. We were still heavily grieving the realization that pregnancy would likely not be our path to parenthood. Rationally, I know it seems such a small thing. But what they've had is yet another thing that IF stole from me, from hubby, from us.
And, yes, I get that this "special time" is probably something I've made up completely in my head. And yet I still can't help but envy them it.
Today's Lesson: There has been a lot of talk on the internets of late regarding the belief that becoming a mother "cures" the pain, insecurities, and general suckiness of IF. But here the thing. It isn't the job of our children - however they come to us - to fix us. Also the act of finally becoming parents doesn't negate our previous experiences. I've been a mother for 6.5yrs. IF still sucks.