There are so many things that IF brings to our life. There have been blessings (I mean, really, my boys wouldn't be mine with IF). There has been grief. There have been many things, both expected and unexpected.
One of these unexpected things hit me today, yes, years after I realized IF was part of my daily reality. This past weekend, some very dear friends announced their pregnancy. They've known for a couple of weeks (and, to be honest, I've suspected for a couple of weeks and didn't want to pry) but hadn't told anyone until this weekend. I am beyond thrilled for them for several reasons. I know what wonderful parents they are going to be. But, also because IF was part of their journey.
After we left their house, hubby asked me how I was feeling. I assured him I was fine, and am so very happy for them. But, as I've sat with it, I realized I feel a tad bit jealous about something. And, unexpectedly, it's not what you'd think. I don't envy the pregnancy itself. Truthfully, I am beyond happy for them.
Here's the thing - I've been thinking about their last two weeks. Now, I know the last couple of weeks have not been stress-free for them - they alluded to fears of miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that on anyone - myself or my sweet friends. But I've realized I envy their last couple of weeks, just the same.
It's just that the last few weeks they've had this secret, just them-ness. This sacred time of holding that little secret between just the two of them - such a unique time. It's a time where their world was completely theirs. The knowledge that two were becoming three. And no one but them knew it.
IF stole that special time from us. Sure, when we decided to pursue adoption, there was a time when only hubby and I knew. But that was such a stressful time. We were still heavily grieving the realization that pregnancy would likely not be our path to parenthood. Rationally, I know it seems such a small thing. But what they've had is yet another thing that IF stole from me, from hubby, from us.
And, yes, I get that this "special time" is probably something I've made up completely in my head. And yet I still can't help but envy them it.
Today's Lesson: There has been a lot of talk on the internets of late regarding the belief that becoming a mother "cures" the pain, insecurities, and general suckiness of IF. But here the thing. It isn't the job of our children - however they come to us - to fix us. Also the act of finally becoming parents doesn't negate our previous experiences. I've been a mother for 6.5yrs. IF still sucks.
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When my Hubs and I started the discussion and research into adoption (we have since decided to pursue surrogacy first) Hubs asked me if I thought having a child would 'fix' how I feel about myself, my IF, the fact I feel 'less of a woman'. I said no. It may take away things that hurt me but that will never, ever go away; I will always look in the mirror or look at my abdomen and think 'I am missing the major part of being a woman, what does that make me?' I am not sure he will ever get that. IF sucks indeed!
You are so right. No matter how our children came to us it doesn't take away all the loss before that. IF is now and always will be a part of me just as my son is now and will always be a part of me. They may be linked together but they are two very different parts of my life and one does not change the magnitude of the other.
Hi from ICLW!
You're so right - it's not, well, anybody's responsibility to fix us. Right on, mama.
Whenever I think about it I'm genuinely pissed off about the things IF stole - my big pregnancy-related one is that I'll never be able to surprise my husband, I'll never find out I'm pregnant and instantly feel secure and excited (thank you, chemical pregnancy!)
Hi from ICLW! I just have to say your profile pic of your family - so cute! Some days I think I am okay with the fact that I'll never get pregnant or have a baby that is a little of me & a little of my hubby - ha! I don't think I'll ever be 100% okay with it. I am hoping that the passing of time, and when we adopt, will help ease some of the pain, though.
Amen!!! No matter what, IF still sucks.
I know that when (if?) we finally have a child (whatever what it happens) these feelings of IF will live on strongly. Because it changes everything. And it's traumatic. And it's painful. And it takes things away from us. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry for all it has taken from you and your husband. You might be stronger for it, but that doesn't make it "okay." Just know I am grateful for stories like yours that give me hope <3
I can tell you, that even becoming pregnant and becoming a mother have not eased the pain of IF. Like you I don't love my children more or less because of IF, but, I do find myself being a little jealous of couples who easily conceive or conceive by surprise. Sometimes I even find myself jealous of those pregnant who also struggled with IF. IF sucks and the pain fades a good bit with the busy-ness of children, but, never goes away.
I can tell you, that even becoming pregnant and becoming a mother have not eased the pain of IF. Like you I don't love my children more or less because of IF, but, I do find myself being a little jealous of couples who easily conceive or conceive by surprise. Sometimes I even find myself jealous of those pregnant who also struggled with IF. IF sucks and the pain fades a good bit with the busy-ness of children, but, never goes away.
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