The Cubicle Chronicles

So, if we're FB friends, you've already been fortunate (questionable) enough to see some of the fun (also questionable) things I've gotten to experience in the last 6 months since I became lucky (just flat out being sarcastic on this one) enough to move into a cubicle. And several of you, much to my confusion, have requested a blog post detailing the fun it has afforded me. So, for you people, here it is.

Let me say, I've shared an office with people before (2 or 3 max). But that seems to be a different environment for what I suspect is a couple of reasons. First, in those experiences, it's been a small office where all the desks are not just in full view of each other, they've been facing each other. The cubicles seem to cause some kind of verbal inhibition. Second, before we were pretty much all professional people. And, really, that seems to make a difference. I mean, I did have one co-worker who liked to burp, frequently, and loudly like a man (yes, Elvis, I did just call you out, lovely lady). But, otherwise, I've pretty much experienced nothing like the last 6 months.

There's the manager who yells like all the time with the door wide open. I can't actually impress upon you how thankful I am to not be under her rule (technically, at least). Funny enough, I really do like her, though.

There are the performance evaluations and disciplinary actions discussed while sitting in another cubicle in full volume voice. I really don't understand how this is appropriate.

There is the lady who listens to music really loud. It's often "Jesus music" (I'm just not a fan - of the music that is; I love Jesus himself of course), and she tends to leave it on whether or not she's actually in her office. I find it seriously distracting. And, let's be honest, I don't need any help in the distraction arena.

But these pale in comparison to some of the conversations/comments I have been forced to overhear. Here are a few (most of them are from the same person)...

"It's hump day. And you know what that means. I'm gonna get my humpin' on."

Said while on the phone with a patient, "well, if you gonna be a damn asshole about it, then I ain't gonna talk to you neither. Goodbye." and slammed down the phone.

"I don't know what they're talkin' about with smoking while you're pregnant being a problem. I smoked it up and both my kids was 6lbs and that's a good size".

"No, look, my toes are the nastiest. 'Cause I'm black, they're even more crusty and cracked. And my toenails is yellow, too. But mostly the stink comin' off of 'em is killer. See? Look at 'em. Now!" . And then she proceeded to walk around without shoes on.

"I don't understand what the problem is with people. I mean, I smoke 'em up all the time and it ain't a problem. So what if I miss a few days [of work] or don't wanna eat nothin' but chips. I mean I don't understand peoples' problem." Which led me to believe that the above comment was more in reference to her smoking pot while she was pregnant with her children, not cigarettes. But who knows.

(sung to the tune of "I Like Big Butts", or at least I think that's what it was) "Iiiiiiiiii, like to have sex when I'm high, yes I do". And then I couldn't really understand her words any more after that, but it reinforced my idea that probably she was referring to pot, not cigarettes. Also, led to wondering if perhaps she's high at work, too. 'Cause that would explain a few things.

This was followed by a diatribe about how her kids are disrespectful and irresponsible.

And then this same woman started talking about how offensive it is when people talk about inappropriate things at work. It makes a girl wonder about what she considers inappropriate...


Today's Lesson: Honestly, people. There is such as thing as being too comfortable at work. In general, if you wouldn't discuss it at church, like with your priest, pastor, etc..., it's probably not appropriate for work. Also, please keep your shoes on at work. Or get a pedicure.

Shaving Cream

The kid's been so busy the last couple of weeks (Vacation Bible School, and art camp, and Paleontology camp), that hubby hasn't done any of my lovingly and time consumingly put together Pin.terest activities. Until this week. The kid, this week, is going to a grief camp for kids who have lost a loved one. But this camp is only 2 half days (and another half day on Saturday for the whole family). This, then, has left lots of free time. For things like this...

I mean, really, who knew a can of shaving cream and some food coloring could be so wonderfully enjoyable for two boys?!

Today's Lesson: Give your kid shaving cream. And food coloring. Then hose them off. Then throw (not literally) them in the pool. It will be like their best day ever.

The Things IF Takes from Us

There are so many things that IF brings to our life. There have been blessings (I mean, really, my boys wouldn't be mine with IF). There has been grief. There have been many things, both expected and unexpected.

One of these unexpected things hit me today, yes, years after I realized IF was part of my daily reality. This past weekend, some very dear friends announced their pregnancy. They've known for a couple of weeks (and, to be honest, I've suspected for a couple of weeks and didn't want to pry) but hadn't told anyone until this weekend. I am beyond thrilled for them for several reasons. I know what wonderful parents they are going to be. But, also because IF was part of their journey.

After we left their house, hubby asked me how I was feeling. I assured him I was fine, and am so very happy for them. But, as I've sat with it, I realized I feel a tad bit jealous about something. And, unexpectedly, it's not what you'd think. I don't envy the pregnancy itself. Truthfully, I am beyond happy for them.

Here's the thing - I've been thinking about their last two weeks. Now, I know the last couple of weeks have not been stress-free for them - they alluded to fears of miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that on anyone - myself or my sweet friends. But I've realized I envy their last couple of weeks, just the same.

It's just that the last few weeks they've had this secret, just them-ness. This sacred time of holding that little secret between just the two of them - such a unique time. It's a time where their world was completely theirs. The knowledge that two were becoming three. And no one but them knew it.

IF stole that special time from us. Sure, when we decided to pursue adoption, there was a time when only hubby and I knew. But that was such a stressful time. We were still heavily grieving the realization that pregnancy would likely not be our path to parenthood. Rationally, I know it seems such a small thing. But what they've had is yet another thing that IF stole from me, from hubby, from us.

And, yes, I get that this "special time" is probably something I've made up completely in my head. And yet I still can't help but envy them it.


Today's Lesson: There has been a lot of talk on the internets of late regarding the belief that becoming a mother "cures" the pain, insecurities, and general suckiness of IF. But here the thing. It isn't the job of our children - however they come to us - to fix us. Also the act of finally becoming parents doesn't negate our previous experiences. I've been a mother for 6.5yrs. IF still sucks.

E's 2nd birthday Planning

My dear friend JE, you know, the one who has created all these fabulous cakes for my boys (well, this was just one of them)? She recently reminded me that it's time to start thinking about planning E's 2nd birthday. First, I need to take a moment to digest that. I mean, really? My baby will be 2 in two months! How can this be???!!!! (lament, gnash teeth, wail, whine, lament some more)

Okay, onward. So, I found this ah-mazing site. Well, let me rephrase. JE sent me a link to this ah-mazing site with like hundreds (or more) birthday party themes. I mean, this site is crazy awesome. If a bit overwhelming. I've browsed through tons of themes.

And I think I've decided on Brown Bear, Brown Bear. The reason is it's baby E's favorite book right now. The only thing that's keeping me from deciding for sure is that last year we did the Hungry Caterpillar. And, you know, they're both Eric Carle books. I wouldn't want to be redundant or anything.

E does like "dine-uh-doors" but I'm not loving any of the ideas for dino-themed birthdays I'm finding. The kid loved all things tractor and farm related at that age, but baby E's not so interested. Mostly he lives climbing, and getting in to everything. But I think we're not quite ready for a gymnastics place party for him. He also loves cleaning, but I'm not thinking I can come up with a theme that any of the other kids would go for, lol.

So, I'm asking, what are some birthday themes you've done, seen, loved for your kids? Now, I need boys or gender-neutral ones here. Because, just like with clothes, it seems like birthday party themes are easier to come by for girls than boys. At least the cute ones any way.


Today's Lesson: In a house of boys, it only stands to reason that some of your toddler's first sentences would be "Toot, me", "Nonah ou-side poop", and "Momma peepee".

Little Moments

I was in college. It was my Freshman year, my first finals week. A beautiful day. And I was just walking across campus. I noticed a girl, another student, sitting on bench, hunched over. I could only see the sides of her face. Her eyes, nose, mouth were covered by her hands. Her elbows were on her knees. Her shoulders were shaking. These huge sobs were emanating from her body. She was obviously beyond upset about something.

I watched her as a walked closer, debating what to do. Should I leave her alone? Should I stop and offer help? Should I kneel in front of her? Should I sit next to her? Should I leave her alone? Does she want to be be invisible? Is she asking for help by being in such a public place? What should I do?

In the end, as I approached her, I just kept walking. Something stopped me from offering her a simple kindness. Something stopped me from doing anything but walk. My indecision regarding what to do, decided for me that I would do nothing.

To this day I think about that girl. What had happened to leave her so distressed - and in such a public place? Had she failed a final? Did a boyfriend break up with her? Had someone passed away? Was there some kind of family issue? Why was she alone? Where were her friends? How long did she sit there? Did anyone else offer her comfort?

I feel sad that I didn't let her know I saw her at least, that she wasn't invisible. I think I feared she would rebuff me in some way, so I left her alone. Or that perhaps she wanted to be left alone. But the thing is I'll never really know.

But here is what I suspect, even if she had rebuffed me, I don't think I would still be thinking about it, would still be regretting the (non) incident. I'd probably have shrugged it off and it'd be long forgotten. Maybe she would have told me to leave her the eff alone. But at least I'd know. At least I wouldn't regret.


Today's Lesson: Often in life, the things we most often regret are the things we don't do.

Inspiration

I come up with all kinds of brilliant or at least entertaining post ideas when I'm laying in bed and can't sleep (which is a lot lately). I mean, really, inspiration abounds. And yet, once morning dawns, the ideas are fleeting. This obviously means I need an ipad so I can jot them down while I'm in bed, thus not further jeopardizing my attempts to sleep (get ideas out, but don't get out of bed and wake self up even more).

I know what you're thinking - why not just have a pad of paper and pencil. But this has several pitfalls. First, I don't have a bedside table or anything on/in which to store said paper and pencil. Second, it's dark then. And, should I turn on the light, I would risk waking poor hubby. And I certainly wouldn't want to do that. Lastly, one of my children is bound to stab himself or his brother with said pencil. And heaven knows the ED social worker does not need to be bringing one of her children in to the ED with a pencil-eye injury. Really, it's all about job security.

So, clearly, I need an ipad.

Today's Lesson: This genius post is the perfect example of why I need an ipad. The stuff I came up with last night was infinitely more interesting, though likely just as rambling.

The Kid Learns to Ride

Yup. He did it. He learned to ride that bike without the training wheels. After all the good advice everyone gave us. The words of wisdom. The words of encouragement to say to him. Of how to help him learn to balance. Of where to let him practice. Of what to let him ride on (training wheels vs. no training wheels, the balance buddy).

None of it worked, though.

Do you know what the magic trick was that convinced my boy to ride his bike all by himself? It was a chocolate cupcake. Or rather the promise of said cupcake after the demonstration of independent bike riding skills. You know who made that bribe, er, promise to my sweet boy? My mother. That's right. Apparently what really works to get my kid riding is the promise from his Gram of a cupcake, a chocolate one.

He is my child. Of that there is no doubt.

Today's Lesson: I don't care what people say, bribes are darn effective and have their place in parenting. Note to self - I now have to make good on that bribe it seems. Just a new bike. No biggie, right? Also, this bribing thing I apparently learned from my mother.

Fish

I don't eat fish. Or seafood. If it lived in the water, I don't eat it. Except for the seaweed in (vegetarian) sushi. I wish I could eat fish, but I just can't.

It started when I was a kid. I used to eat tuna. Was never a huge fan, but it was fine. Then, one summer when my extended family was up in MI, my grandfather made me watch him skin (or whatever the proper term is) a couple of fishes. It was one of those moments where I didn't want to look, but I couldn't look away. 25+ years later, it's a sight that's burned into my retinas. It's also one of the reasons why I don't eat much meat in general.

However, to further compound that experience, later that same week we went to have a picnic on the dunes in that area of MI. Guess what mom packed for lunch. Tuna fish sandwiches. And, there was some kind of weird thing going on with the lake that had caused mass numbers of fish to die. They were all over the banks of the lake. So we got to smell that during our picnic. And that cemented it. No fish for me.

It's a smell thing, in large part. I see that dead, skinned fish image in my brain and immediately the dead fish smell comes back with it. And I start to gag. Happens every time anyone mentions that I should eat fish or I smell fish, seafood, anything that lived in the water. I logically understand that this aversion is in my brain. But I just can't overcome it.

I'm okay with this. Most of the time. However, when my 6yo berates me for not being willing to have a "hello bite" (a rule with all foods at our house), I feel rather chagrined. I mean, he has a point. But I just can't do it. (Seriously, just thinking about it right now has made me - involuntarily - shudder and crinkle up my nose in disgust.) And then I quickly change the topic. You know, the whole "look it's a squirrl" tactic. It works well with my kid. And I then I tell him to take a hello bite of whatever is on his plate. And eat his stinky fish.


Today's Lesson: Sometimes Momma is a big ole hypocrite. And she's - mostly - okay with that.

Milp-mease

This morning when I walked in to baby E's room, he was crying a bit. I don't think he was ready to wake up, but the kid's noise made it happen anyway (that and his diaper leaking - which only happens when we don't use the wool covers). As soon as he saw me, he stopped crying, cocked his head to the side, fluttered his lashes sweetly, and said (with words and signs) "milp-mease" ("milk please"). I assured him he would get some milp-mease once we were both dressed, which seemed to satisfy him.

Fast forward about 20minutes to both of us being dressed and ready for the day. I was in the kitchen, getting the breastmilk thawed. Baby E was at my feet, clinging to my leg, repeating "milp-mease" over and over. Finally we were all ready and I sat down to nurse. He climbed in to my lap, grinning and yelled, "MILP-MEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeshhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!". Then he nursed, with enthusiasm.

He popped off a few times to tell me one thing or another ("the kid, outside" or "Nonah [Jonah, the dog] s[l]eeping"). And then he popped off again. He sat up and said "all done". Then he looked at my breast, then at me, then back at my breast and said "bye bye, milp-mease. Me all done" and pulled my shirt down. I laughed and laughed. Then he grinned his impish little grin and took off running. Though he did stop a couple of times, grin and say again, "bye bye milp-mease".


Today's Lesson: It is so fun to see your kids' personalities really start to erupt. My kids are funny. And I so appreciate that about them.

Coming Down from the Melatonin High

It's been awhile since I mentioned baby E and sleep, or Melatonin. I'm assuming you've realized this means sleep has been going well. And, man, has it. After about 2 weeks of the melatonin, E started sleeping consistently through the night, as in no waking up. At all. After 15+ months of waking 2, 3, or more times a night, that sleep was ever so much appreciated.

However, we've now been getting that full time sleep for about 4-5 months. And my guilt about "drugging" him to get him to sleep, has been mounting. The last couple of weeks, he's been sleeping from about 7:30p til at least 7a. Though he's gone til 8a few times. This is all in addition to 2-3hr naps. While it sounds great, I've been worried about how much sleep he's getting. And, yes, I get that that makes me a little crazy.

Mostly, though, in my research prior to us giving him the Melatonin, I read some warnings about people becoming "addicted" to melatonin. Now, this was more in line of your body just stops making it after awhile since you're providing it. We certainly didn't want this to happen. The last thing we want is for him to have to have it, like, forever to be able to sleep.

So, a few weeks ago, I  started mentioning to hubby the need to wean baby E from the melatonin. At first he simply shrugged and grunted in a very noncommittal kind of way. Then he just started flat out ignoring me whenever I brought it up. About 2 weeks ago, for some reason, he agreed to give it a try.

I am - over the moon, beyond thrilled - happy to tell you, that baby E has now been Melatonin-free for almost 2 weeks. Actually, that's not the part I'm so excited about. The awesome part is that he has continued to sleep through the night! Now, this has not been without consequences, but they are ones we're willing to accept. At least for now.

First, it's taking him longer to get to sleep at night, and there have been a few nights where he's cried for a bit, necessitating us going back in to his room once, twice, thrice to calm him down. This was similar to what was happening pre-melatonin. But, he does settle down within a half hour and go to sleep on his own.

Second, we've started hearing him whining in his sleep again. He woke me up at 10:45 the other night (he'd gone to bed at 6:45 that night!) whining. I went in and he wasn't really awake, but his blankets had come off. So I covered him back up and he was quiet again. This morning he woke hubby up at like 5a doing the same thing. But then he slept til 7:30a.

Third, his naps have become wonky. He's still napping, mind you (good, 2ish hour ones), it's just that when he takes those naps is all over the board. He used to go down about 1p (give or take 30min). But, in the past week, he's gone down anywhere from 10am (after sleeping til 7:30 that morning!), to 2pm.

Fourth, I don't think he's sleeping as well as he was with the melatonin. He seems to be more restless at night, as evidenced by his blankets being all over the place/him not keeping them on all night (which he had been doing). Also, the poor little fella has had circles under his eyes a few days.

All that said, we're going to give it at least another couple of weeks and see how it goes. If he can sleep on his own, that is absolutely the preferable option. However, if he starts waking again, and just seems tired a lot, we'll go back to it, though probably with a lower dosage.

Today's Lesson: Poop, toots, and pee-pee are frequent topics of conversation in households that a boy-heavy. Also, jokes about those things are apparently just as funny for 35yo boys, as they are for 6yo boys, as they are for 22mon old boys. Sigh...

12 Years

If you don't read the Bloggess, well you should. But, in case you don't, she had a hilarious post this week, celebrating her 16th anniversary. Please go read it. I'll wait. Seriously, my post won't make much sense if you don't.

Today is my anniversary. 12years the hubby and I have been married. The man has put up with a lot of crap from me. And he's done it mostly with, if not a smile exactly, then certainly quite a bit of tolerance. I'm a lucky girl.

Here's a little confession. I'm not a good gift giver. Like, at all. Hubby's much better at it than I am. Sometimes I'll get lucky and give someone something they like, but really, that's almost always luck. When I hear someone say they like something, I take them at their word and try to store away that info for later (because I have such a hard time coming up with ideas on my own). However, that sometimes mean I end up getting someone - hubby - gifts that while utilitarian, are not so, uh, romantic.

This is the case this year. Hubby is getting a backyard composter. He keeps talking about how much he thinks we need one, that he wants one because the one he built doesn't really work all that well (it takes FOREVER!!!). And I know that it's probably the least romantic gift ever. But, for one, he said several times he wanted one. Two, it'll make his life easier (less maintenance on the compost). And three, I couldn't come up with anything else.

I wish I was as good a gift giver as the Bloggess...

I figure since hubby and I dated for 4 years before being married, technically it's our 16th anniversary, right? So, I'm pretty sure one of us is due a sloth. Or kangaroo. Or hedgehog. I'm just assuming hubby's got this one covered. Or has plans 4 years from now to take care of it. Because he is a good gift giver. I'm pretty sure I'll either get that sloth, or a necklace. Either will be lovely.

Happy Anniversary, hubby. I love you!

Today's Lesson: And this is why Pin.terest is so awesome. It helps those of us who are totally sucky gift givers, have a better chance. But not so much this time. Perhaps I should have spent more time on Pin.terest...

Gentlemen and Ladies: A Convo with my Kid

My friend, JE, is taking the kid to see a movie today (something about pirates?). She told him she'd take him a long time ago (like 2 months - that's a long time in a 6yo's world), and he has not forgotten. He finally guilted her into it when we were together on the 4th and they set a date for this afternoon.

So, this morning while I was getting ready for work, the kid and I had a little chat about proper behavior when out with a lady. It went a little something like this...


Me: So, kiddo. Tell me about how a gentleman should behave when out with a lady?
Kid: (blank stare, head cocked to side)
M: What kinds of things should you do to be respectful when you're out with Mrs JE?
K: Oh, yeah. Well, I use nice words. Like please and thank you.
M: Absolutely, I like how you're thinking. What else?
K: I can let her go in to the seat aisle first.
M: Great!
K: Also, I should be quiet during the movie.
M: Excellent idea. Not just to be polite to Mrs JE, but also for everyone else there.
K: Of course. And if I need to poop, I'll just tap on her shoulder and tell her real quiet, "Mrs JE, I need to poop".

(Somewhat long conversation regarding how he probably should try to do that before he leaves the house and, should he need to go to the bathroom, he doesn't need to specify why.)

M: Okay, what else can you think of?
K: Well, I could open the doors for her.
M: Yeah, that's a really nice idea. You know, kiddo, another thing that's nice to do when you're out with a lady is to compliment how lovely she looks.
K: (looks hard at me, and is silent for a minute) Well, momma. You're naked. But you have a flower in your hair. And, man does it look nice. You sure are pretty! (big grin, quite pleased with himself)
M: (laughing hysterically) I think you got this, kiddo.

Today's Lesson: My kid does not need lessons from me on how to woo the ladies. Kid's got that one all covered.

Vacation Spots

Hubby and I are talking about vacation ideas. Now, lest you get excited for us, or simply expect pictures of said vacation, let me explain. This vacation isn't going to happen until Spring Break, or even next summer of next year. Yes, I know. It seems early to be talking about a vacation 9-12 months away. However, I bring it up for a couple of reasons.

First, because I (we) need something to look forward to! And it will be then before we can actually take an extended family vacay. Hubby could go this summer, of course, but I can't because of the new job. And then it'll be Spring Break before he'll have the time off school, the kid as well of course.

Second, I really want some ideas and opinions from others about where to go! We're open to suggestions. Actually, I'm begging for suggestions.

So here are our thoughts thus far.

We've been to Charleston and Destin and loved both. However, we'd like to go somewhere we've not been before. I could take or leave the beach. I burn so easily that a day or two of that and I'm totally over it. So, if you're suggesting a beach, it needs to be where there are lots of other things to do (including other outdoor activities - we're an outdoor kind of family).

We're happy to drive or fly. Honestly, we almost prefer to fly for the boys to have that experience.  I'm open to international travel. Actually, I'd love to go to Germany or back to Italy. However, baby E will only be 2 1/2 by then and I'm terrified of traveling with a toddler, taking the time change and super long plane ride into account. So, let me know if you think it's doable/enjoyable.

We prefer - strongly - to stay in a condo or rental house. Because of cloth diapering, we need (and by need, I mean want) a washer/dryer in unit. Also, I need the kids in a different bedroom. One or two nights of sharing with them is more than enough. A week or two would drive me mad. Also, we need to be able to cook and eat-in quite a bit. It just works better for us.

We are not particularly interested in Disney anything. Maybe when the boys are older.

Neither hubby nor I have ever traveled out west, so that is certainly a strong possibility (but where, people, where???).

And that's all I got.  So, now please, please, pretty pretty please, tell me what you got! Where have you been and loved? Where would you avoid at all costs? What places are great for families with young kids (boys will be 7 and 2 by then)?

Aaaaaand GO!!!!!!

Today's Lesson: Seeing the Coroner at work twice in one day is a good reminder that my bad day really isn't all that bad.

A year ago.

A year ago today we lost my mother-in-law. A year ago. It seems both so long ago, and as if just a moment has passed.

We were camping. The kid was playing with friends. I was in the tent nursing baby E, who had just woken up. Hubby was out and about, getting ready for breakfaast. I heard his cell ring, but didn't answer because I was busy with E. It rang again just as E finished nursing a few minutes later, which seemed odd. I looked and saw the calls were from his father and his brother. That seemed even more odd, but not concerning. I assumed MIL was calling from their trip abroad to check in.

Hubby came back in the tent and I handed him the phone. He tried to call FIL, but there was no answer. Then he called his brother back and within seconds he sank to the ground, repeatedly asking, "What? What? What?????".  I asked him what was going on, but all he could get out was "dad, mom". I assumed FIL had had a heart attack, though I don't know why. It never dawned on me that MIL had died. It honesly never dawned on me that anyone had died.

There are days when it still doesn't seem real. When I'll spout out "call and ask your mom" to hubby and it takes me several moments to realize what I've said. It often feels like we just haven't seen her lately. I can't believe it's been a year since I've seen her. I can't believe all the things she's missed.

MIL wasn't perfect and I was often frustrated with her. She was sometimes self-centered and stubborn. I often felt she was judging me in how I conducted myself in my relationship with hubby (though, really, that probably speaks more to my own insecurities than anything). She had a knack for backhanded compliments. She was seriously good at them. I'm still not sure whether they were intentional or not.

Though MIL and I had a complicated and often frustrating relationship, she also was one of the strongest women I've known. She loved fiercely. She was loyal, so very loyal. She was devoted to her family - her sons, her grandchildren, and especially to her husband and marriage. She believed in education, getting her bachelor's and master's degrees well in to adulthood, setting an example for many. She listened and gave thoughtful advice, even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. She cared for people. She had a gift of helping and became a social worker to find a formal way to use her skills.

In short, she is missed by many. Including me. I wish she was still here. Even though she drove me damn crazy (a lot).


Today's Lesson: Sometimes we all get stuck. We focus on the things about others that make them hard for us to love. Instead of allowing those things that make us love them come to the front. Love is about making daily decisions to not let those hard things get in the way. Love is chosing to be in relationship with someone even though it is sometimes hard. Love isn't easy. There are moments of easy. There are many more moments of hard.