Friday, February 25, 2011

Infertility = A loss of control

I've been trying, over the last couple of days, to figure out why the whole baby E's last name isn't ours thing is bothering me so much. I think I've figured it out. It has to do with infertility.

When you are faced with infertility, you lose a lot of control over what happens in your life, and you are faced with a lot of losses. In a lot of ways you lose control over having a baby, or least in doing it in the manner in which you'd assumed you would, the manner in which everyone else does. You lose control over your own body and grieve it not doing what it's "supposed to do". You lose being able to experience that positive pregnancy test, feeling the baby move inside you, labor and delivery, etc...

You lose being able to discuss all those things with other new parents. You lose being able to talk about the challenges of breastfeeding (in my case) without having to go into a huge discussion about how it's even possible. Or what that thing around your neck is.

And apparently you lose some of the most basic rights of parenthood, such as knowing your child's information (i.e. name and SS#). A biological parent would never be denied this information. It would be ludicrous to even imagine that possibility, right? (Cases of domestic violence, abuse/neglect notwithstanding)

So that's why this has me so upset. It feels like another loss. Yet another thing telling me that I am less than a whole parent, less than other parents. And, in short, it just sucks.

Today's lesson - Many people assume that once they are parents, the hurts of infertility are healed. The truth of the matter is that those hurts and losses are something that can unexpectedly show up at any time and bite you in the ass. And it sometimes hits you right about the time you sit down and write a blog post.


Emms said...

Big hugs you are a whole mama I promise! I've been following your blog lately and just wanted to say hi and that you are an amazing woman and mama.

Becky said...

Thank you, Emms :)

Michelle said...

The reality of this is overwhelming... of course my children are almost 6 & 7 now, and my feelings of "not the momma" have bled into school...that is the biggest slap in the face of all... I only care about their educations, I don't care about the labels they wanna put on me to make themselves feel better. I never thought it would be this hard!

Becky said...

I've wondered how it will manifest once the kid starts school next year. ((sigh)) Why does it have to be so difficult??!! I also never thought these kinds issues would still be popping up. These are the kinds of things potential adoptive parents needs to at least be aware of BEFORE baby comes, not to deter them from deciding to adopt (not at all!), but just so they can get themselves a little better prepared.