Waiting. We're back to waiting. Only this waiting is the worst waiting possible. Because before we were waiting for hope. Now, we're waiting for the most horrible loss a parent can experience. I am terrified, and furious, and feel like I might vomit at any moment (though I know I won't because there's nothing in my stomach to come up). I am shaking and I have to sit down every time the phone rings because I just *know* it's L telling us she's coming to get baby E. I am barely holding myself together. The only time I feel like I can really breathe is when I'm holding both my sons, with my husband's arms around us.
I sit and nurse baby E and think "should I be doing this? Should I go ahead and get him used to bottles?". He hasn't had one since early Monday morning. L mentioned the possibility of him going to temporary care. I can't stomach this idea. He's already been parented by R, us and R, just us, then to go to strangers, and then back to her... it's too much for a baby. I mean, he's just a baby. This isn't fair for him. And it isn't fair to the kid. All he talks about is his baby brother. The first words he speaks in the morning, and the last at night are about his baby brother. I don't know how we're going to tell him that his baby brother, well, simply isn't his baby brother anymore.
We've been praying like crazy. And I know you have, too (or are sending good vibes, which are also appreciated). My gut tells me they're not going to be enough. My gut says we're about to lose our son. My gut says that while they're talking right now (as I'm typing this), R is telling L that she wants him back. My gut says by the end of the baby E will no longer be ours. I have never in my life more wanted my gut to be wrong.
6 comments:
Oh I hope your gut is wrong too, I hope they are talking to her and she decides it's the hormones, that her first decision was the best. I cannot imagine what you all are going through.
Why would he need to go to a different home before going to her? I don't understand, but I don't understand any of it. I am so so so sorry.
Still praying.
xoxo
The social worker doesn't feel like she's prepared to parent at all, so she thinks a transitional foster home would give her time to either get ready to parent, or (I assume) go back to her original decision.
Oh Becky. I'm so terribly sorry. The angish, anxiety and uncertainty you must be facing.
And what makes this worse is that you aren't the only couple I know going through this right now :(
You are a wonderful person and your Family is so amazing. I just hope and pray that R is smart and brave enough to understand the decisions she has made and the ramifications of decisions she will make in the near future.
Love, blessings and prayers.
sending you every wish I can. I don't know what else to do. I am so sorry. {hugs}
ps-my captia for this comment is "hugasone" hug as one. I know it doesn't mean anything, but even google is sending you hugs.....
wanted you to know we are checking and praying and hoping...your afraid right now and panicked and it's perfectly normal for you to assume the worst...just pray...your gut maybe wrong.
I'm sorry.
amanda - or maybe it was "hug a son E"...
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