Saturday, October 23, 2010


You know how sometimes you start to hear whispers? Tiny little murmurings your heart asks you to listen to. But they're just quiet enough that you can push them out, ignore them, pretend you really didn't hear them, like they're not really there. Sometimes that's how intuition hits us. Sometimes they bring us bad news (something's wrong). Sometimes it's a need to do something (call a friend). Sometimes they tell us things about ourselves that even we didn't know. Yeah, those.

I've started hearing a little whispering of late. But it's so preposterous that I'm trying to ignore it. It's not possible. It's not what I have wanted and worked for my whole life. It's not who I am. Or is it? Can we be so wrong about ourselves? Can we change so much? Can one little being change me so much? Can I really want to stay at home with baby E? Can I really not want to go back to work? Is that really who I am now?

All my life I've know that I want kids. I've also known that I would continue to work after they were born. I couldn't stay home with them full time. I would totally go crazy. I would end up being a horrible mother if I were to be home with my kids all the time. I need to work and be able to help other people. I love being a social worker and, by God, I am GOOD at it. I know there are days when I am much better at being a social worker than I am at being a mother. Probably a lot of days.

But, dare I admit it out loud (or to the entire world wide web), I *think* I want to stay home with baby E. Like, all the time. Like, not go back to work. And, oh my goodness, this thought terrifies me. I mean, being a social worker is a huge part of who I am. My job is a huge part of who I am. I don't have the patience necessary to stay home all the time with a kid. I would go crazy stuck in this house all the live long day. I would lay around, eat bonbons, not shower, and become a cranky, cranky, lazy, crazy woman. We don't have the money for me to stay home. We need my income. Why in the world would I have a masters degree and stay home. Being a stay at home mom isn't, well, it just isn't me.

Is it? Hell, I just don't know...

Today's lesson - just when you think you know something, just when you think you know yourself, beware. Be prepared for anything when you listen to those whisperings because they just may shock you.


JE said...

This totally reminds me of this post I read recently--

Myra said...

part time worked perfect for me....just a thought for the "not sures" :)