Monday, October 4, 2010

Our First Visit with R

So, today was a big day. It started with the kid spending last night with hubby's parents (his first night away since baby E was born). I was afraid he wouldn't want to go since he so loves baby E. But, alas, the promise of tractors and cows was enough to overcome that. Then, baby E went into my work with me for a short trip, because of course my grant report is due tomorrow (you know, the one that pays my salary, so it was kinda important). There was hardly anyone there, but it was nice to get out of the house!

Yeah, yeah, you say, we know that's not the biggest thing that happened today. And you're right, of course. Today R came to visit baby E for the first time since we left the hospital, and she came to our house. ((big sigh)) So, how did it go? Well... I think it went well, I guess. I mean, what should I have expected? Of course she held him the whole two hours (with a short exception, will tell you about that momentarily). Of course, she stared at him almost the whole two hours. Of course she teared up when it was time to leave. Of course. She loves him. All of this I expected, more or less, though it was still a little difficult to watch. I found myself shaking a little.

So what was with the time she wasn't holding him? Well, let me tell you. Baby E had just fallen asleep when she got here. Hubby quickly handed him over and he woke up. And he started fussing because he was really tired. And she couldn't get him to stop. And he really started to cry. And she couldn't get him to stop. Hubby and I sat there, not saying anything because he is her baby, too, and we didn't want to, I don't know, tell her what to do, I guess. Then she asked what we do when he won't stop. So I told her. She tried it but it didn't work. So, then I took him and showed her what I do. He immediately stopped. I handed him back. She tried it, he cried again. She tried again for another few minutes then handed him over to hubby. Hubby got him to sleep within a minute or two, then gave him back. She held him the rest of the visit.

I feel so guilty even thinking much less admitting it (well, ashamed really), but I was glad she couldn't get him to stop crying. As my friend JE pointed out, R needs to know that baby E is not this always-asleep-completely-happy-never-crying baby. She needs to know that he does have times when he cries and cries. And maybe it helps to know that she chose parents who know how to soothe him. Now, ok, I realize that had she had him for the last week, she, too, would know how to soothe him. But, maybe it was comforting knowing that already we know him and know what he needs. Maybe...? I don't know... And, as my mom made me start thinking about, it does seem interesting that she wanted to know how to soothe him, that she wanted to learn. What does that mean?? And, really, am I just reading way too much into the whole thing. ARGHHHHH!!!!

So, how do we feel about the visit? I guess we're kind of uncertain. I think, overall, we're just going to fell uncertain until she has terminated her rights. We didn't get the chance to ask the social worker, L, about the termination of parental rights (TPR) paperwork, because it just felt weird asking about that in front of R. We're going to call tomorrow and process the visit with L. The TPR will be a question we'll certainly ask (again).

Today's lesson - it's actually not all that easy to blog and nurse at the same time. This lesson may never apply to many of you, but at least now you know. So, please excuse typos, etc...

1 comment:

Myra said...

I don't think you should feel ashamed or guilty for admitting how you feel about R's experience with E...if you didn't admitt it I would have wondered because I know I would have felt that way...I think it's you protectiveness kicking's no secret YOU want to be his mother...

still praying...he's just a doll by the way..would love to bring you dinner!!!