Sunday, August 29, 2010

The anti-adoptionists

Every once in awhile I start reading other adoption blogs. Mostly I find them comforting, to know that other people are struggling in the same way I am, or did and made it through. To read blogs written by birth mothers who have open relationships with their children's families - this gives me hope that my kid's first family will come back around at some time, and that they're doing okay. Sometimes, however, I end up on what I call anti-adoption blogs. These are written mostly by women, birth mothers/first mothers, who either regret their choice of adoption for their child, or feel like they were never really given a choice - they were backed into a corner where it was their only option. Today I'm going to write about them. Today I'm going to write to them.

Before reading those blogs, it never occurred to me that people could so hate the whole idea of adoption. Some of them call it the institution or industry of adoption. They suggest, no they flat out say, that adoption is all about making money for agencies. Obviously, I only intimately know my own experience with adoption, as a mother through adoption, though I do have a friend who chose adoption for her daughter. I completely understand hating adoption if you were forced into it. If, like happened 30 years ago, you were sent to a maternity home in secret, gave birth, but were never allowed to see your child, having no idea what happened to him/her. I get hating it then. I have a hard time believing that that kind of thing still happens. Maybe I'm just naive? That's certainly possible.

I think the thing that most upsets me about this faction of people, is that I don't want to be a part of anything that causes so much pain for someone. In my heart, I believe the kid's birthfamily did what they truly believed was best for them, the kid, and their 2 other kids (who they were, and are, parenting). However, when I read of the pain, and hate, some birthparents have, it makes me unbelievably sad. And it makes me feel a little bit guilty.

Throughout our whole process, it was supremely important to me that the first family of our child make the decision to place their child for adoption only if that was truly what they felt was in their child's and their own best interest. I didn't want them to do it only because they didn't have the financial resources to parent, because there are resources available; finances should never be the reasons someone chooses not to parent. I didn't want them to do it because they didn't have the social support system they needed or the know-how to parent, because there are agencies whose job it is to provide education and support. Yeah, I don't really know what reason I wanted them to have. What I do know is regardless of how painful our infertility was, and how strong our desire to parent was/is, I would never want to cause this kind of pain to someone else just to address my own.

I don't know what I want first parents to take away from this. Maybe I want them to know that I would never want your child so much that I would participate in stealing him/her away from you. Maybe I want them to know that when I say I want an open relationsip with you, I mean it with my whole being; I would never say it just in an attempt to get you to choose us to raise your child. Maybe I want them to know that I, too, grieve for the loss I know you must be experiencing. Maybe I want them to know that I want the best for you, even if that means you don't choose us to parent your child, even if that means you will parent your child after you've already told us you want us to. Maybe I want them to know that I support parents in raising their children and will continue to do so. Maybe it means that I want you to be okay - and not for my sake so I don't feel guilty at all, and not for your child's sake, but for your own sake.

Today's lesson has nothing to do with the above. Here it is - the word "funk" and the other 4-letter "f-word" sound very similar when coming out of a 4yo's mouth. When you're in doubt, you should not yell "what did you just say???!!!!!" because then said 4yo will said, "funk. What did you think I said?" and you will have a difficult time coming up with a plausible answer that will satisfy him.

No comments: