Friday, August 20, 2010

An envelope

I start to freak out every time I see we have an ecru colored envelope in the mail. My pulse speeds up. My heart starts to pound. My breathing becomes shallow and increased. Then I look at the envelope. My heart drops down to my toes. Sometimes my eyes well up. Mostly, I get angry at myself. Because, see, what those ecru envelopes do is start to make me hope. Why? It's because our adoption agency sends things to us in ecru envelopes. And sometimes, just sometimes, those envelopes contain information about "situations" (aka information about birth families who are considering making adoption plans for their babies), asking whether we are interested in being considered by the birth families.

And what's wrong with hope? Well, let me just tell you, since you asked and all. It's just that it's not helping at all right now, that's what's bad about it. Every time I see those envelopes, my mind, no matter how I try to control it, immediately goes to "oh this is it! This is our baby!!!!". And there it is, that spark, or flame, of hope. And then it comes crashing down as soon as I realize it's only our monthly bank statement (btw, screw PNC Bank for using the same color envelopes). Or, it IS actually from them (like happened yesterday), but it's only a request for updated vet records for our dog. Seriously, that just sucked.

And all hope does is keep me on the rollercoaster. Those of you who have experienced infertility will know exactly what I mean about the rollercoaster. With TTC (trying to conceive, for all you non-infertility folks), it's a monthly thing, where you hope all month, do what you're supposed to do to get pregnant, hope and pray and pray and hope, and then your period is a day late, and you REALLY start hoping and praying, only to have the hugest letdown ever (well, since the previous month at least). You grieve for a bit, then you jump back on the damn rollercoaster and start all over again.

So, that's what the ecru envelopes represent for me, specifically that day when your period is late, and the subsequent crashing down. When we decided to stop ttc-ing and move to adoption, it was because I couldn't handle that rollercoaster anymore; I thought adoption would take us off that crazy ride. And, the first time, it did. But it seems it's back, that up-and-down vomit-inducing misery. How awesome.

Today's lesson? Rollercoasters aren't all that fun. Oh yeah, and do not send me any mail in an ecru envelope. That crap's not funny. (Just a thought - wonder what the bank's response would be if I were to call and ask them to not send me anything in an ecru envelope...)

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