Tales from the ED

Oh, how I wish I could tell you some of the hilarious details from my adventures in the ED (Emergency Department, i.e. ER). Alas, for fear of losing my job, and license, I can not. But, here are a few snippets.

The 90yo man who got a DUI because he was driving so slow (no one was hurt). Mister was funny, too. And maybe a little bit handsy.

The mother who came in demanding bottled water because tap water kills, don'tcha know. And to be served a vegetarian dinner. She'd shown up well after dinner time. Not that the ED serves meals anyway. She was highly offended that neither bottled water, nor dinner were brought to her. The Diet Co.ke didn't seem to bother her though...

The kid who told me that his momma was gonna burn up the ATV he'd crashed on. He just hoped she'd let him light the fire. 'Cause kid loved to play with fire. He was not responsive to my suggestion that his love of dangerous things were what landed his 8yo butt in the ED in the first place.

The dude who was coming down from a high from bath salts (wha...????) and had some very interesting opinions on Ronald Regan. 'Cause he's still alive, in case you'd been led to believe differently. Don't believe all that shit Ann Land.ers (you know, the advice columnist) feeds you. She's possibly a poltergeist. Or Libertarian. Or something like that.

The woman who wanted a diagnosis for her little kid of a large rectum. Oh yes, she did. And, really, what else is there to say about that? I certainly couldn't come up with anything.

The strippers who demanded that I serve them the beverages of their choice (which may have included those of the alcoholic variety). And that I send them in a taxi to a city 90min away. 'Cause they had to get back for work, y'all. I mean, I am a girl who appreciates a strong work ethic. And, oh.  How I wish I could tell you the names they gave. Because they were awesome, like epic.

The mom who was taking pictures of her kid in pain and with a catheter in, because when he decided to do something stupid again (which she suspected would be no more than a month from then), she could show him these pictures of himself looking ridiculous. Or use them as blackmail, threatening to show them to his friends. I kinda liked her.

The lady who told me I was a dumb, stupid, stupid-y head, with stinky fingers. And that she would be moving in with me a week from Tuesday. Funny enough, she was not high.

Today's Lesson: And this is why I am not a stay-at-home momma. Well, that and the whole need a paycheck thing.