Saturday, October 22, 2011

It wasn't exactly what I expected. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes I overreact. Sometimes I over-think things. Sometimes I imagine things to be more difficult than they need be. It's possible today's visit may have been one of those things. (The kid's parent-teacher conference is not. It really did suck as expected. But that's a post for another day. Mostly because I'm still too irritated to write it right now.)

To start off, we were late. The kid just had to have a nap today, and I - as always - was hesitant to wake him up. I sent L a facebook message, though I don't think they got it til right before we showed up about 45 minutes late. I'm sure this made them a little anxious.

The visit was...interesting. It was easy and friendly, like it had been only a couple of months since we'd seen them, and not almost 3 years. We chatted constantly. And was mostly about... nothing. I don't know what I expected, but - honestly - I think I'm a little disappointed. I think I wanted them ask question after question about the kid. I kept throwing out things - the asthma, his love of swimming/lack of fear of water, the constant talking at school - but it didn't seem like we got a whole lot of a response. I mean, they did comment some (L said her brother has allergy/seasonal asthma which is great to know, and D said he, too, was always in trouble in elementary school for talking). But that was about it. Again, not sure what I wanted to happen, I guess those things to lead to further conversation. They didn't.

So I kinda stopped tossing things out there. And they didn't really ask any questions. I took some pics for them. I thought they might be a good conversation starter. Seems they weren't useful exactly. They did look through the pictures, but the pics didn't lead to any questions or comments.

Now, I don't think it's that they're not interested in the kid. Like, they wouldn't have contacted us if that were the case! And they did seem really happy to see him, to see us all. Maybe they were uncertain about how to proceed also? I'm sure they were. This is a different kind of relationship. It has no rules, no role models. It is relatively uncommon. They've never done it before and it has been a long time sive we've all seen each other. I don't know...

The kid played with his birth sister mostly. They ran around happily, playing tag, bouncing, coloring with sidewalk chalk. They got along great. And there was no talk about what their relationship was. Well, at least not within my earshot. And I have no idea what L and D may or may not have said to their children. Despite all my worrying about this particular thing, it didn't seem to matter.

We left things with both saying we hoped to get together again soon. I so hope that will be the case. Their lives seem to have settled down quite a bit, so hopefully it will be a possibility for them.

At dinner tonight, the kid had some questions, really only about about his siblings. So we gave him the answers to the best of our ability. He hasn't yet asked the question I keep waiting for...why? Why do my brother and sister live with L and D and I live with you? It's coming and I'm not really looking forward to it. I can only hope we'll handle it with grace. I can only hope it, too, will be easier than expected.

Today's lesson - Sometimes things really will be easier than you expected. And you've gotten all worked up unnecessarily. Wouldn't it be nice to have spent that energy on something more useful? Like dusting. Or a game of Go Fish. Or anything really.


BreAnna said...

That visit does sound interesting. I imagine it would be a little weird after going so long without contact.
I look forward to getting to know more about your story! Thank you for the comment on my blog. It is great to meet other social workers who've been through infertility.

Emms said...

What a visit. Sounds Luke it went well, even though it was a little different. Like you said, this is a different kind of relationship, I'm sure it'll always be interesting!

Katie said...

Hi there! Returning a visit from ICLW :) So glad I stopped by! What you said about it being a different kind of relationship with no rules or role-models really hits it on the nose for me. I feel like at each point in the adoption process people keep asking me about different things saying, "Was it fun?," or "Are you excited?" Usually I get lost in thought at such questions. I don't think there are always exact words or even better-known experiences to compare the situation of building a relationship with a person (or persons) whose biological child you are parenting, or will be parenting. To say yes most times would be a lie, but that doesn't mean its bad. Just different. Thanks for sharing this experience! I look forward to reading more :)

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing your journey. Our son has two bio-siblings who live with his bio-parents and I wonder about what questions he will have in the future too. I think I've got some answers for him, but time will tell.

SuperMommySometimes said...

"Que sera sera..." is what my mom would always say to me when I would tend to overthink/overanalyze/drive myself crazy with my own mind :) You handled yourself SO well and were SO prepared. You took care to ensure that the only person you are in control of was ready, and the rest just fell into place :) So nice he got to play with his birth sibling and you got some medical history information (sometimes so lacking in adoptions), sounds like a good visit!

Jamie said...

Hello from ICLWland! I'm glad that your visit went without any major snags. I hope the future continues that trend!

DallasJenn said...

I know this post is from a while back, but I'm a new reader and making my way through your backstory.

Here's a bit of my backstory - I'm a birthmom to an 11 year old boy, a reunited adult adoptee from a closed adoption, and a social worker.

I never ask a lot of questions about my birthson when we're visiting. Honestly, it's embarrassing that I don't know that much about him, and I don't like to highlight that fact. I like to pretend that I'm in the know. I mean, I gave birth to him! I think about him every day! How in the world is it right that I know NOTHING about him? It's a huge point of insecurity to me, so I just spend our visits enjoying my time with him (read: staring at him) and stashing away the information I get through his parents' constant chatting (which I love!).