Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Moments of Struggle

Today's NHBPM prompt is to write about my strengths and weaknesses. This is my take on it.


I never know when IF will hit me.

I continue to struggle with the kid's behavior. Yes, still. And I *know* it's still related to his asthma, which we still haven't gotten completely under control. So he's still not sleeping great. It's gotten a bit better. But still.

I also know some of it is related to school. As in public school in general and the crappy habits, attitudes, words he's picked up there (thankfully, not another teacher issue. At least I don't think it is). Some of it's probably developmental as well. He's being sneaky, and disrespectful, and I'm feeling very pissy about it all.

Also, hubby's not handling it well either; he's yelling a lot. Which just further sets off the kid. Tons of fun, I tell ya. It's all incredibly frustrating. (And have I mentioned that we're now on vomit incident #5 in the last 3 weeks? Yeah. We are. ThankyoubabyE.)

But none of that is really what this post is about.

It's interesting, but these struggles bring up some the the IF crap. Leaving me with feelings of guilt for sucking as a parent right now. And the "shoulds" take over.

I *should* be able to deal with the behavior. I *shouldn't* lose my patience, or my temper. I *should* be able to figure out how to help the kid's behavior improve. I *should* know how to talk to hubby to help him handle it better, too.

Clearly I'm not good enough. Those old feelings of doubt creeping back in. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a parent. Feelings of not being worthy to raise this child his birthparents entrusted to me.

Rationally, I *know* that's all crap. I *know* we all struggle sometimes. I *know* it's ridiculous to expect all of this from myself. I *know*.

And yet, I still feel it.

More often than not the rational wins out. Really, it does. But there are those moments, thankfully fleeting, but they're there. Moments when IF wins.


Today's Lesson: Guilt is a bitchy, mean thing. It has to power to override the rational. It insinuates itself deep down and pops out when you least expect it. And, apparently, it is bff's with IF. I hate them both.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Could his asthma meds be contributing to all of this? Steroids, even in an inhaler, can cause irritability. Singular (if that's how you spell it, and if he's on it), is known for insomnia, weird dreams, etc. My sis went through this with one of my nephews, and things improved greatly when they found the right treatments. Hang in there!

Jess

fullbed said...

Oh man. I'm sorry you have those feelings. I know you *know* it's not true, but even feelings that you recognize as not rational can really hurt. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I love your blog because of what a thoughtful, reflective parent you are. I really admire how much energy you put into being the best parent you can be and how much wisdom your self-reflection brings to other people through your blog.

fullbed said...

Oh man. I'm sorry you have those feelings. I know you *know* it's not true, but even feelings that you recognize as not rational can really hurt. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I love your blog because of what a thoughtful, reflective parent you are. I really admire how much energy you put into being the best parent you can be and how much wisdom your self-reflection brings to other people through your blog.