Thursday, November 8, 2012

Dear Infertility...

Today's NHBPM prompt is to write a letter to your health. Here's what I came up with.

Dear Infertility,
My initial thought is to just tell you "you suck" and "I hate you" and leave it at that. Since, you know, those things are true. So, so very true. I mean, you suck in oh, so many ways. I could go into a whole "let me count the ways" kind of rant. And it would be long. But I'll abstain. Because, well, that would just piss me off further.

And, really, I do have something more important to say to you.

Infertility, I am daily reminded that without you, I wouldn't have my boys. I hate you a lot (and I do mean a lot), but I have my kid and my baby E because of you. You serve as a reminder to me to try to see the possibilities that arise from the heartache. You remind me that good things come from the bad. That there are always opportunities for healing.

Now, I will never go so far as to thank you for, well, being you, and well, attaching yourself to me. But I can acknowledge a gratefulness. Because you are a tangible reminder to me that out of the pain can come good, once we are in a place to see and accept it. And when we are able to make some sort of peace with the crap we're thrown, we make room for good to come in.

And, for that, Infertility, I have to give you a little bit less hate.

That's the best I can do. Today at least.

The Infertile Social Worker come Momma

Today's Lesson: I believe we are presented with opportunities to learn lessons throughout our lives. Not to say that bad things happen to teach us a lesson, mind you. But that things happen, and things can be learned from those. God speaks in whispers, getting progressively louder, sometimes yelling at us to learn the damn lesson already.

Infertility, for me, was certainly a yelling. And, lord knows, it was a lesson it took me a long time to hear. But it's now a lesson I've learned. From the bad, the awful, the horrible things that happen to us, we can learn something. And, I don't know about you, but it gives me some peace. To know that something good can, will come of it all.


Motleymommy said...

Beautifully written and heartfelt. I agree with so much, even though my baby Z ended up coming naturally, I have learned the lessons well. I am grateful in someways for the lesson.

Kristin said...

I just wrote about this too. Infertility is such an awful thing but thinking about my little man I know just how lucky I am! But, it took a yelling for me to hear Him too!

M said...

Love this post!

Amanda Kasper said...

Oh Becky, I'm so touched for your comment to me. Thank you, for visiting. For commenting. For joining the family.

Your post, and your lessons are beautiful. Thank you, for writing.

Also - your blog design is beautiful and I feel like I'd like to beg you for help with mine! xoxox With Love, A

Jenn and Casey said...

So beautiful and painful. We never know what challenges will bring us...and infertility brought you two beautiful boys. But it certainly came at a price, I know. Your words are beautiful.

Cristy said...

Here from SQ. I too have mixed feelings about infertility. It's robbed me of so much and really done a number on my marriage and relationships with others. Still, I'm reminded that as hard as this path has been, there's been some benefits. Though I'm still in the trenches, I've finally had a reason to tackle so very negative things in my life, cutting out a lot of the things that were dragging me down. You talk about the fact that without this journey, you would not have your sons. That's incredibly powerful to think about.

I wish I had an answer for why we all had to go through this hell. To have our marriages/relationships rocked so much by IF. What I hope is that surviving IF is actually a testament to our marriage: that we refused to give up on one another even when it seemed like the easier path. I hope that you can find that too.