Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Water, or balls, or some kind of analogy

I've been overwhelmed by life lately. Not the "I am going to lay down and die because I can't handle anything" kind of overwhelmed. More the, "I am holding my head above water - just barely - so fortheloveofbabyjesus please don't add another thing to my load" kind of overwhelmed. I've dropped many balls in order to accommodate the new ones. And some of those are really important balls.

Case and point, two weeks ago was my bff's birthday. I'm sure she thinks I've forgotten because I don't think I even managed to even send her a fb message to wish her a happy birthday, much less see her or even get her birthday present to her. Not that it's anything new - I have hardly seen her in the last several months. I wouldn't blame her in the least if she totally revoked the bff card. Honestly, as much as I've sucked as a friend lately, I think she should. (And hell, she may have but hasn't been able to see me to tell me!)

As much as I hate this - that I haven't seen her, or talked to her, or even sent her a freaking text message - I don't know what else to do. I don't know which other ball to drop. I'd actually planned to take the gift to her house on her birthday. But instead I ended up spending the day taking care of the kid and his now-glued together head. And then, as the days wore on, and crap kept getting in the way, I became embarrassed. Embarrassed that I hadn't talked to her, told her happy birthday, told frankly just her how much  I miss her. Because I know it's my fault.

It's an example of how chaotic things are right now. Heaven knows she's not the only one I've neglected, or let down in the last several months. Don't get me started on when my last actual conversation with hubby was. Or the last art project I did with the boys. Or the last time I called my mom to just see how her week has been. Or when I last made any attempts to talk with either of the boys' birth families. Much less spending time with any other friends. None of them have happened in ages.

I feel like I'm having to choose which really important things to slack on. Or, more accurately, I don't have time to really make a definitive decision, because the chaos is so complete, that I'm living in reactionary mode. 15 things come at me at once and I feel like all I can do are the things that are mandatory. Nothing else makes the cut. And that is not where I am most happy; it is not where I want to live. I can't even blame Christmas, because this was going on before the holidays even got close.

I feel stuck in a cycle. There's so much to do. There's just not time to do it all.

And so I bob up and down in the water. Hoping it will recede eventually, leaving me standing on my 2 feet once again.

P.S. Happy crazyass late birthday, dear friend. Please don't hate me. I love you!!

P.S. 2 - I have no idea why this whole post is highlighted white. Or why only this part isn't. Or how to fix it. Or really, energy to worry about it. Another thing for the "I don't have time to deal with this" list.

Today's Lesson: Finding balance is a great goal. It's also one of those things that goes on the "easier said than done" list. A list I don't have time to reference at the moment, I might add.


Motleymommy said...

Throwing you a life preserver. Hugs and thoughts of support. I have been there. I am teetering on the edge of it right now. I feel your overwhelmedness.

Hang in there mama. your bestie will still be your bestie. Put something on the calendar for a month from now and treat her to a mani and lunch....just the two of you. If she knows you she will understand.

Try to take a deep breath, try to enjoy the holidays.

Peg said...

Oh, Becky. I so wish we lived closer and I could sit and have a coffee (beer?) with you and have a good old fashion vent fest. I so know how you feel. Your ball analogy is perfect. The everyday, logistics, life balls are light, bouncing balls that I'm struggling to keep up in the air all at the same time. The big life stuff are medicine balls. I find myself having a hard time doing either.

Hang in there. This is a stressful time in general but when everyday stuff gets hard it makes everything worse.

Sending you all the positive mom vibes I can muster!!!

Thrift Store Mama said...

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now (and always) - no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.

This has happened to me too "And then, as the days wore on, and crap kept getting in the way, I became embarrassed." It's just so awkward - I did it recently with a really thoughtful gift from a friend. She finally called me to ask if I had received it !

Hang in there. You know, you KNOW that it's going to get better.

Anonymous said...

Oof, I've been there. Things will slow down and even out, and your BFF will still be there. I have a feeling you wouldn't have a BFF who wasn't an understanding person because that's the kind of person YOU are. Hugs to you today.