Friday, December 7, 2012

A Ghost Child

Mel over at Stirrup Queens wrote a beautiful post recently, about her ghost child. It's haunting, and perfectly describes something I've been trying to articulate for myself of late. Please go read it. Then come back.

For those of you who don't follow directions thus didn't go read the post, Mel talks about a recent family trip where she was followed by a ghost child. A child who is only a possibility. Or perhaps, a child who is no longer a possibility. She's reminded that because that child doesn't physically exist, this trip was possible for her family. But also that the carrying of this ghost child prevents her from fully participating in the experience with her family. (Or at least that's what I took from her words.)

I've been grappling with my own ghost child recently. She's reflected in the questions others have started asking about whether we're considering a 3rd child. She's waiting to be nursed as we move towards what feels like baby E starting to wean. She's there, watching, as I wonder what to do with all the things baby E is outgrowing. She's there in the night, when I am startled awake by a newborn's cries. I feel her weight on my chest when I see a friend carrying her newborn in the Moby wrap.

And she is always a she. The dresses. The hair bows. The girly-ness of her. It's painfully palpable at times. She is painfully palpable at times. A shadow. A possibility. A ghost. A question. A maybe.

She's there. Waiting. Waiting for us to decide whether or not she will be. Always there.

Today's Lesson: Sometimes others are better at giving words to our thoughts than we are ourselves.


Rebecca Hawkes said...

Wow, those ghost children take so many shapes. My birth mom wrote a poem for me this Thanksgiving about the ghost child who is with her on holidays (and other times), the version of me who would have existed if she had been able to raise me. I've written about her, too. This post of yours introduces me to more versions of the ghost child.
I love your "lesson." Yes, I find that to be the case so often!

AS said...

I followed your directions, read the post, and cried. I hope you find peace as you make your decisions about adding to your family. We are now also in that place of question with no luck this time around.

Emms said...

Oh wow. Both Mels post and yours are so touching and so true. Making the decision to add or not is so hard. I wish you peace in the process and with the decision you make. I am lucky that we both agree that 2 is good for us. I guess you never know, and that's why I won't say never. Hugs

M said...

I love this post. Even though S is only 4 months old- I hope and pray I can give her a sibling somehow.

Have you ever worked for/with KY DCS? I have a friend who is looking into foster to adopt. She got her heart broken in TN (her hubby is army so they had to move). If you have any info for her, can you send me an email at Thanks!