Thursday, June 24, 2010


I've been quiet for the last week for a few reasons. I've been in a training most of this week, and I'm back in school (just a couple of classes to get a certification but it's 2 nights a week), and mostly, I just have been feeling quiet. Not quiet like I no longer have anything to say, because, really, anyone who knows me knows that is quite unlikely to ever happen. But quiet because I don't really know how to say where I am right now. Where, you ask? I just don't know where I am with our whole journey to our second child. I mean, in an obvious way I know where we are. Our paperwork is done, our home visit has been completed (actually that's been done twice because it's been so long since we started), we've been approved (for almost a year), the money is in our account ready, and we're waiting, just waiting. Waiting...waiting...waiting...the damn waiting is making me crazy.

I felt such certainty last time. Once I felt that peace in church, I knew. I knew it would all be okay. I was completely confident and just knew everything would be okay. This time I feel like I'm crawling around in the dark with sunglasses on. Everyone once in awhile I bump into something that feels like it might be a rock, or a spider, but most of the time I have no idea what's around me, or what's going on. And it kind of pisses me off. I keep telling myself, as everyone else does as well, that it will happen in God's time. But, to be honest, that just makes me roll my eyes and sigh. It just sounds like crap and I kind of wish everyone would quit saying it. I think that's what people say when they don't know what else to say. Heck, I don't even know what else to say to myself.

I simply try to pretend like it doesn't exist at all. I try to stay busy. I play with my kid. I answer abruptly when anyone mentions it and hope they ask no followup questions. When hubby brings it up, I tell him I don't want to talk about it. When the kid brings it up ("Momma, when will our baby get here? This kid is taking forever!!!!!!"), my chest hurts. Our nursery is ready. Mostly I avoid the room. Sometimes, though, I go in and just look. I used to lay on the floor in the kid's nursery before he was born, staring up at the ceiling, dreaming of my baby. I could feel his soft little check, smell that clean baby smell, and hear his little cry. Now, I come up blank. I can't picture a sweet little face or how it will feel to hold him or her in my arms.

I guess that's where I am.

As for today's lesson, well, I just can't come up with anything. But, for those of you who have been wondering (don't lie, you know you have been!), Georgie the fish is still alive and swimmin' - much to my amazement! This fish may last awhile yet. Go, Georgie, go. At least he's another distraction...

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