Saturday, June 5, 2010

Finally, the moment of knowing

Okay, so yesterday's take home lesson was to trust my husband more to make his own decisions about what he can handle. And I suppose that translates to more relationships than just mine, so use it as you see fit.

Okay, so where was I? Oh, yes, sobbing on the couch. Tangent moment - how come some girls get to look all adorable when they cry while I look like a red, swollen mess, with snot running out of my nose? You know what I'm talking about, the "ugly cry". I'm just sayin' it doesn't seem fair that some people get to look so darn cute, while others of us are quite unattractive. But, whatever.

Anyway, on to more relevant ramblings. When I told my husband that I couldn't do it anymore, he used a soothing voice (I'm certain he just wanted the crying to stop) and said that whatever I needed was fine. I'm pretty sure he had no idea what he'd just agreed to. Actually, I don't know that I even knew what I'd just decided.

That was a Saturday. 5+ years later I still remember what day it was. I remember how I was laying on the couch, with my husband kneeling on the floor. I remember that the day was sunny but it couldn't help my dark mood. It felt like I was at the bottom of a deep well and there was no way out.

On Sunday, we went to church. Before mass started, I knelt and prayed like I'd never prayed before. Only this time, instead of praying to get pregnant, I prayed to just be at peace with whatever God's plan was. I wanted to let go of my own plan, and didn't even ask to know what The Plan was; I just wanted to be at peace. All of the sudden, I got it. It was the most amazing thing, to have a prayer answered so quickly and so completely. It had never happened before, and hasn't since. I instantly was aware that everything would be okay. I was at peace and knew (what I had known as a child - "Finally!", you say) that I wouldn't be getting pregnant, but that I would be a mom. I've never felt so at peace, or grateful in my life.

As mass continued, hubby and I looked at each other in wonder as one of the readings talked about Joseph's experience in "adopting" Jesus. The priest then spent the entire homily focusing on the gift of adoption. I mean, really, could we have gotten any clearer of a sign?!! Though we gave each other looks of amazement, we really didn't talk about it for awhile. We just didn't know what to say. But more on that another day.

Today's lesson is to listen for the answer when you ask a question, and don't be surprised if you actually get it. Instead, be grateful. I know I am.

1 comment:

J Melton said...

Thanks for this. I don't know that I'll ever know, but it's good to know how someone knew.