750am: (ring, ring) Hello, Mrs Momma?
Hi, this is Mrs Office from the kid's school.
Me: Okay. Yes?
Mrs O: So, the kid brought something to school this morning.
Me: Ohhhh, that doesn't sound good. What was it?
Mrs O: Well, two hundred dollars.
Me: I'm sorry. What???!!!!
Mrs O: Yes, he brought 2 hundred dollar bills.
Me: Wait, what?
Mrs O: Yes, he had them out, showing them to the other kids and now we have the money here in the office. Would you like to come pick it up?
Me: Two hundred real dollars???
Mrs O: (laughing) Yes. Any idea where he got that? Do you just have that laying around at home?
Me: I mean, not normally. Well, yes, I guess, I mean, it's not just laying around. It's put away. You know, like for emergencies. Because I hate to go to the bank. So I when I do go, like twice a year, I get some cash to have around, so I don't have to go back there for a long time. Or in case there's some kind of emergency. I mean, I don't know what kind of emergency would necessitate that. It's just something in my head I need to have. In case. You know? Please don't break into my house because, really, that's all there is. Jesus, why am I babbling...
Mrs O: (laughing, a lot) Mr Principal says there's a 10% finder's fee.
Me: (laughing, uncomfortably). Um. I'll be there in 30 minutes to get it. And have a little chat with the kid.
(fast forward about 30 minutes)
Mrs O and the rest of the office staff: (still laughing) Here you go. Now don't go and ruin his day or anything.
Me: Um, well, he's the one who stole $200 that wasn't his and brought it to school. So, we're gonna need to chat about that. If it "ruins his day", well, that's totally on him.
(fast forward about 10 minutes during which the kid and I had a little chat about stealing and his consequences)
Mr Principal: (also laughing) I heard the kids be like "Whoa, the kid has a hundred dollars!!" so I went over to see what was going on. And I was like, "uh, no kids. The kid does not have a hundred dollars. He has two hundred dollars". The children were very impressed with his wealth. And with the number of Pokémon cards he could have bought with it. Where'd he get that much money anyway?
Me: Clearly we're drug dealers.
Mr P: (laughing as I walk out of the school)
And that was my Wednesday morning,
Today's Lesson: Don't leave $200 where your 7 year old can find it. Or, if you do, don't be surprised when he comes home with 12,034 Pokémon cards. Also, don't be surprised if the police and/or social services show up to your house when you tell your child's principal that you are a drug dealer.