750am: (ring, ring) Hello, Mrs Momma?
Me: Yes?
Hi, this is Mrs Office from the kid's school.
Me: Okay. Yes?
Mrs O: So, the kid brought something to school this morning.
Me: Ohhhh, that doesn't sound good. What was it?
Mrs O: Well, two hundred dollars.
Me: I'm sorry. What???!!!!
Mrs O: Yes, he brought 2 hundred dollar bills.
Me: Wait, what?
Mrs O: Yes, he had them out, showing them to the other kids and now we have the money here in the office. Would you like to come pick it up?
Me: Two hundred real dollars???
Mrs O: (laughing) Yes. Any idea where he got that? Do you just have that laying around at home?
Me: I mean, not normally. Well, yes, I guess, I mean, it's not just laying around. It's put away. You know, like for emergencies. Because I hate to go to the bank. So I when I do go, like twice a year, I get some cash to have around, so I don't have to go back there for a long time. Or in case there's some kind of emergency. I mean, I don't know what kind of emergency would necessitate that. It's just something in my head I need to have. In case. You know? Please don't break into my house because, really, that's all there is. Jesus, why am I babbling...
Mrs O: (laughing, a lot) Mr Principal says there's a 10% finder's fee.
Me: (laughing, uncomfortably). Um. I'll be there in 30 minutes to get it. And have a little chat with the kid.
(fast forward about 30 minutes)
Mrs O and the rest of the office staff: (still laughing) Here you go. Now don't go and ruin his day or anything.
Me: Um, well, he's the one who stole $200 that wasn't his and brought it to school. So, we're gonna need to chat about that. If it "ruins his day", well, that's totally on him.
(fast forward about 10 minutes during which the kid and I had a little chat about stealing and his consequences)
Mr Principal: (also laughing) I heard the kids be like "Whoa, the kid has a hundred dollars!!" so I went over to see what was going on. And I was like, "uh, no kids. The kid does not have a hundred dollars. He has two hundred dollars". The children were very impressed with his wealth. And with the number of Pokémon cards he could have bought with it. Where'd he get that much money anyway?
Me: Clearly we're drug dealers.
Mr P: (laughing as I walk out of the school)
And that was my Wednesday morning,
Today's Lesson: Don't leave $200 where your 7 year old can find it. Or, if you do, don't be surprised when he comes home with 12,034 Pokémon cards. Also, don't be surprised if the police and/or social services show up to your house when you tell your child's principal that you are a drug dealer.
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6 comments:
Oh my gosh that is hilarious and awful all at the same time!
Ok, I just saw this on Mo's blogroll. Never commented before but I have to say that I did this exact same thing when I was in first grade. I opened a drawer in a desk in our living room and found $60. This was back in the late 70s so that was a wad of cash. I ran out and told the whole neighborhood. My best friend and I decided we would go the toy store after school the next day to buy doctor kits. No clue why that was the choice. We were busted by the honest clerk at the toy store when I gave him the full $60 to pay for the kits. When he asked where I got it, I was smart enough to lie and say it was 6 weeks allowance, just not smart enough to figure out how much they cost. I got in trouble, never did it again and now I'm a perfectly mature adult.
P.S. Ok, the perfectly mature part is a lie. But I am a functional adult.
Ah this is so freaking hilarious! You just never know what they're gonna do ha ha ha.
Great story to tell at his rehearsal dinner.
That is so funny!!
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