Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Judging

Just as a warning, this is an angry post with plenty of cuss words thrown in.

I came across this PAIL guest blog post recently and it hit quite a nerve for me. Probably because we're getting so close to weaning.

This is such an emotional topic for me. Being able to breastfeed my children the “normal” way is the one thing I don’t know that I can’t let go of. Thank you, infertility, so damn much.

I prepared and fought to be able to nurse my boys for a long time before they were born. With baby E I was on the protocol for almost 18months before he was born. For months and months after he was born (13, I believe), me and that damn pump were the best of frenemies. I had a crazy job, with a completely inconsistent schedule, both before and after he was born. But I did it. And we’re still doing it, me and my 33mon old boy.

But nothing about it has been easy.

And I totally admit – for the first time ever "out loud", to anyone other than to myself – that I judge (biological) mamas who don’t breastfeed.

Mostly, I am pissed at them. I am jealous of them. Because they *could* do what I wanted (damn it, still fucking want!) to be able to do and yet they don’t.

I have had to use the SNS for almost 3 years with baby E. We’ve never once nursed without it. Let that sink it. For more than 33months we've nursed with that damn plastic bottle and tubes between us. Of course I'm glad it exists because there's no way we've had made it without the stupid thing. But, fuck me, I resent the thing at the same time.

I have spent I don’t know how much time and money and energy finding donor breast milk (and am eternally grateful for it and the mamas who gave it to us). But it was only necessary because my body wouldn't - won't - do what it's supposed to do. And so many mamas take that for granted. So many simply throw that away. To so many, it simply doesn't seem important.

Comments about "it's so hard to find time to pump" or any other number of what equate to excuses in my mind, they just piss me off. I want to scream (IN CAPS!!!!!!), "do you know what I had to do to nurse my babies??!!".

But they don't. And they don't give a flying fuck. And they shouldn't. Because it's not about them. It's about me. And this fucking infertility. And what, even after all this time, it continues to steal from me. Fuck. That's not even true. It's what *I* continue to allow it to steal from me.

While I rationally know this is *my* issue and has nothing to do with how other mamas choose to feed their babies, I’m beyond jealous that they aren’t doing it. I know. It’s irrational. I know. And yet there it is. I judge them for not nursing. I judge them choosing not to give to their babies what I did everything possible and yet still couldn't give to mine.

I judge.


Today's Lesson: As much as I wish it were true, I don't believe there is a one among us who doesn't judge another about something. Sometimes the best we can do is admit our judgements. And, perhaps from that, we may be able to recognize that those judgements are most often about us. Not about the one we are judging. And, perhaps, that may allow us to understand it and eventually let it go.

4 comments:

Peach said...

Infertility changes our outlook on things. I don't have children yet but I find it very hard that some mothers don't BF knowing I never will. Its the same listening to women gripe about their healthy, normal pregnancy...and I want to scream at them, "do you know what I and most IF women would give to have your pregnancy?? Indigestion and back pain and all?" Or abortion...before I was infertile I was pro-choice. I'm not now. The hard reality is that infertility, no matter where you with it, grabs hold and colours our opinions. I think it probably always will! Just be kind to yourself. We all judge, and your reasons are at least a lot more logical and legitimate than others.

Kristin said...

You are right we do all judge and maybe it isn't fair but I think that we have been dealt a hand that makes it hard not to. I judge those who have kids that I feel "don't deserve them". I judge Mom's who don't breast feed and could. Is it fair? Probably not but it is the reality of the infertile.

M said...

I'm sorry Becky. You are an amazing mom and it's so unfair that IF continues to steal from you. ((hugs))

Alicia said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog today Becky. I totally needed that. :)

Judging - oh man, I have been thinking about this so much lately. What I judge. What others judge about me and my family. I was trying to come to terms with judgment and actually trying to eradicate it from my life without success (which made me feel crappy). Thanks for being brave enough to admit what you are judging!