Saturday, February 16, 2013

Disconnected

Lately I've been feeling disconnected, really, from just about everything. And - fortunately - not disconnected in the whole "I hate my life/self/work/family/etc.../I'm depressed" kind of way. I'm not really sure how to describe it. But I know it's related to why I haven't been blogging much over the last couple of months.

It's an interesting place to sit.

I feel disconnected from the blog-o-sphere. I've been reading blogs, and trying to comment some, but not feeling like I have words *I* need to share here in this space. I want to offer you all support, but I'm not feeling like I have the words to do so (either here, or via commenting on your blogs). So, please don't be offended. Really, it's me not you ;)

I feel disconnected from work. I'm coming to work, doing my job as expected. But I don't feel the passion right now. Heck, I don't even feel the compassion like I typically do. At the same time, I also seem to be able to deal with those patients I generally find especially frustrating, without that normal irritation. And I don't take the worry home with me as can happen sometimes. I'm able to know I've done what I can do, and then let it go.

I feel disconnected from my friends. For a variety of reasons (work, family, general chaos), I haven't spent much time with them in months. And it's left me feeling awkward when we are together, not quite knowing what to say. Me. Not knowing what to say. It's weird.

I feel disconnected from my husband. I don't remember the last time we had a real heart-to-heart conversation. This, too, has happened for a multitude of reasons, my crazy work schedule certainly being one of them. There's also this awkwardness in the stage we're in. So focused on parenting, but struggling to do it the same way, since we're so disconnected in our own relationship.

I even feel disconnected from my children. While I recognize this isn't good overall, at the same time it's afforded me some space to try to parent in a different way. Honestly, a way I much prefer. A way I think is much healthier for me and especially my children.

This bit of a distance that's come about (I don't know how) seems to be allowing me to be more patient (with all three of my "boys"). It's seems to be helping me to not get so easily frustrated. To not yell as quickly. To, perhaps, be more patient. It's seems to be allowing me to not take their behaviors that I find annoying, for what they are - their behaviors, not something done intentionally to irritate me. Behaviors that are done instead with the intention of getting some kind of need of their own met. And this distance is allowing me to ferret out what those needs are, instead of focusing on my own reaction and frustration.

So here I am. Disconnected. Not sure how I feel about it. Very sad in some ways. And yet healthier in others.

It's an interesting place to sit.


Today's Lesson: Change, short term or long term, is always a double edged sword.

3 comments:

Em said...

I have felt this way at times, too. The worst is feeling disconnected from my daughter. Usually I can trace the disconnected feeling back to chronic lack of sleep or anxiety of some sort. I hope that this feeling lifts off of you soon. And until then, I hope you find some sort of peace in feeling disconnected. Perhaps there's a purpose for it.

M said...

Sending you love!

Kasclar said...

I think you just gave voice to a feeling I've been having for a long time, too. Mostly in regard to work for me, but I understand what you're saying. I hope it lifts for you soon.