Wandering and Wondering

Sometimes I miss this space and wander back over. That seems to happen during the summer, mostly. Things are generally slower at work, with no grad students (literally) staring over my shoulder. And evenings at home are generally less stressful, with no management of homework to be done by overtired children.

If I'm being honest, part of the reason I walked (mostly) away from here is because too many people I know irl were reading. There were (are) Things I wanted to talk about that I couldn't, because it felt (feels) too uncomfortable to do so with people I know face-to-face. I've always been real here. What you read is what you get. But, to not be able to talk about these Things, well, I don't know what to say. Some of me wonders, though, whether it might just be safe to process here again. Whether, the people I know irl have long since given up reading. I'm assuming everyone has, truly, as most of time even I don't remember this space exists.

Also, I wonder if I just don't need this space like I used to. The infertility is forgotten most days. No baby waiting happening, nor will it again. I'm finally able to start getting rid of some of the baby things I've been holding onto for so long. Someone I knew when she was an undergrad student is becoming a foster parent. She posted on fb asking for baby things. It finally feels right to let go of some of the things. It makes me sad. But it feels right, too.

The kids are older, and though I find parenting at this age much more difficult than I did when they were small, I don't know how to share and process that without infringing on their privacy. (Which, I admit, I definitely did when they were younger. But it doesn't feel as sensitive what I would share at this age, just simply because of normal development.) They're both overall doing well. They're smart, and sassy, and funny, and drive me batty, and give me morning goodbye kisses (well, except at school drop off, then they prefer I not even look at them). They both love to read. The kid is way into adult dot-to-dots right now. I don't get it, but isn't that often the case with parenting? E is obsessed with some little toy that I can't even remember the name of right now. I get it even less than the dot-to-dots. They're kind, loving humans. I couldn't ask for any more.

I've also unexpectedly found a group of girlfriends with whom I converse about many of the things I used to process here. These women are such an unexpected and amazing presence in my life. I've never had a group of friends quite like them. I am incredibly grateful for the light they bring to my life. We're going on a week long girls' trip this summer. I've never done this. I've never been away from my boys for more than 3 nights. That part makes me nervous, particularly as supervision when I'm not home is less than optimal. But. BUT, I need this. And I am so looking forward to this time with my friends.


Today's Lesson: It's funny how even when we change, we hold on to certain things. Things that we know we don't necessarily need right now. But we might need them later. Maybe. Baby things. Relationships. Blogs. As long as the holding of these things isn't harmful to us or others, then go for it. Grieve it until you're ready to move on. Because, really, holding on to things is often about grief.