Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Oh, hey there.

I still haven't found my voice, or even found what it is I *want* to say. But I've been feeling called by this blog, called to this blog, the last few weeks. So, perhaps I'll give you an update of sorts. In bullets, because, well, I want to. And certainly nothing brilliant. I'm a bit rusty after all.

  • When I came here today to, well, idk what, I realized that the template had disappeared. Perhaps that happened a long time ago and I hadn't noticed. No idea. So, here's a new one. I feel like I lost stuff in the transition, but, to be honest, I haven't the interest in locating it at the moment. But this is at least better, right?
  • I've noticed that many (many!) of the blogs that were my favorites have disappeared as well. Where have you all gone? And why? It's interesting that so many of us seemed to stop all around the same time. I had been following along intermittently but every time I check, it seems more and more spaces are quiet.
  • My "new" job (been here about 10 months) has certainly afforded me a more regular schedule. It's also boring most days. I'm trying to be grateful that I'm no longer daily inundated with horrible abused kids and mentally ill homeless adults. And perhaps it means there's something wrong with me, but I miss that. Perhaps it's that I feel like I was actually making a difference with those populations. Perhaps I'm actually an adrenaline junkie. Either which way, I'm trying to be grateful for the good parts (regular schedule! office with door! seeing children every day!). Some days that's easier than others.
  • I hear some interesting comments and conversations outside my office doors. Occasionally one will be Cubicle Chronicles worthy. I should start jotting them down til I have enough for an actual post. You know, if I start posting again regularly. Which I don't know if I will.
  • Hubby... honestly, I think he's depressed. And this is the first time I've said it "out loud". I thought so as well after his mom died and convinced him to see a therapist. He went 2-3 times and stopped. Things got somewhat better for awhile. But for the last year or so, he's not been... well. I feel irritated and angry with him much of the time. Mostly because he is irritated and angry with the boys much of the time. And he doesn't see that and gets super defensive. And it's a big nasty cycle. So it's great. It is what it is right now. Until one of us decides to do something about it. And I wish I knew which of us it would be, or even what "it" is. Probably it should be me, because, you know, depression and all. But, yeah, that hasn't happened. I suppose this is one of the "things" I didn't really want the people in my actual life to read. But, fuck, I supposed I needed to say it somewhere.
  • The boys... well, I started writing updates on them and then ended up with too much. So, apparently, I've decided to do a post one each of them. Yes. That surprises me as well. Perhaps those posts will even be published.
  • Doesn't this sound bright and shiny and happy? Aren't you glad I haven't been writing this kind of crap all the time? We should just consider my absence as a gift to you. You're welcome. There's lots more fun like this, but I'll spare you now. Really, you're welcome.

Today's Lesson: Sometimes we all just fumble around in the dark not knowing what the damn lesson is supposed to be. Surely, at some point, a light will appear somewhere and offer some clarity. Surely.


Kerri Baunach said...

Welcome back, Becky! Sometimes, when going through rough or trying times, it helps to write about it. You probably already know this. But it occurs to me in reading this post that your draw back here is probably a desire to "get out" some of what you are working through in a safe place. Glad to see you back writing!

Motleymommy said...

oh Hello there! Nice to hear your "voice."

I struggle to find the time and the words to write but come often to find words from that two faced? I tend to write when I am working through something. Sure sounds like you are working through stuff.... I heard all of what you had to say. no advice to offer but that we will all be here if you write... Good luck dear!

Thrift Store Mama said...

Hello friend. Delighted to hear from you. I've taken a hiatus as well as have several of my blogging friends. My mind has been a hot mess the last 10 months, but I'm planning to start up again for NaBloPoMo in November.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I hope he will get some help before things get worse and he can't pull back from it. Even if he won't go, you can still go to therapy/counseling yourself to make sure you are keeping your ownself as healthy as you can. In situations like this, I like the metaphor of the airline oxygen masks - you always put it on yourself first because you can't help your kids put theirs on if you have already passed out.

I will hold you in the light, friend.