Hubby talked with our social worker today and she said R seemed fine after the visit (read: she isn't changing her mind again), so this seems good, well, really good. She is going to talk with R at the end of the week and get an appointment scheduled with the attorney to do the TPR paperwork. What a relief that will be.
Mostly today, though, I just wanted to tell you how much your support has meant. Some of you I know well, some I used to know well (or I knew your older sister and you were the annoying kid during our sleepovers), some are acquaintances, some are complete strangers. All of you have offered your support. All of you have helped us through this. I really appreciate you. Last week, I experienced probably the worst day of my life thus far. I pray I never know another day like it. But the only way I got through it, and the days since, is the support of those around me, literally (hubby, my mom, my dear friends M and K, who each has her own unique experience with adoption) and figuratively (that would be you, readers). So, thank you. Thank you for reading, for gently asking, for giving support, for sending love, for sending prayers. It has made all the difference. Thank you, friends.
Showing posts with label home visit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home visit. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Our First Visit with R
So, today was a big day. It started with the kid spending last night with hubby's parents (his first night away since baby E was born). I was afraid he wouldn't want to go since he so loves baby E. But, alas, the promise of tractors and cows was enough to overcome that. Then, baby E went into my work with me for a short trip, because of course my grant report is due tomorrow (you know, the one that pays my salary, so it was kinda important). There was hardly anyone there, but it was nice to get out of the house!
Yeah, yeah, you say, we know that's not the biggest thing that happened today. And you're right, of course. Today R came to visit baby E for the first time since we left the hospital, and she came to our house. ((big sigh)) So, how did it go? Well... I think it went well, I guess. I mean, what should I have expected? Of course she held him the whole two hours (with a short exception, will tell you about that momentarily). Of course, she stared at him almost the whole two hours. Of course she teared up when it was time to leave. Of course. She loves him. All of this I expected, more or less, though it was still a little difficult to watch. I found myself shaking a little.
So what was with the time she wasn't holding him? Well, let me tell you. Baby E had just fallen asleep when she got here. Hubby quickly handed him over and he woke up. And he started fussing because he was really tired. And she couldn't get him to stop. And he really started to cry. And she couldn't get him to stop. Hubby and I sat there, not saying anything because he is her baby, too, and we didn't want to, I don't know, tell her what to do, I guess. Then she asked what we do when he won't stop. So I told her. She tried it but it didn't work. So, then I took him and showed her what I do. He immediately stopped. I handed him back. She tried it, he cried again. She tried again for another few minutes then handed him over to hubby. Hubby got him to sleep within a minute or two, then gave him back. She held him the rest of the visit.
I feel so guilty even thinking much less admitting it (well, ashamed really), but I was glad she couldn't get him to stop crying. As my friend JE pointed out, R needs to know that baby E is not this always-asleep-completely-happy-never-crying baby. She needs to know that he does have times when he cries and cries. And maybe it helps to know that she chose parents who know how to soothe him. Now, ok, I realize that had she had him for the last week, she, too, would know how to soothe him. But, maybe it was comforting knowing that already we know him and know what he needs. Maybe...? I don't know... And, as my mom made me start thinking about, it does seem interesting that she wanted to know how to soothe him, that she wanted to learn. What does that mean?? And, really, am I just reading way too much into the whole thing. ARGHHHHH!!!!
So, how do we feel about the visit? I guess we're kind of uncertain. I think, overall, we're just going to fell uncertain until she has terminated her rights. We didn't get the chance to ask the social worker, L, about the termination of parental rights (TPR) paperwork, because it just felt weird asking about that in front of R. We're going to call tomorrow and process the visit with L. The TPR will be a question we'll certainly ask (again).
Today's lesson - it's actually not all that easy to blog and nurse at the same time. This lesson may never apply to many of you, but at least now you know. So, please excuse typos, etc...
Yeah, yeah, you say, we know that's not the biggest thing that happened today. And you're right, of course. Today R came to visit baby E for the first time since we left the hospital, and she came to our house. ((big sigh)) So, how did it go? Well... I think it went well, I guess. I mean, what should I have expected? Of course she held him the whole two hours (with a short exception, will tell you about that momentarily). Of course, she stared at him almost the whole two hours. Of course she teared up when it was time to leave. Of course. She loves him. All of this I expected, more or less, though it was still a little difficult to watch. I found myself shaking a little.
So what was with the time she wasn't holding him? Well, let me tell you. Baby E had just fallen asleep when she got here. Hubby quickly handed him over and he woke up. And he started fussing because he was really tired. And she couldn't get him to stop. And he really started to cry. And she couldn't get him to stop. Hubby and I sat there, not saying anything because he is her baby, too, and we didn't want to, I don't know, tell her what to do, I guess. Then she asked what we do when he won't stop. So I told her. She tried it but it didn't work. So, then I took him and showed her what I do. He immediately stopped. I handed him back. She tried it, he cried again. She tried again for another few minutes then handed him over to hubby. Hubby got him to sleep within a minute or two, then gave him back. She held him the rest of the visit.
I feel so guilty even thinking much less admitting it (well, ashamed really), but I was glad she couldn't get him to stop crying. As my friend JE pointed out, R needs to know that baby E is not this always-asleep-completely-happy-never-crying baby. She needs to know that he does have times when he cries and cries. And maybe it helps to know that she chose parents who know how to soothe him. Now, ok, I realize that had she had him for the last week, she, too, would know how to soothe him. But, maybe it was comforting knowing that already we know him and know what he needs. Maybe...? I don't know... And, as my mom made me start thinking about, it does seem interesting that she wanted to know how to soothe him, that she wanted to learn. What does that mean?? And, really, am I just reading way too much into the whole thing. ARGHHHHH!!!!
So, how do we feel about the visit? I guess we're kind of uncertain. I think, overall, we're just going to fell uncertain until she has terminated her rights. We didn't get the chance to ask the social worker, L, about the termination of parental rights (TPR) paperwork, because it just felt weird asking about that in front of R. We're going to call tomorrow and process the visit with L. The TPR will be a question we'll certainly ask (again).
Today's lesson - it's actually not all that easy to blog and nurse at the same time. This lesson may never apply to many of you, but at least now you know. So, please excuse typos, etc...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The Process
Lots of people have asked over the last several years about the "process" of our adoption. So, that's what I'm going to talk about today.
As I've mentioned before, we contacted our agency in the Spring of 2005 (it was the only one we ever talked to), met with them shortly thereafter and filled out some preliminary information. I think this was a screening to assure we met their basic requirements like having been married for a minimum of 3 years, etc.... They weren't scheduled to have any classes for another 9-10 months, but ended up calling us shortly thereafter, asking if we were open to transracial adoption. After we discussed this, deciding we were indeed interested, we signed up to attend our class that fall. And then we started waiting.
Our class coincided with my starting Graduate School, which was good in a few ways. First, we still hadn't told anyone other than my mom about our plans to adopt (a post for another day) so it was easy to just pretend that the class we were attending were graduate classes (hubby was also in grad school, just finishing up). Second, it just helped to keep my mind busy. Our class met once a week for approximately 8 weeks. We discussed topics such as open adoption, legal risks, dealing with our own losses due to infertility, etc... There were 3 other couples in the class (btw, all of us had our babies placed with us within 6 months of the end of the class). I have nothing but absolutely positive things to say about our classes. They were informative, supportive, and just exciting because I felt like we were actually making progress!
During the second to last class, our social workers handed out the paperwork. And, as you can imagine, it was a mountain. We had to answer questions about what kinds of "situations" we were open to (legal risks, health issues, openness, etc... ), our individual medical histories, our financial situation, stuff about work, our reasons for wanting to adopt, and so much more. Unless you've been through it yourself, you can hardly imagine all the flippin' paperwork we had to fill out, and all the seriously personal questions we had to respond to on paper. It felt like all the world would have access to everything about us, though I realized that wasn't true. It was still a lot to have out there. And, while I understand why all that info was needed, it kind of makes me a little bitter, all that we had to go through to become parents.
I just knew in my heart that the paperwork needed to be completed and turned in before Christmas (2005). And, though the personal nature of the paperwork sometimes bothered me, having to actually do it was fine. Really, it felt like something over which I FINALLY had control. After we'd turned in everything - including our photo album (the beginning of my scrapbooking obsession) - we had our home visit with both social workers. This was really nerve-wrecking and I don't remember the last time every corner and closet of our house was so clean. In the end, the social workers hardly even looked around the house and were so very kind and friendly, as they had - and have - been about everything else. But again, we were back to the waiting.
At this point, what we were really waiting for was our reference letters (from both of our jobs, neighbors, financial institutions, personal friends). On a Tuesday at the end of January 2006, at approximately 11am, one of the social workers called and said everything was "in" and we were "officially waiting". I was initially irritated when the other social worker called back about 45 minutes later. She promptly explained that we'd actually been chosen by birth parents that morning who wanted to meet us that weekend. The irritation quickly melted into hysterical excitement.
I think I've pretty much told you the rest of how the kid came to us. Though, I haven't yet included the "process" of once he was born and became legally ours. I'll do that another day.
Today's lesson is one hubby learned the hard way recently. And, if you're my FB friend, you probably read it on my status update a few days ago. However, it just cracks me up so I'm going to share it here, too. Here it is: you should never shake a peach tree while standing under it. This will likely result in your being hit in the head with peaches. Instead, consider standing to the side, you know, so the peaches fall on the ground, not your head. The visual is still making me giggle.
As I've mentioned before, we contacted our agency in the Spring of 2005 (it was the only one we ever talked to), met with them shortly thereafter and filled out some preliminary information. I think this was a screening to assure we met their basic requirements like having been married for a minimum of 3 years, etc.... They weren't scheduled to have any classes for another 9-10 months, but ended up calling us shortly thereafter, asking if we were open to transracial adoption. After we discussed this, deciding we were indeed interested, we signed up to attend our class that fall. And then we started waiting.
Our class coincided with my starting Graduate School, which was good in a few ways. First, we still hadn't told anyone other than my mom about our plans to adopt (a post for another day) so it was easy to just pretend that the class we were attending were graduate classes (hubby was also in grad school, just finishing up). Second, it just helped to keep my mind busy. Our class met once a week for approximately 8 weeks. We discussed topics such as open adoption, legal risks, dealing with our own losses due to infertility, etc... There were 3 other couples in the class (btw, all of us had our babies placed with us within 6 months of the end of the class). I have nothing but absolutely positive things to say about our classes. They were informative, supportive, and just exciting because I felt like we were actually making progress!
During the second to last class, our social workers handed out the paperwork. And, as you can imagine, it was a mountain. We had to answer questions about what kinds of "situations" we were open to (legal risks, health issues, openness, etc... ), our individual medical histories, our financial situation, stuff about work, our reasons for wanting to adopt, and so much more. Unless you've been through it yourself, you can hardly imagine all the flippin' paperwork we had to fill out, and all the seriously personal questions we had to respond to on paper. It felt like all the world would have access to everything about us, though I realized that wasn't true. It was still a lot to have out there. And, while I understand why all that info was needed, it kind of makes me a little bitter, all that we had to go through to become parents.
I just knew in my heart that the paperwork needed to be completed and turned in before Christmas (2005). And, though the personal nature of the paperwork sometimes bothered me, having to actually do it was fine. Really, it felt like something over which I FINALLY had control. After we'd turned in everything - including our photo album (the beginning of my scrapbooking obsession) - we had our home visit with both social workers. This was really nerve-wrecking and I don't remember the last time every corner and closet of our house was so clean. In the end, the social workers hardly even looked around the house and were so very kind and friendly, as they had - and have - been about everything else. But again, we were back to the waiting.
At this point, what we were really waiting for was our reference letters (from both of our jobs, neighbors, financial institutions, personal friends). On a Tuesday at the end of January 2006, at approximately 11am, one of the social workers called and said everything was "in" and we were "officially waiting". I was initially irritated when the other social worker called back about 45 minutes later. She promptly explained that we'd actually been chosen by birth parents that morning who wanted to meet us that weekend. The irritation quickly melted into hysterical excitement.
I think I've pretty much told you the rest of how the kid came to us. Though, I haven't yet included the "process" of once he was born and became legally ours. I'll do that another day.
Today's lesson is one hubby learned the hard way recently. And, if you're my FB friend, you probably read it on my status update a few days ago. However, it just cracks me up so I'm going to share it here, too. Here it is: you should never shake a peach tree while standing under it. This will likely result in your being hit in the head with peaches. Instead, consider standing to the side, you know, so the peaches fall on the ground, not your head. The visual is still making me giggle.
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