We just got home from our visit with birthdad. It was a rollercoaster, but overall really good. One of the first things he asked was where the kid was, that he'd really wanted to meet him. I explained that the small office we were in at the agency was much too cramped a space for the kid to be in for an hour, much less with 5 adults (it was tight squeeze, y'all); it would have been impossible for us to talk. Also, he was getting to have some special time with his beloved Gram. He said that made sense, but that he is looking forward to meeting him. We took this as a good sign :)
Overall, it was a good visit. We learned a lot about him. He's super personable and friendly. And very open and frank. All of those are certainly qualities I appreciate. We got several pictures, which I know we'll treasure. D grinned from ear to ear every time he looked at baby E. It was so cute. And it was really cool to see that baby E sure got his nose from D. And his hair, too, I think.
Were there some difficult parts to the visit? Sure. He repeatedly referred to himself as daddy, and to R as momma. We knew to expect that, and it was mostly okay, just a little...um...yeah, I don't know how to articulate that feeling. He's had a hard life. Some of that was related to things that have happened to him, others to choices he has made. Regardless, it made me feel sad for all that he's had to deal with.
However, as I sit and watch this beautiful, healthy, happy baby chew on the toy on his exersaucer, I am overwhelmed with love for him. And with gratefulness to D. He could have kept this from ever happening. He wanted to at first. There are no words to express how I feel about him when I look at our son. How grateful I am, will always be. How he holds a very special place in my heart.
I don't know what the future will hold in regards to our relationship with D, hopefully there will be one. I don't know what it will look like. I know it will be different than any kind of relationship I've ever had before. I know it will look different than any kind of relationship I've ever seen. We have models for other relationships all around us - whether those models are good, bad, or ugly, they're there. Unfortunately, this relationship isn't one we see. It's hard to even know where to start, because the opening dynamic is so fraught with conflicting emotions - our joy, his grief. The dichotomy between those two is hard to overcome.
Today's lesson - The relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents isn't something that we often see in society. There is no neat little box to put it into. We rarely have any frame of reference for it. That, I think, is probably part of why it can be so challenging. Then there's that whole somebody else callin' himself "daddy" part. It's different. It's challenging. It will be good, for all of us. But in order to make it easier, we need to talk about it. It needs to be seen (other than just Oprah and her sister), discussed, made normal.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Infertility = A loss of control
I've been trying, over the last couple of days, to figure out why the whole baby E's last name isn't ours thing is bothering me so much. I think I've figured it out. It has to do with infertility.
When you are faced with infertility, you lose a lot of control over what happens in your life, and you are faced with a lot of losses. In a lot of ways you lose control over having a baby, or least in doing it in the manner in which you'd assumed you would, the manner in which everyone else does. You lose control over your own body and grieve it not doing what it's "supposed to do". You lose being able to experience that positive pregnancy test, feeling the baby move inside you, labor and delivery, etc...
You lose being able to discuss all those things with other new parents. You lose being able to talk about the challenges of breastfeeding (in my case) without having to go into a huge discussion about how it's even possible. Or what that thing around your neck is.
And apparently you lose some of the most basic rights of parenthood, such as knowing your child's information (i.e. name and SS#). A biological parent would never be denied this information. It would be ludicrous to even imagine that possibility, right? (Cases of domestic violence, abuse/neglect notwithstanding)
So that's why this has me so upset. It feels like another loss. Yet another thing telling me that I am less than a whole parent, less than other parents. And, in short, it just sucks.
Today's lesson - Many people assume that once they are parents, the hurts of infertility are healed. The truth of the matter is that those hurts and losses are something that can unexpectedly show up at any time and bite you in the ass. And it sometimes hits you right about the time you sit down and write a blog post.
When you are faced with infertility, you lose a lot of control over what happens in your life, and you are faced with a lot of losses. In a lot of ways you lose control over having a baby, or least in doing it in the manner in which you'd assumed you would, the manner in which everyone else does. You lose control over your own body and grieve it not doing what it's "supposed to do". You lose being able to experience that positive pregnancy test, feeling the baby move inside you, labor and delivery, etc...
You lose being able to discuss all those things with other new parents. You lose being able to talk about the challenges of breastfeeding (in my case) without having to go into a huge discussion about how it's even possible. Or what that thing around your neck is.
And apparently you lose some of the most basic rights of parenthood, such as knowing your child's information (i.e. name and SS#). A biological parent would never be denied this information. It would be ludicrous to even imagine that possibility, right? (Cases of domestic violence, abuse/neglect notwithstanding)
So that's why this has me so upset. It feels like another loss. Yet another thing telling me that I am less than a whole parent, less than other parents. And, in short, it just sucks.
Today's lesson - Many people assume that once they are parents, the hurts of infertility are healed. The truth of the matter is that those hurts and losses are something that can unexpectedly show up at any time and bite you in the ass. And it sometimes hits you right about the time you sit down and write a blog post.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Now I remember why I don't wear earrings
I was giving baby E one final kiss while dropping him of at the sitter's house, before heading to work this morning. I leaned in and he grabbed a big ole handful of my hair. I started to back up and quickly realized that he not only had hair, he had an earring. That slight tugging caused a bit of panicking on my part. "Why did I wear these? I know he likes to grab! What if it rips out???!!!" All of these thoughts flew threw my brain just before I untangled his tiny fingers from my hair and earring. No damage done. Just a slight panic attack. No biggie. I went off to work, all of me intact.
So, as I was just sitting here thinking about this, I realized how profoundly my life has changed in the last 5 years. I mean, before you're a parent, you know things will be different AK (after kids), but there are so many things you aren't really prepared for. They're often not big changes, they're just unexpected ones.
Take the earrings for example. Now, I was never a big wearer of jewelry, but I did have a couple favorite pairs of earrings. After the kid started grabbing at them (at about 5 mon, just like baby E), I quit wearing them pretty much ever. They re-emerged about a year ago, when I remembered that I had them and liked them, and realized that he was no longer going to (unintentionally of course) rip them out . Now, though, they're probably going to go back to the drawer where they'd been living, except for special occasions.
Another example is the morning routine. Pre-kids, I slept til 715-30 and still made it to work by 8, often a few minutes early. Now, AK, I'm up at 545 and am rarely here before 830. I hate being late, y'all - just like my momma - and I often find myself late for everything these days. Not egregiously late, just running a few minutes behind. But this change I do find irritating.
One more example, the poor dog. He used to be our baby. Was, in fact, for 6 years. Now the poor creature is lucky if we remember to feed him before 8pm. He used to be the reason we took walks (to wear him out), and last night we took a walk without him because it just seemed easier than trying to find his leash. He was our baby. Now I fuss at him for trying to play with our baby's toys. Poor dog.
Today's lesson - Change is an inevitable part of life. It's even more likely to occur in the midst of huge life events. You know, like becoming a parent. You have 2 choices. You can choose to freak out about it which will lead to more stress. Or you can choose to accept the changes. Maybe they're permanent (I'm pretty sure I'll never get to sleep til 730 on a work day again). Maybe they're not (the dog does get more attention now that the kid can play with him and the earrings will eventually make their way out of the drawer again). Regardless, they are what they are at the moment. Freak out, or go with the flow...your choice. Personally, which of those I'll go with completely depends on the day.
So, as I was just sitting here thinking about this, I realized how profoundly my life has changed in the last 5 years. I mean, before you're a parent, you know things will be different AK (after kids), but there are so many things you aren't really prepared for. They're often not big changes, they're just unexpected ones.
Take the earrings for example. Now, I was never a big wearer of jewelry, but I did have a couple favorite pairs of earrings. After the kid started grabbing at them (at about 5 mon, just like baby E), I quit wearing them pretty much ever. They re-emerged about a year ago, when I remembered that I had them and liked them, and realized that he was no longer going to (unintentionally of course) rip them out . Now, though, they're probably going to go back to the drawer where they'd been living, except for special occasions.
Another example is the morning routine. Pre-kids, I slept til 715-30 and still made it to work by 8, often a few minutes early. Now, AK, I'm up at 545 and am rarely here before 830. I hate being late, y'all - just like my momma - and I often find myself late for everything these days. Not egregiously late, just running a few minutes behind. But this change I do find irritating.
One more example, the poor dog. He used to be our baby. Was, in fact, for 6 years. Now the poor creature is lucky if we remember to feed him before 8pm. He used to be the reason we took walks (to wear him out), and last night we took a walk without him because it just seemed easier than trying to find his leash. He was our baby. Now I fuss at him for trying to play with our baby's toys. Poor dog.
Today's lesson - Change is an inevitable part of life. It's even more likely to occur in the midst of huge life events. You know, like becoming a parent. You have 2 choices. You can choose to freak out about it which will lead to more stress. Or you can choose to accept the changes. Maybe they're permanent (I'm pretty sure I'll never get to sleep til 730 on a work day again). Maybe they're not (the dog does get more attention now that the kid can play with him and the earrings will eventually make their way out of the drawer again). Regardless, they are what they are at the moment. Freak out, or go with the flow...your choice. Personally, which of those I'll go with completely depends on the day.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
What's in a name...?
We received the adoption finalization petition from our attorney on Friday for us to sign and get back to him. That's good, because it means progress is being made. However, there was an error on it, and something else... The error was it lists my old old job (as in the one before the one I left a month ago). So that probably needs to be fixed. The other thing is, well, I don't know what to call it, or how to feel about it. Well, I'm irritated about some of it, but anyway.
Okay, here's what it is - baby E's last name isn't ours, it's R's. This may not seem like a big deal, but the thing is, it feels like it. We just assumed that his name was ours on the original birth certificate (educational moment, in case you don't know - you can give your baby any last name you want, yours, dad's, the president's, anyone's), and the documentation we received from the agency stated that it is. So, we've been going along all this time assuming he has our last name. We've given it to the pediatrician and the health department (where we've had to go for his shots). Heck, I even gave it to the IRS because we had to apply for a pseudo ID # for him so we can fill out our taxes (note: another adoption "thing" - though baby E has a SS# right now, we aren't allowed to have it. He'll be issued a new one once the adoption is finalized, along with a new birth certificate, listing us as his parents, which is another rant for another day. Anyway, it's a bunch-o-crap-pain-in-the-ass). But apparently, I've unknowingly been giving out fraudulent information.
With the kid, his last name was our last name, from the beginning; it was the birth mom's choice to do that. So, there was no changing his name when the adoption was finalized. I, we, just assumed baby E would be the same. And we had every reason to believe it was. But, apparently we were wrong. Apparently, because of some ridiculous overextension of confidentiality, we aren't even allowed to know our own son's last name. That's right. I mean, I realize the adoption isn't finalized, so he legally isn't "our son", but, for the love of all things holy, come on!!!! I'm a social worker, a therapist, I get the importance of confidentiality, but this is ridiculous. I can hardly imagine the uproar (social services) foster parents would get into if this were extended to them, so why us?!!
I don't like the idea of changing his name, even though it's just his last name, and even though it happens all the time with kids/adoptions. To me, and this is just my opinion, I feel like it's another loss, the change of a name. He's already lost so much (his birth parents, his original culture because try as we may we can't replicate that, living with and being raised by people who look like him, just to start), I hate to take 1 more thing from him. Obviously, we will change it, because he is part of our family, but that doesn't mean I can't feel conflicted (and icky and irritated about it).
So, anyhoo, that's where we are with that. As far as being sickly, baby E only seems to be snotty right now. And by snotty, I mean super snotty, so snotty the poor baby is havin' a hard time breathing especially at night. That, of course, means we're not sleeping well, but that, sadly, is nothing new. He otherwise seems to be back to his happy, sweet self. I sure adore that little guy. And that kid, geez, he's a riot. I am one lucky momma.
Today's lesson - the sun is awesome. Even when you're not sleeping much or well, or are irritated because of stupid, archaic rules, it helps you get through the day. Temps in the 60's are pretty helpful, too. Bring on Spring!!!
Okay, here's what it is - baby E's last name isn't ours, it's R's. This may not seem like a big deal, but the thing is, it feels like it. We just assumed that his name was ours on the original birth certificate (educational moment, in case you don't know - you can give your baby any last name you want, yours, dad's, the president's, anyone's), and the documentation we received from the agency stated that it is. So, we've been going along all this time assuming he has our last name. We've given it to the pediatrician and the health department (where we've had to go for his shots). Heck, I even gave it to the IRS because we had to apply for a pseudo ID # for him so we can fill out our taxes (note: another adoption "thing" - though baby E has a SS# right now, we aren't allowed to have it. He'll be issued a new one once the adoption is finalized, along with a new birth certificate, listing us as his parents, which is another rant for another day. Anyway, it's a bunch-o-crap-pain-in-the-ass). But apparently, I've unknowingly been giving out fraudulent information.
With the kid, his last name was our last name, from the beginning; it was the birth mom's choice to do that. So, there was no changing his name when the adoption was finalized. I, we, just assumed baby E would be the same. And we had every reason to believe it was. But, apparently we were wrong. Apparently, because of some ridiculous overextension of confidentiality, we aren't even allowed to know our own son's last name. That's right. I mean, I realize the adoption isn't finalized, so he legally isn't "our son", but, for the love of all things holy, come on!!!! I'm a social worker, a therapist, I get the importance of confidentiality, but this is ridiculous. I can hardly imagine the uproar (social services) foster parents would get into if this were extended to them, so why us?!!
I don't like the idea of changing his name, even though it's just his last name, and even though it happens all the time with kids/adoptions. To me, and this is just my opinion, I feel like it's another loss, the change of a name. He's already lost so much (his birth parents, his original culture because try as we may we can't replicate that, living with and being raised by people who look like him, just to start), I hate to take 1 more thing from him. Obviously, we will change it, because he is part of our family, but that doesn't mean I can't feel conflicted (and icky and irritated about it).
So, anyhoo, that's where we are with that. As far as being sickly, baby E only seems to be snotty right now. And by snotty, I mean super snotty, so snotty the poor baby is havin' a hard time breathing especially at night. That, of course, means we're not sleeping well, but that, sadly, is nothing new. He otherwise seems to be back to his happy, sweet self. I sure adore that little guy. And that kid, geez, he's a riot. I am one lucky momma.
Today's lesson - the sun is awesome. Even when you're not sleeping much or well, or are irritated because of stupid, archaic rules, it helps you get through the day. Temps in the 60's are pretty helpful, too. Bring on Spring!!!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Hodgepodge of stuff and funny things the kid's been saying lately
(NOTE: This was written last night, I'll let ya know when we move on to today)
Idk what was going on with baby E, but he seems mostly fine now. He's rather snotty, but is otherwise back to his smiley, babbling, sweet little self. And he slept 7 hours last night, with me only having to insert the paci 1x. That's pure awesomeness right there, people.
Here's are some funny things my kid has said recently, just for your laughing pleasure.
Last night, baby E was up again every 2 hours. What the heck, baby. Sigh...he's a sleeping tease, that one is. Also, I took him to get his 4mon shots (well, the ones we've decided to get) this morning. He was a bit pitiful, but it was better than last time. I hated leaving him at the sitter's but I just don't have any leave time at my new job yet, and the whole "this is a super flexible job" thing doesn't seem to have kicked in yet (suck). Hopefully he'll be okay...??? Good thing we have the best sitter ever.
Today's lesson - Did you know that 4+1 = 5? Apparently this is something only 5 year olds know. I've been told you are only capable of this kind of complicated addition when you're 5, before or after that it's "too much for your brain to comprehend". A 5 year old told me that, and since they know "like everything", it must be true. 5 year olds are funny little beings.
Idk what was going on with baby E, but he seems mostly fine now. He's rather snotty, but is otherwise back to his smiley, babbling, sweet little self. And he slept 7 hours last night, with me only having to insert the paci 1x. That's pure awesomeness right there, people.
Here's are some funny things my kid has said recently, just for your laughing pleasure.
- We were on a walk, well he was riding his bike and hubby and I were walking. He was going really slow. I kept asking him to catch up. He said, "Here I come. I'm faster than the average slowpoke, peeps. I sure am. Watch out already. The zoom is comin' though".
- He's been walking around, pointing out all the things he can do now that he's 5 "don'tcha know". Then he decided to point out that "five year olds don't actually have to do some things. You know, because I'm five. That means I'm even cooler than before".
- "Hey momma-woman. How you doin'?" (a la Joey from Friends) - where'd he pick that up?
- Yesterday the kid went to a birthday party at the local children's museum. Upon return, I asked him how it was. He grinned real big and said, "there were super pretty teenager girls there, momma. And a horse. And I got candy. Yeah, it was greatness".
Last night, baby E was up again every 2 hours. What the heck, baby. Sigh...he's a sleeping tease, that one is. Also, I took him to get his 4mon shots (well, the ones we've decided to get) this morning. He was a bit pitiful, but it was better than last time. I hated leaving him at the sitter's but I just don't have any leave time at my new job yet, and the whole "this is a super flexible job" thing doesn't seem to have kicked in yet (suck). Hopefully he'll be okay...??? Good thing we have the best sitter ever.
Today's lesson - Did you know that 4+1 = 5? Apparently this is something only 5 year olds know. I've been told you are only capable of this kind of complicated addition when you're 5, before or after that it's "too much for your brain to comprehend". A 5 year old told me that, and since they know "like everything", it must be true. 5 year olds are funny little beings.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Follow-Up re: Sick baby
So here's something funny. Baby E not only doesn't have an ear infection (thus, all that worry about antibiotics and whatnot for absolutely no reason - ha!), the pediatrician could find nothing wrong with him. No fever, ears looked "beautifully perfect", lungs were completely clear, etc... - healthy little dude. Sure, that should be good news, buuuuuttt, wellllll, he's still not himself so I am still worried (just not about the antibiotics, lol). He's still not sleeping for crap, just isn't his happy giggly self (though that has improved tonight), is rather snotty, and is still having a hard time nursing.
For now, I'm going to just keep close watch on baby E. Hopefully it's just a little cold that will be gone soon enough. And, for the love of pete, hopefully he'll start to sleep better soon!!!!!!!!!
Today's lesson - sometimes we can all be the overprotective/overly cautious parent. Also, all of the time, you should listen to your momma gut. If it tells you something wrong, listen to it.
For now, I'm going to just keep close watch on baby E. Hopefully it's just a little cold that will be gone soon enough. And, for the love of pete, hopefully he'll start to sleep better soon!!!!!!!!!
Today's lesson - sometimes we can all be the overprotective/overly cautious parent. Also, all of the time, you should listen to your momma gut. If it tells you something wrong, listen to it.
Poor little guy
So, I think baby E is sick. His first sick - boo :( Not sure what's wrong, but he just isn't acting like himself. There's the lack of sleeping (which has been getting progressively worse since Sunday night), lots of fussiness (which is so not like him at all - we haven't even seen a single smile in 24hrs), not wanting to be put down at all (now, those of you who know him may say this is normal for him, however, he'd gotten good about playing in the exersaucer or on his belly on the floor for a good 10-15min stretch; right now he won't tolerate it even 10-15seconds), eating weird (he's not missing a meal thus far, but he'll nurse for a few seconds, pull off, fuss, then repeat), and he's a little congested. He's also spitting up more than usual (he rarely spits up at all), though I think this may be related to us being out of breastmilk, so he's back on formula (til tomorrow when we pick up a new batch!).
All that said, I'm afraid he may have an ear infection. Poor little guy. I hated to leave him at the sitter's this morning, though I really had to come into work for a little while. I've made him an appointment with the pediatrician for noon. Hopefully we'll figure out what's going on and help the little guy feel better.
But, if it is an ear infection, that brings about a whole different set of issues. I can't remember if I've written about this before, but the kid had a couple of ear infections his first few years. With all (there were 3 or 4, I think), we were already at the doctor for something (usually a well child visit) when she noticed that he had it. He had exhibited no signs/symptoms of the infection at all. The first time, though my gut told me otherwise, I went ahead and let her convince me to give him the antibiotics. Yes, it was cleared up in 10 days. However, after that, I did a lot of research about ear infections and antibiotic use in general.
What I found was this (and no, I wish I had the citations to give you, but I don't right now) - antibiotic use in the first year of life increases risk of allergies and asthma in particular (I've mentioned the kid has asthma, and to the best of our knowledge, no one else in his birth family does); frequent antibiotic use is related to the development of "superbugs" which necessitate even stronger antibiotics that kill off all the bacteria in our bodies, even the good kinds; and, most surprisingly to me, nearly all ear infections (80+%) will resolve regardless of antibiotic use (i.e. the antibiotics aren't what cure most ear infections, they heal on their own).
So, we refused the antibiotics on the rest of the kid's ear infections, and they all cleared up beautifully without them and in the same amount of time (and he never developed any symptoms of discomfort at all). But, baby E is different. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Well, what is different is that he is obviously feeling awful! And I want to do whatever we need to to make the pitiful little thing feel better. But, that still doesn't mean that antibiotics would necessarily make him feel any better any faster. And, what's kind of funny about this, is that I don't know that he even has an ear infection so I'm going though all this worry and anxiety about whether or not to give him an antibiotic that hasn't even been prescribed.
Today's lesson - seems like I ought to remind myself of one I posted only a few days ago. There's no point in worrying about everything. You waste time and energy that you'll never get back. Yeah. That's what I'll keep reminding myself at least. I am finding, however, that this is easier said than done when it comes to your kids.
All that said, I'm afraid he may have an ear infection. Poor little guy. I hated to leave him at the sitter's this morning, though I really had to come into work for a little while. I've made him an appointment with the pediatrician for noon. Hopefully we'll figure out what's going on and help the little guy feel better.
But, if it is an ear infection, that brings about a whole different set of issues. I can't remember if I've written about this before, but the kid had a couple of ear infections his first few years. With all (there were 3 or 4, I think), we were already at the doctor for something (usually a well child visit) when she noticed that he had it. He had exhibited no signs/symptoms of the infection at all. The first time, though my gut told me otherwise, I went ahead and let her convince me to give him the antibiotics. Yes, it was cleared up in 10 days. However, after that, I did a lot of research about ear infections and antibiotic use in general.
What I found was this (and no, I wish I had the citations to give you, but I don't right now) - antibiotic use in the first year of life increases risk of allergies and asthma in particular (I've mentioned the kid has asthma, and to the best of our knowledge, no one else in his birth family does); frequent antibiotic use is related to the development of "superbugs" which necessitate even stronger antibiotics that kill off all the bacteria in our bodies, even the good kinds; and, most surprisingly to me, nearly all ear infections (80+%) will resolve regardless of antibiotic use (i.e. the antibiotics aren't what cure most ear infections, they heal on their own).
So, we refused the antibiotics on the rest of the kid's ear infections, and they all cleared up beautifully without them and in the same amount of time (and he never developed any symptoms of discomfort at all). But, baby E is different. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Well, what is different is that he is obviously feeling awful! And I want to do whatever we need to to make the pitiful little thing feel better. But, that still doesn't mean that antibiotics would necessarily make him feel any better any faster. And, what's kind of funny about this, is that I don't know that he even has an ear infection so I'm going though all this worry and anxiety about whether or not to give him an antibiotic that hasn't even been prescribed.
Today's lesson - seems like I ought to remind myself of one I posted only a few days ago. There's no point in worrying about everything. You waste time and energy that you'll never get back. Yeah. That's what I'll keep reminding myself at least. I am finding, however, that this is easier said than done when it comes to your kids.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Zzzzzzzz.......
I know I've posted for before about sleep...how I miss it...how much I enjoy it...how well I'm coping with not getting it. Honestly, though, I'm not coping so well right now. Baby E is actually sleeping less (or at least in shorter stints) than he was as a newborn. Then, he'd consistently sleep 3 hours at a time, and usually would go at least 1 longer period of 4-5 hours. And at least then I could nap during the day, since I was still home with him.
Let's take last night as an example of what's been going on the last week or so - nursed him at 10p, put him to sleep and then laid him down at 10:45p. 12:30a - he fussed, so I stuck the paci back in his mouth and patted him for several minutes. 2a - he fussed, I waited several minutes to see if he'd settle himself back to sleep, no go, he was starting -to really wake up and actually cry, so I stuck paci back in his mouth and patted him for several minutes, this wasn't working so hubby got up and rocked him (or something, I don't know, I fell back asleep). 3a - hubby put him in bed with me, took several minutes for him to settle back down. 415a - started squirming, stuck paci back in mouth and patted again. 545a - alarm went off, up I get for the day. So, if you do the math, the longest stretch I got was about 1hr 45min. I figure I probably got about 5.5hrs of sleep total. And, really, last night was better than the previous several nights. Yeah.
Someone was talking about dreams the other day and I was trying to remember the last one I had. No idea. I don't think I get to sleep long enough to even get into REM stage sleep. Now, I am not a napping kind of girl. And I am envious of those of you who can sleep in any situation, because the circumstances have to be just right for me to be able to fall asleep (quiet, non-busy location, no one else around, etc...). So the fact that I took a nap in my car with the windows down in the parking lot at lunch yesterday is rather significant. It told me what I had already started to notice, that I am utterly and completely exhausted.
A couple of mornings ago, I was driving the kid to school (baby E was also with us). I was going along and realized we were almost there and I had absolutely no recollection of our drive. I know that happens sometimes, you get used to going the same route and autopilot kicks in. But this was different. I couldn't recall whether the kid had been talking, or baby E was quiet or fussing, or anything. It dawned on me that I really shouldn't be driving, it probably wasn't safe for anyone, especially my kids.
Also, though I certainly get cranky with hubby - and even sometimes the kid - when I'm tired, I've never gotten frustrated with baby E. Until the night before last. It wasn't anything major (I just slightly raised my voice and said "Oh, come on, just go to sleep already"), but still. It was the first time I've felt frustrated with him. And he puckered his little face up and looked like, well, like someone who he adores had just yelled at him. So, I cried, and still feel guilty. (I know, it happens to the best of us, I'm just going to feel bad about it.)
So, what am I going to do about it? Yeah, I have no flippin' idea. Cry-it-out isn't an option for us. We already swaddle him (and have also tried not swaddling him - that was even worse). He sleeps in our room for a variety of reasons (it's best practice regarding lowering the risk of SIDS, he's up so many times that it's easier than running back and forth to his room all night, etc...). He has a consistent bedtime routine, it doesn't always include a bath/shower, but whether or not it does doesn't seem to affect how well he sleeps. Also, he isn't eating at night, and doesn't seem hungry. But, even when we do feed him, that also doesn't seem to affect how well/long he sleeps. It is possible that he's teething right now, which may account for all of this, but we've tried teething rings (cold and room temperature) and even Tylenol, neither of which have helped.
Today's lesson - I'm much too tired to come up with one. BUT, I would really like for you all to give me one. Please, please, pretty pretty please give me some ideas about what we can do to get this crazy baby to start sleeping better.
Let's take last night as an example of what's been going on the last week or so - nursed him at 10p, put him to sleep and then laid him down at 10:45p. 12:30a - he fussed, so I stuck the paci back in his mouth and patted him for several minutes. 2a - he fussed, I waited several minutes to see if he'd settle himself back to sleep, no go, he was starting -to really wake up and actually cry, so I stuck paci back in his mouth and patted him for several minutes, this wasn't working so hubby got up and rocked him (or something, I don't know, I fell back asleep). 3a - hubby put him in bed with me, took several minutes for him to settle back down. 415a - started squirming, stuck paci back in mouth and patted again. 545a - alarm went off, up I get for the day. So, if you do the math, the longest stretch I got was about 1hr 45min. I figure I probably got about 5.5hrs of sleep total. And, really, last night was better than the previous several nights. Yeah.
Someone was talking about dreams the other day and I was trying to remember the last one I had. No idea. I don't think I get to sleep long enough to even get into REM stage sleep. Now, I am not a napping kind of girl. And I am envious of those of you who can sleep in any situation, because the circumstances have to be just right for me to be able to fall asleep (quiet, non-busy location, no one else around, etc...). So the fact that I took a nap in my car with the windows down in the parking lot at lunch yesterday is rather significant. It told me what I had already started to notice, that I am utterly and completely exhausted.
A couple of mornings ago, I was driving the kid to school (baby E was also with us). I was going along and realized we were almost there and I had absolutely no recollection of our drive. I know that happens sometimes, you get used to going the same route and autopilot kicks in. But this was different. I couldn't recall whether the kid had been talking, or baby E was quiet or fussing, or anything. It dawned on me that I really shouldn't be driving, it probably wasn't safe for anyone, especially my kids.
Also, though I certainly get cranky with hubby - and even sometimes the kid - when I'm tired, I've never gotten frustrated with baby E. Until the night before last. It wasn't anything major (I just slightly raised my voice and said "Oh, come on, just go to sleep already"), but still. It was the first time I've felt frustrated with him. And he puckered his little face up and looked like, well, like someone who he adores had just yelled at him. So, I cried, and still feel guilty. (I know, it happens to the best of us, I'm just going to feel bad about it.)
So, what am I going to do about it? Yeah, I have no flippin' idea. Cry-it-out isn't an option for us. We already swaddle him (and have also tried not swaddling him - that was even worse). He sleeps in our room for a variety of reasons (it's best practice regarding lowering the risk of SIDS, he's up so many times that it's easier than running back and forth to his room all night, etc...). He has a consistent bedtime routine, it doesn't always include a bath/shower, but whether or not it does doesn't seem to affect how well he sleeps. Also, he isn't eating at night, and doesn't seem hungry. But, even when we do feed him, that also doesn't seem to affect how well/long he sleeps. It is possible that he's teething right now, which may account for all of this, but we've tried teething rings (cold and room temperature) and even Tylenol, neither of which have helped.
Today's lesson - I'm much too tired to come up with one. BUT, I would really like for you all to give me one. Please, please, pretty pretty please give me some ideas about what we can do to get this crazy baby to start sleeping better.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Guessing Games
Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about how different my boys are. I mean, there are the obvious differences (i.e. the kid is always jonesin' to be the center of attention, whereas baby E is happy as long as he has the rapt attention of 1 person). But, as I really thought about them, what I realized is the main difference between the two is this - I know what to expect from the kid. I can pretty much predict what he will do, or how he will react in any given situation. I can pretty much determine from any look he gives me what kind of mood he's in, or if he's done something he knows he shouldn't have. From the tone of his voice, I know whether he's hungry, tired, both, or just bored. I know him.
Baby E, though, well he's a whole different story. Now, I realize he is isn't yet 5 months old, and the kid is 5 years old. Big difference right there. But, I remember that the kid was really good, even as a baby, at making me feel like a competent parent. Because he was so easy for me to read and was so consistent about eating, sleeping, playing, etc..., it was easy to know what he needed. He schedulized himself, and practically printed off a copy for us.
Baby E is the opposite of consistent. He has nothing even akin to a schedule. Or, if he does, he sure hasn't clued us into it. He eats, sleeps, plays, well, whenever the heck he wants. Some mornings he wakes up at 7, cranky and still tired. Others he up at 5:45, happy as a clam. Sometimes during the day he can go 4-5hours between feedings, and only eat because I'm worried and offer, others, after an hour and a half he acts like he's starving. My friend M (also baby E's awesomely awesome babysitter) will be like "oh, that sounds like a tired cry, isn't it?" and I'm all like "uh, sure. Let's try that". It all seems like a guessing game with baby E, and a fumbling one at that.
It's interesting (to me at least), that I bonded with baby E hard and fast, whereas it was kind of a long process with the kid. So, you'd think, or at least I would think, that I would have a better handle on baby E's cues and needs than I did the kid's. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I do actually know what he needs, but we're so in tune that I just do it, without really thinking about it. With the kid, however, because he was on a schedule (that, really, he self-imposed around 2 months of age), I relied on the clock more than my instincts, but instincts seem to be all I have to go on with baby E. I do feel like baby E cries less than the kid used to. But again, who knows whether that has to do with my superduper momma skills (ha!), or just his temperament. No idea. Again, that baby's just a guessing game.
Today's lesson - every child is different. The manner in which you parent every child has to be different. Never think you have it all figured out, because your child is there to prove to you that you don't. Don't think of that as a bad thing. Think of it as being a lifelong learner. That seems like a gentler way to say "Yup, sometimes I have no idea what's going on".
Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day. I hope yours is full of love!!
Baby E, though, well he's a whole different story. Now, I realize he is isn't yet 5 months old, and the kid is 5 years old. Big difference right there. But, I remember that the kid was really good, even as a baby, at making me feel like a competent parent. Because he was so easy for me to read and was so consistent about eating, sleeping, playing, etc..., it was easy to know what he needed. He schedulized himself, and practically printed off a copy for us.
Baby E is the opposite of consistent. He has nothing even akin to a schedule. Or, if he does, he sure hasn't clued us into it. He eats, sleeps, plays, well, whenever the heck he wants. Some mornings he wakes up at 7, cranky and still tired. Others he up at 5:45, happy as a clam. Sometimes during the day he can go 4-5hours between feedings, and only eat because I'm worried and offer, others, after an hour and a half he acts like he's starving. My friend M (also baby E's awesomely awesome babysitter) will be like "oh, that sounds like a tired cry, isn't it?" and I'm all like "uh, sure. Let's try that". It all seems like a guessing game with baby E, and a fumbling one at that.
It's interesting (to me at least), that I bonded with baby E hard and fast, whereas it was kind of a long process with the kid. So, you'd think, or at least I would think, that I would have a better handle on baby E's cues and needs than I did the kid's. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I do actually know what he needs, but we're so in tune that I just do it, without really thinking about it. With the kid, however, because he was on a schedule (that, really, he self-imposed around 2 months of age), I relied on the clock more than my instincts, but instincts seem to be all I have to go on with baby E. I do feel like baby E cries less than the kid used to. But again, who knows whether that has to do with my superduper momma skills (ha!), or just his temperament. No idea. Again, that baby's just a guessing game.
Today's lesson - every child is different. The manner in which you parent every child has to be different. Never think you have it all figured out, because your child is there to prove to you that you don't. Don't think of that as a bad thing. Think of it as being a lifelong learner. That seems like a gentler way to say "Yup, sometimes I have no idea what's going on".
Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day. I hope yours is full of love!!
Friday, February 11, 2011
I love my friends :)
Today I want to talk about my friends. I have such a variety of friends, from ones I see regularly (M, who is also baby E's babysitter - I see her every morning when I drop him off and we usually have a quick chat, which is a great way to start my morning!), to those who have never met and only "talk" to via FB every once in a while. I have friends whom I've known since I was in elementary school, to those whom I've met within the last year. Friends who live in my neighborhood, friends who live in different countries. Probably you have friends who fit under all of these categories, too, and are wondering why I'm stating the obvious (I have friends, yay me!).
Here's why...I think I have awesome friends and I so appreciate them. And so I just wanted to thank them. Here are a few of the awesome things our friends have done for us lately - JE baked, decorated, and brought us beautiful cookies knowing we would probably need a little pick-me-up when we were supposed to have a a visit with birthdad and she also is making an awesome tractor cake for the kid's birthday party Sunday; M wasn't looking for any more kiddos to babysit, but offered to keep baby E for us because she could tell I was freaking out not being able to find anyone who was right; so many of you sending birthday wishes to the kid and letting us know that you, too, love him; Silly Bob remembering (without us mentioning it first) why the Superbowl is so meaningful to us; and K, whom I have never met in person, asking for prayers for us from everyone she knows when R was considering changing her mind about us parenting baby E.
Each of you has played a significant role in our lives. I just want you to know we see the love to shower upon us and we are sending it back to you, even if it isn't obvious.
Today's lesson - we all sometimes fail those we care about. Sometimes all we can think about is how others' have failed us. Sometimes all we can think about when we're offered love and friendship is what will now be required of us. I would suggest that by focusing on those failings of others' and what we in turn may "owe" them, we are really failing ourselves. We are preventing ourselves from being able to experience the love others are offering to share with us. We are preventing others from loving us. So, accept the cookies without guilt. Accept the kind words of support when offered from the friend whom you haven't heard from in 10 years. Allow the friend to decide what she can handle, what is in her own best interest when she offers to care for your child. Send prayers of thanksgiving for the friend who offered up prayers for you. Be open to love in all it's forms. Each of those moments and expressions is a gift. Accept it with grace.
Here's why...I think I have awesome friends and I so appreciate them. And so I just wanted to thank them. Here are a few of the awesome things our friends have done for us lately - JE baked, decorated, and brought us beautiful cookies knowing we would probably need a little pick-me-up when we were supposed to have a a visit with birthdad and she also is making an awesome tractor cake for the kid's birthday party Sunday; M wasn't looking for any more kiddos to babysit, but offered to keep baby E for us because she could tell I was freaking out not being able to find anyone who was right; so many of you sending birthday wishes to the kid and letting us know that you, too, love him; Silly Bob remembering (without us mentioning it first) why the Superbowl is so meaningful to us; and K, whom I have never met in person, asking for prayers for us from everyone she knows when R was considering changing her mind about us parenting baby E.
Each of you has played a significant role in our lives. I just want you to know we see the love to shower upon us and we are sending it back to you, even if it isn't obvious.
Today's lesson - we all sometimes fail those we care about. Sometimes all we can think about is how others' have failed us. Sometimes all we can think about when we're offered love and friendship is what will now be required of us. I would suggest that by focusing on those failings of others' and what we in turn may "owe" them, we are really failing ourselves. We are preventing ourselves from being able to experience the love others are offering to share with us. We are preventing others from loving us. So, accept the cookies without guilt. Accept the kind words of support when offered from the friend whom you haven't heard from in 10 years. Allow the friend to decide what she can handle, what is in her own best interest when she offers to care for your child. Send prayers of thanksgiving for the friend who offered up prayers for you. Be open to love in all it's forms. Each of those moments and expressions is a gift. Accept it with grace.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The Kid is 5!
Today is my baby's birthday. Today at 9:12am.
Today I remember a phone call that abruptly woke me at about 4am...A social worker's voice saying L was in labor and wanted us to be there...A hurried shower because I wasn't going to meet my baby with bedhead...The longest drive ever that involved THREE (!!!!!!!!!) stops at different gas stations because hubby just HAD to have some freaking Mt Dew (my bad, Diet Mt Dew) and the first two places didn't have any...The nervous giddiness that this was really happening...Getting lost in the hospital because we parked in the wrong lot...Thinking that L looked really laid back (she'd just gotten her epidural when we arrived)...Hubby's terrified face when L said we could both be in the delivery room and the social worker told him that if she had to go in, so did he...Hubby cowering in the corner, hiding half his face...The humor of seeing pee arc up into the air and hit the doctor nearly in his face...The momentary sinking feeling I experienced when I realized that girls just didn't do that; we had a son, not the daughter I'd wanted...the joy I experienced when I held that tiny boy in my arms and realized that child was meant to be mine...the tears of happiness that I was FINALLY a mother.
That baby, my kid, gave me a most precious gift; he made me a mother, the thing I'd wanted so desparately for years. And, for the lat 5 years, he's taught me what that means, the challenges, the awesomeness, the hard parts, the hilarity, the exhaustion, the joy. That kid is simply the best and I am amazed at the ferocity of my love for him.
Today I appreciate who he is - his sense of humor...his compassion for others...his perpetual energy (yes, even this)...his intellect...his empathy...his love for his brother, and our whole family...his gentleness...his leadership abilities...his love of music and all things loud...his concern for others...his dancin' skills...his love of all things outdoors, especially sticks, rocks, camping, and hiking...his lack of fear of the water...his sparkling eyes...his joy...his enormous capacity for/to love...him.
Happy Birthday, kid. There are so many people who love you. I am but one of them. Thank you for being you.
Today's lesson - today is also the day of the year I send constant love to a couple who we love for giving us this amazing creature. Thank you, L and D, where ever you are. We're thinking of you always, but most especially today.
Today I remember a phone call that abruptly woke me at about 4am...A social worker's voice saying L was in labor and wanted us to be there...A hurried shower because I wasn't going to meet my baby with bedhead...The longest drive ever that involved THREE (!!!!!!!!!) stops at different gas stations because hubby just HAD to have some freaking Mt Dew (my bad, Diet Mt Dew) and the first two places didn't have any...The nervous giddiness that this was really happening...Getting lost in the hospital because we parked in the wrong lot...Thinking that L looked really laid back (she'd just gotten her epidural when we arrived)...Hubby's terrified face when L said we could both be in the delivery room and the social worker told him that if she had to go in, so did he...Hubby cowering in the corner, hiding half his face...The humor of seeing pee arc up into the air and hit the doctor nearly in his face...The momentary sinking feeling I experienced when I realized that girls just didn't do that; we had a son, not the daughter I'd wanted...the joy I experienced when I held that tiny boy in my arms and realized that child was meant to be mine...the tears of happiness that I was FINALLY a mother.
That baby, my kid, gave me a most precious gift; he made me a mother, the thing I'd wanted so desparately for years. And, for the lat 5 years, he's taught me what that means, the challenges, the awesomeness, the hard parts, the hilarity, the exhaustion, the joy. That kid is simply the best and I am amazed at the ferocity of my love for him.
Today I appreciate who he is - his sense of humor...his compassion for others...his perpetual energy (yes, even this)...his intellect...his empathy...his love for his brother, and our whole family...his gentleness...his leadership abilities...his love of music and all things loud...his concern for others...his dancin' skills...his love of all things outdoors, especially sticks, rocks, camping, and hiking...his lack of fear of the water...his sparkling eyes...his joy...his enormous capacity for/to love...him.
Happy Birthday, kid. There are so many people who love you. I am but one of them. Thank you for being you.
Today's lesson - today is also the day of the year I send constant love to a couple who we love for giving us this amazing creature. Thank you, L and D, where ever you are. We're thinking of you always, but most especially today.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Why today is special
Today is the anniversary of the day we first met the kid's birth parents. We had known they wanted to meet us for just 4-5 days. I was in planning mode. Hubby was in panic-shutdown mode. Those are just our roles when something big's about to happen. A visit was scheduled for Superbowl Sunday. We drove to their house in silence. Our social workers were meeting us there. I felt very nervous and tend to talk even more when in that state, some might consider it babbling. That's exactly what I did. But so did birthdad. He's also a talker. Hubby was very quiet, nearly comatose. Birthmom was also very quiet. I learned soon enough that she is just a really quiet kind of person. Our visit lasted longer than I'd expected, longer, I think, than our social worker's had expected.
We were thinking this whole time that it was a "let's meet them and see if we like them" kind of deal. But, after being there for most of the visit, I realized that they had already made their decision, before we ever arrived. Upon getting ready to leave, they asked us if we had names picked out yet. Birthdad reiterated, "this is your baby. I hope you're ready for him or her". They hadn't yet had any prenatal care so didn't know baby's gender. (Actually, we didn't know at all til the kid peed all over the doctor after delivery - dude, girls just don't do that.)
As we walked out of the house, this glazed look came over hubby's face. Frankly it stayed there til, well, probably til the kid was about a month old. After leaving, we went over to my mom's house, where I gushed about our meeting, and hubby sat there stone-faced. Then we went to a Superbowl party with camping friends. And there we first shared our news. For the first time, I got to say we were going to be parents, we were going to have a baby. It was surreal. It was amazing. It was 5 years ago today. I can hardly even begin to articulate how our lives have changed.
So today, on Superbowl Sunday, I celebrate for a different reason. I could care less about some football game. Honestly, I have no idea who's even playing. I don't even care that much about the commercials. I do enjoy the food though. Today I chose to remember the way my life changed in the biggest way. And the people who made that possible. L and D, where ever you are, today I thank you and send you extra gratitude, love and prayers.
Today's lesson - some things are worth celebrating. The day you learned you were going to be a parent is one of them.
We were thinking this whole time that it was a "let's meet them and see if we like them" kind of deal. But, after being there for most of the visit, I realized that they had already made their decision, before we ever arrived. Upon getting ready to leave, they asked us if we had names picked out yet. Birthdad reiterated, "this is your baby. I hope you're ready for him or her". They hadn't yet had any prenatal care so didn't know baby's gender. (Actually, we didn't know at all til the kid peed all over the doctor after delivery - dude, girls just don't do that.)
As we walked out of the house, this glazed look came over hubby's face. Frankly it stayed there til, well, probably til the kid was about a month old. After leaving, we went over to my mom's house, where I gushed about our meeting, and hubby sat there stone-faced. Then we went to a Superbowl party with camping friends. And there we first shared our news. For the first time, I got to say we were going to be parents, we were going to have a baby. It was surreal. It was amazing. It was 5 years ago today. I can hardly even begin to articulate how our lives have changed.
So today, on Superbowl Sunday, I celebrate for a different reason. I could care less about some football game. Honestly, I have no idea who's even playing. I don't even care that much about the commercials. I do enjoy the food though. Today I chose to remember the way my life changed in the biggest way. And the people who made that possible. L and D, where ever you are, today I thank you and send you extra gratitude, love and prayers.
Today's lesson - some things are worth celebrating. The day you learned you were going to be a parent is one of them.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Today's visit with birthdad
All that worry and angst for nothin'. Birthdad canceled visit today. He said he had to go out of town,out of the state actually, for some mysterious reason. He wanted to reschedule for next week, but I'm starting my new job next week, so that won't work. I have a feeling that this whole relationship with him is just going to be unpredictable and...strange...Okay, so it is what it is. And now hubby and I get to have a dinner out, just us, well and baby E. The kid is still going to have his Gram date. All is good.
Today's lesson - there really is little point in worrying incessantly about something. It could all change and you will have wasted that energy for nothing, and it'll be time you'll never get back.
Today's lesson - there really is little point in worrying incessantly about something. It could all change and you will have wasted that energy for nothing, and it'll be time you'll never get back.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Birthdad
So I haven't written much about birthdad - D. Until today. Today I'm going to talk about him. Because we're meeting him tomorrow. For the first time. And I'm nervous about it. To be honest, I'm all kinds of freaking out about it.
When baby E was born, and until recently, D was unavailable and not substantially in the picture. Well, he's back, or should I say, here. And he wants to see baby E. Why, you ask, are you freaking out about this? Well, yes, we do want an open adoption with all of baby E's birth family, including D. It's just that the contact we've had with him thus far has been...ummmm... awkward...uncomfortable...something. First, the adoption was not his plan. Also, he wasn't particularly pleased about it, especially at first. He did agree to terminate his rights because he agreed that neither he nor R were in a position to parent baby E, but he less than happy about it.
We received a letter from him, which was...odd. He is, to say the least, less than thrilled about my nursing baby E, which he made clear in his letter. I mean, I completely understand why it's probably weird for him (not knowing it was even possible, seeing someone else have that intimate of a connection with "his" child, etc...), but it just makes things more uncomfortable for me. It means that I will have to excuse us from the room if baby E decides he needs to eat tomorrow while we're there. I normally nurse where ever, whenever, but this just seems like a time to be respectful of D, and keep things as opposite of weird as possible for all of us. Hopefully baby E just doesn't need to eat then and it's a non-issue.
So, then there's the whole part where I feel pretty certain that he's going to refer to baby E as his son. And while I feel like I will be less affected by this than I would have been pre-TPR, I know it will be uncomfortable and probably set off my momma-bear instincts. I have a feeling that that will be really difficult for hubby too, to have someone else referring to himself as our child's father.
We were going to take the kid with us (didn't think that through very well at first). Fortunately, my mom has generously agreed to have a "gram date" with him so we won't have to do that.
So, here's hoping things go well tomorrow. Or just don't go badly. I don't really know what "well" looks like anyway.
Today's lesson - my house is infinitely quieter during the day. And I am infinitely more productive. Even when holding a baby all day.
When baby E was born, and until recently, D was unavailable and not substantially in the picture. Well, he's back, or should I say, here. And he wants to see baby E. Why, you ask, are you freaking out about this? Well, yes, we do want an open adoption with all of baby E's birth family, including D. It's just that the contact we've had with him thus far has been...ummmm... awkward...uncomfortable...something. First, the adoption was not his plan. Also, he wasn't particularly pleased about it, especially at first. He did agree to terminate his rights because he agreed that neither he nor R were in a position to parent baby E, but he less than happy about it.
We received a letter from him, which was...odd. He is, to say the least, less than thrilled about my nursing baby E, which he made clear in his letter. I mean, I completely understand why it's probably weird for him (not knowing it was even possible, seeing someone else have that intimate of a connection with "his" child, etc...), but it just makes things more uncomfortable for me. It means that I will have to excuse us from the room if baby E decides he needs to eat tomorrow while we're there. I normally nurse where ever, whenever, but this just seems like a time to be respectful of D, and keep things as opposite of weird as possible for all of us. Hopefully baby E just doesn't need to eat then and it's a non-issue.
So, then there's the whole part where I feel pretty certain that he's going to refer to baby E as his son. And while I feel like I will be less affected by this than I would have been pre-TPR, I know it will be uncomfortable and probably set off my momma-bear instincts. I have a feeling that that will be really difficult for hubby too, to have someone else referring to himself as our child's father.
We were going to take the kid with us (didn't think that through very well at first). Fortunately, my mom has generously agreed to have a "gram date" with him so we won't have to do that.
So, here's hoping things go well tomorrow. Or just don't go badly. I don't really know what "well" looks like anyway.
Today's lesson - my house is infinitely quieter during the day. And I am infinitely more productive. Even when holding a baby all day.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Change
What to write about today........ I could write about how awesome it is that after only 4 days sans formula, baby E's eczema is virtually GONE. Or how I am loving being a SAHM for this short time before starting my new job. Or how fabulous my husband was to me today for letting me sleep in til 9:30. Or how excited I was (heck, am!) that baby E slept 7 straight hours last night. That really was freaking awesome (hummm, exclusive breastmilk again = sleeping through the night again...interesting...). Or how wonderful it was to get outside finally this weekend because the temperature finally went above 40 degrees.
But, instead, I think I'll write about how my baby (and by that I mean, the kid) is growing up. In 10 days, my kiddo will be 5. There have been little signs lately, constantly reminding me about how he's getting older. His nap is starting to get shorter and shorter. I fear we will soon lose it all together. I will grieve for this nap. Seriously, I will cry. I need this nap. His attention span for one activity is lengthening, especially for things he's really into. Right now it's these cool building things my aunt gave him. I am absolutely amazed at the things he builds - from dinosaurs that actually look like dinosaurs, to elaborate vehicles. It's so cool to see his imagination come into reality.
He rarely talks about his "14 sisters" anymore, which is a little sad for me. They played such a huge part in his life for so long, I kinda miss them. It seems like once baby E came into the picture, he no longer needed them anymore. Interesting that a real brother negated the need for 14 imaginary sisters. I am grateful for that, though.
His behavior in general is improving. For example, the last few weeks at church have been much better for all of us. Normally, that hour is one of the most stressful of my week. It involves constantly telling him to whisper, stop, don't, no, stay still, etc... - you get the idea. This usually falls on me because he seems to inevitably want to sit next to me, away from hubby. I often walk out of mass wanting to literally pull my own hair out, or shake him senseless, or shake hubby senseless just because. However, the last couple of weeks have necessitated only a couple of gentle reminders about appropriate behavior. And those reminders have not elicited the typical loud protesting response. Instead, he has actually done what I've asked him. It's like a miracle.
And, worst of all, my baby is going to go to kindergarten in the fall and we have to register him in 2 weeks. KINDERGARTEN!!!!!!! I'm actually trying to avoid thinking about this because just the thought is completely traumatic.
No other birthday has seemed so significant, not even his first, as this 5th birthday. It seems like a move from babyhood into childhood. And though I have no doubt that my baby is ready for this transition, and indeed has already started to make it, I am hesitant for the inevitable to happen.
Today's lesson - Change is good. It's often excruciatingly painful and ugly. But the end result is growth. And growth is good. Really good. Right?
But, instead, I think I'll write about how my baby (and by that I mean, the kid) is growing up. In 10 days, my kiddo will be 5. There have been little signs lately, constantly reminding me about how he's getting older. His nap is starting to get shorter and shorter. I fear we will soon lose it all together. I will grieve for this nap. Seriously, I will cry. I need this nap. His attention span for one activity is lengthening, especially for things he's really into. Right now it's these cool building things my aunt gave him. I am absolutely amazed at the things he builds - from dinosaurs that actually look like dinosaurs, to elaborate vehicles. It's so cool to see his imagination come into reality.
He rarely talks about his "14 sisters" anymore, which is a little sad for me. They played such a huge part in his life for so long, I kinda miss them. It seems like once baby E came into the picture, he no longer needed them anymore. Interesting that a real brother negated the need for 14 imaginary sisters. I am grateful for that, though.
His behavior in general is improving. For example, the last few weeks at church have been much better for all of us. Normally, that hour is one of the most stressful of my week. It involves constantly telling him to whisper, stop, don't, no, stay still, etc... - you get the idea. This usually falls on me because he seems to inevitably want to sit next to me, away from hubby. I often walk out of mass wanting to literally pull my own hair out, or shake him senseless, or shake hubby senseless just because. However, the last couple of weeks have necessitated only a couple of gentle reminders about appropriate behavior. And those reminders have not elicited the typical loud protesting response. Instead, he has actually done what I've asked him. It's like a miracle.
And, worst of all, my baby is going to go to kindergarten in the fall and we have to register him in 2 weeks. KINDERGARTEN!!!!!!! I'm actually trying to avoid thinking about this because just the thought is completely traumatic.
No other birthday has seemed so significant, not even his first, as this 5th birthday. It seems like a move from babyhood into childhood. And though I have no doubt that my baby is ready for this transition, and indeed has already started to make it, I am hesitant for the inevitable to happen.
Today's lesson - Change is good. It's often excruciatingly painful and ugly. But the end result is growth. And growth is good. Really good. Right?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It Takes a Village
This is a concept I've been mulling over in my head for some time. What does it mean "it takes a village" and how does that apply to my life, in my family?
I started thinking about it after a class (graduate level social work child assessment and treatment) when we were talking about risk and protective factors (i.e. a protective factor for a child would be living in a high socioeconomic status family, or having other supportive adults in his/her life). Surprisingly (to me at least), the professor said that living in a family where there are 4 or more children is actually a risk factor. Now, this was surprising for several reasons (uh, 15 years of being a social worker, or being in school to be one and I've never heard this before) but mostly because when I think of the large families I know, they aren't ones that I've served as a social worker. In fact, they're often the most well functioning families I know (related tangent - have you seen the Duggars??!! O.M.G. One day I will be as patient and well organized of a mother as that woman. Or not. I will continue to dream about it at least). I mentioned this to the group I was talking with and one of them said that it was because the older children are "parentified", which is not a good thing to be in social work world and basically means that a child is acting as the parent, taking on adult roles.
As I thought more about that, though, I disagreed. Yes, older children in large families often take on caregiving roles of the younger children, but this doesn't make them parentified. When I think back to how families functioned 70-100+ years ago, that's just how things worked. Once children were weaned, they were sent out to run around with their siblings. Have you ever noticed how mesmerized children are with other children? Rarely are other children so interested in adults as they are other kids. This is just how it's supposed to work. Instead, as parents today, we seem to feel like it's our responsibility to entertain and "educate" our kids every waking moment. But what kids today often miss out on is their own little tribe of peers. Where are the village kids? I want my kids, who will not be growing up in a large family - because, lets be honest, adoption is super expensive - to have their own tribe of kids of varying ages to learn from, model behavior, and be able to count on.
And then I started thinking about open adoption and how it really falls into the whole "it takes a village" mentality. While, of course, birth families are not in the parental role, they are certainly part of my kids' village. They're other people who provide support, information, education (about who they are!), and love to my sons. They're other people who I know will look out for my boys as they grow into men.
And then (I know, how can there possibly be more??!), I thought about baby E's new milk mommies and how they are also part of our village. They have provided love in liquid form, giving him one of the most basic of needs, the best nourishment possible. Also, when I think about how breastmilk provides antibodies, can you imagine the amazing plethora of antibodies he's getting to all kinds of illnesses from all the different women. He's gonna be like the healthiest baby ever! :)
The role of the village is to provide kids with holistic care. Parents can not be everything to every child. In fact, no one of us can ever be everything to any one other person. The village is there to fill out those needs and roles. So, today, there are two more special people in baby E's village. Our village runneth over, y'all.
Today's lesson - According to the kid he is "always right. No, Superman, you are right most of the time, except when I'm right, which is, like, all the time. Just accept my words as right". Yeah, I think this may be problematic as he gets older. I'm pretty sure we're really going to need a whole village to raise this one.
I started thinking about it after a class (graduate level social work child assessment and treatment) when we were talking about risk and protective factors (i.e. a protective factor for a child would be living in a high socioeconomic status family, or having other supportive adults in his/her life). Surprisingly (to me at least), the professor said that living in a family where there are 4 or more children is actually a risk factor. Now, this was surprising for several reasons (uh, 15 years of being a social worker, or being in school to be one and I've never heard this before) but mostly because when I think of the large families I know, they aren't ones that I've served as a social worker. In fact, they're often the most well functioning families I know (related tangent - have you seen the Duggars??!! O.M.G. One day I will be as patient and well organized of a mother as that woman. Or not. I will continue to dream about it at least). I mentioned this to the group I was talking with and one of them said that it was because the older children are "parentified", which is not a good thing to be in social work world and basically means that a child is acting as the parent, taking on adult roles.
As I thought more about that, though, I disagreed. Yes, older children in large families often take on caregiving roles of the younger children, but this doesn't make them parentified. When I think back to how families functioned 70-100+ years ago, that's just how things worked. Once children were weaned, they were sent out to run around with their siblings. Have you ever noticed how mesmerized children are with other children? Rarely are other children so interested in adults as they are other kids. This is just how it's supposed to work. Instead, as parents today, we seem to feel like it's our responsibility to entertain and "educate" our kids every waking moment. But what kids today often miss out on is their own little tribe of peers. Where are the village kids? I want my kids, who will not be growing up in a large family - because, lets be honest, adoption is super expensive - to have their own tribe of kids of varying ages to learn from, model behavior, and be able to count on.
And then I started thinking about open adoption and how it really falls into the whole "it takes a village" mentality. While, of course, birth families are not in the parental role, they are certainly part of my kids' village. They're other people who provide support, information, education (about who they are!), and love to my sons. They're other people who I know will look out for my boys as they grow into men.
And then (I know, how can there possibly be more??!), I thought about baby E's new milk mommies and how they are also part of our village. They have provided love in liquid form, giving him one of the most basic of needs, the best nourishment possible. Also, when I think about how breastmilk provides antibodies, can you imagine the amazing plethora of antibodies he's getting to all kinds of illnesses from all the different women. He's gonna be like the healthiest baby ever! :)
The role of the village is to provide kids with holistic care. Parents can not be everything to every child. In fact, no one of us can ever be everything to any one other person. The village is there to fill out those needs and roles. So, today, there are two more special people in baby E's village. Our village runneth over, y'all.
Today's lesson - According to the kid he is "always right. No, Superman, you are right most of the time, except when I'm right, which is, like, all the time. Just accept my words as right". Yeah, I think this may be problematic as he gets older. I'm pretty sure we're really going to need a whole village to raise this one.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Yesterday's lesson
I just realized that I forgot to write a lesson yesterday. I was so nervous about putting that post out into the world, that I completely forgot. I didn't really have one prepared anyway. And what I ended up with was a lesson for me.
I was so afraid that what I would get would be negative reactions, albiet good intentioned ones. I was afraid that what I would get would be comments leading me to have to - or at least want to - further defend our decision. I was afraid that what I would get would be anything but supportive. And what I ended up getting, was a whole host of love and support. What I ended up getting was a cheerleading section, further encouraging me in milksharing. What I ended up getting was the words of the experienced, wise women who have been before me. What I ended up getting was the opposite of what I'd expected.
And my lesson? Sometimes when you expect the worst, you get the best. And that my friends, old and new, is an awesome lesson to have learned.
I was so afraid that what I would get would be negative reactions, albiet good intentioned ones. I was afraid that what I would get would be comments leading me to have to - or at least want to - further defend our decision. I was afraid that what I would get would be anything but supportive. And what I ended up getting, was a whole host of love and support. What I ended up getting was a cheerleading section, further encouraging me in milksharing. What I ended up getting was the words of the experienced, wise women who have been before me. What I ended up getting was the opposite of what I'd expected.
And my lesson? Sometimes when you expect the worst, you get the best. And that my friends, old and new, is an awesome lesson to have learned.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Milk Mommies
I am hesitant to even write this post. I know it will bring up stuff for other people who may then direct it to me. But, well, I've never had a good filter in the real world, so why would I in the blogging one. So, here goes.
As I'm typing this, I'm nursing baby E. This is, apparently, a controversial issue in and of itself, ya know, since I didn't give birth to him and all, but it isn't what I'm about to spill. Mine and baby E's nursing relationship has always involved, and always will, an SNS (supplemental nursing system), which is like a bottle with little tubes coming out of it (also not the surprising part of this post). So, while he nurses and gets whatever breastmilk I produce, he also gets formula from the SNS. But sometimes it's not formula (here it comes). Sometimes it's donated breastmilk. You know, from other mothers. Some of whom I have never met, except when I picked up milk from them. To date, baby E has had the breastmilk of 4 different mommas, including me. Hopefully this week we'll be getting milk from 2 more mommies, each from different parts of the state.
Okay, so before I get into the "why" of our reasons for doing this, let me address the safety concerns many of you now have running through your brains. Yes, (very few) diseases can be passed through breastmilk. Yes, (certain) medications can be passed through breastmilk. Pregnant women are routinely tested for those diseases. The women who pumped that milk , did so with the intention of giving to their own babies. They would not have done so if they were doing anything that could negatively affect their own children. Yes, we are taking somewhat of a risk, but it's minimal. So, here's why...
Had I given birth to baby E, he would have been EBF (exclusively breastfed). As much effort as I put into inducing lactation this time, the actual output is small. I figure I make about an ounce of breastmilk per feeding. That's about 25% of what he needs. Yes, that's great for someone who didn't give birth, and I had resolved myself to it. Then a wonderful social worker who I was in graduate school with mentioned that she had 200+oz left over from her last baby, and that she simply couldn't toss it out, even though her baby was already 18 months old and wasn't drinking it anymore. She had had a huge supply (I believe she likened herself to Elsie the Cow, if I remember correctly) and hadn't even pumped since before her daughter's birthday. She offered, I knew she was healthy, and made healthy lifestyle choices, so I accepted. Hubby was hesitant until we looked at the research and info together - we jointly decided that this was a decision we were both comfortable with.
It was enough of a "stash" that baby E had only breastmilk for almost 3 weeks. And what I saw was that the eczema that had started to pop up, completely went away. And his bowel movements, which had been sporadic and difficult for him to pass, were now frequent and easy for him. He was less fussy and slept better. When the stash was gone, I was sad. But more importantly, baby E's eczema came back within a few days, and with a vengeance. The sleeping went all wonky again and he was fussy!! His belly obviously hurt and bowel movements again became difficult and seemingly painful.
So, I started to research other options. I sent out emails to people who I know have lots of connections to new mommas. And that's when I found Eats on Feets. (Go google them, or do a facebook search. Go on. I'll wait). Basically, for those of you who didn't follow directions, it's a FB page that hooks up mommas with extra milk, with babies who need it. It's free. Their motto is "human milk for human babies". There is little else that makes quite so much sense to me as that statement. Why in the world would I feed baby E anything substandard, when that"liquid gold" is available.
70 years ago, wet nursing was the norm here. Sister, neighbors, friends, servants, all breastfed each other's babies. Then the formula companies came in and convinced us that breastfeeding wasn't normal, that what our bodies naturally do wasn't good enough, that cow's milk was better for babies that human milk. I'm impressed with their marketing. I am not impressed with their product. Around the world, babies are still cross-nursed by other women. It's normal. There is nothing gross, or wrong about it. It is about feeding babies. Perhaps they *have* to and we don't because they don't have formula readily available to them like we do. That, however, doesn't mean it isn't still the *best* option.
I am so grateful for all of baby E's milk mommies. From my social worker friend, to my coworker (baby e got a few feedings from her because she left some milk at work and wouldn't get a chance to get back before it need to be used so she said I could take it for him), to a camping buddy, to complete strangers from all over our state. Each of them is so special to us. I will tell him about them as he gets older, and explain the wonderful gift they gave to him, a gift that I couldn't, a selfless gift. And as hubby said, all we want is the best for baby E. That's all, and that's normal.
As I'm typing this, I'm nursing baby E. This is, apparently, a controversial issue in and of itself, ya know, since I didn't give birth to him and all, but it isn't what I'm about to spill. Mine and baby E's nursing relationship has always involved, and always will, an SNS (supplemental nursing system), which is like a bottle with little tubes coming out of it (also not the surprising part of this post). So, while he nurses and gets whatever breastmilk I produce, he also gets formula from the SNS. But sometimes it's not formula (here it comes). Sometimes it's donated breastmilk. You know, from other mothers. Some of whom I have never met, except when I picked up milk from them. To date, baby E has had the breastmilk of 4 different mommas, including me. Hopefully this week we'll be getting milk from 2 more mommies, each from different parts of the state.
Okay, so before I get into the "why" of our reasons for doing this, let me address the safety concerns many of you now have running through your brains. Yes, (very few) diseases can be passed through breastmilk. Yes, (certain) medications can be passed through breastmilk. Pregnant women are routinely tested for those diseases. The women who pumped that milk , did so with the intention of giving to their own babies. They would not have done so if they were doing anything that could negatively affect their own children. Yes, we are taking somewhat of a risk, but it's minimal. So, here's why...
Had I given birth to baby E, he would have been EBF (exclusively breastfed). As much effort as I put into inducing lactation this time, the actual output is small. I figure I make about an ounce of breastmilk per feeding. That's about 25% of what he needs. Yes, that's great for someone who didn't give birth, and I had resolved myself to it. Then a wonderful social worker who I was in graduate school with mentioned that she had 200+oz left over from her last baby, and that she simply couldn't toss it out, even though her baby was already 18 months old and wasn't drinking it anymore. She had had a huge supply (I believe she likened herself to Elsie the Cow, if I remember correctly) and hadn't even pumped since before her daughter's birthday. She offered, I knew she was healthy, and made healthy lifestyle choices, so I accepted. Hubby was hesitant until we looked at the research and info together - we jointly decided that this was a decision we were both comfortable with.
It was enough of a "stash" that baby E had only breastmilk for almost 3 weeks. And what I saw was that the eczema that had started to pop up, completely went away. And his bowel movements, which had been sporadic and difficult for him to pass, were now frequent and easy for him. He was less fussy and slept better. When the stash was gone, I was sad. But more importantly, baby E's eczema came back within a few days, and with a vengeance. The sleeping went all wonky again and he was fussy!! His belly obviously hurt and bowel movements again became difficult and seemingly painful.
So, I started to research other options. I sent out emails to people who I know have lots of connections to new mommas. And that's when I found Eats on Feets. (Go google them, or do a facebook search. Go on. I'll wait). Basically, for those of you who didn't follow directions, it's a FB page that hooks up mommas with extra milk, with babies who need it. It's free. Their motto is "human milk for human babies". There is little else that makes quite so much sense to me as that statement. Why in the world would I feed baby E anything substandard, when that"liquid gold" is available.
70 years ago, wet nursing was the norm here. Sister, neighbors, friends, servants, all breastfed each other's babies. Then the formula companies came in and convinced us that breastfeeding wasn't normal, that what our bodies naturally do wasn't good enough, that cow's milk was better for babies that human milk. I'm impressed with their marketing. I am not impressed with their product. Around the world, babies are still cross-nursed by other women. It's normal. There is nothing gross, or wrong about it. It is about feeding babies. Perhaps they *have* to and we don't because they don't have formula readily available to them like we do. That, however, doesn't mean it isn't still the *best* option.
I am so grateful for all of baby E's milk mommies. From my social worker friend, to my coworker (baby e got a few feedings from her because she left some milk at work and wouldn't get a chance to get back before it need to be used so she said I could take it for him), to a camping buddy, to complete strangers from all over our state. Each of them is so special to us. I will tell him about them as he gets older, and explain the wonderful gift they gave to him, a gift that I couldn't, a selfless gift. And as hubby said, all we want is the best for baby E. That's all, and that's normal.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Motivational Movement
Baby E has started moving with intention and it's so fun to watch. And a bit scary. But mostly fun. Most of the time...
It started a few weeks ago when he would really concentrate to try to get his hands where he wanted them to go. Now he's able to intentionally grab things (toys, our faces, my glasses) and get them to his mouth. Not our faces in his mouth so much, but the other things. Then this evening I watched him roll to his side to reach for something. And then I had to put some of his 0-3 months clothes away, because he's outgrown them.
I find all this movement and growth so bittersweet. Obviously, I'm happy he's growing and doing all those developmentally appropriate things, but my baby! My baby is going to not be be a baby one of these days. I know, I know, we don't want him to be a baby forever, in diapers, dependent on us for everything. But, I'm afraid he's going to be my last baby and I want to have those baby things to enjoy as long as possible. I want to be able to cuddle him in my arms, smell that baby smell, be the center of his world, tote him around everywhere, meet his needs so easily (though, frankly, I'm listening to him scream right now and he's not been easy to calm at all this evening, so that blows that out of the water!).
On the other hand, I won't miss not sleeping more than 5 hours in a row (and, really, 5 hours is a good night, and I mean a really good night). I'm trying to come up with more baby things I won't miss, but that's really all I can come up with. Man, I just love babies. Maybe it's a good thing adoption is so expensive, or my house might be full up with them.
Today's lesson - I am incoherent when sick and on cold medicine, and just hard to follow when sick and not on it. Guess which is the case right now...
It started a few weeks ago when he would really concentrate to try to get his hands where he wanted them to go. Now he's able to intentionally grab things (toys, our faces, my glasses) and get them to his mouth. Not our faces in his mouth so much, but the other things. Then this evening I watched him roll to his side to reach for something. And then I had to put some of his 0-3 months clothes away, because he's outgrown them.
I find all this movement and growth so bittersweet. Obviously, I'm happy he's growing and doing all those developmentally appropriate things, but my baby! My baby is going to not be be a baby one of these days. I know, I know, we don't want him to be a baby forever, in diapers, dependent on us for everything. But, I'm afraid he's going to be my last baby and I want to have those baby things to enjoy as long as possible. I want to be able to cuddle him in my arms, smell that baby smell, be the center of his world, tote him around everywhere, meet his needs so easily (though, frankly, I'm listening to him scream right now and he's not been easy to calm at all this evening, so that blows that out of the water!).
On the other hand, I won't miss not sleeping more than 5 hours in a row (and, really, 5 hours is a good night, and I mean a really good night). I'm trying to come up with more baby things I won't miss, but that's really all I can come up with. Man, I just love babies. Maybe it's a good thing adoption is so expensive, or my house might be full up with them.
Today's lesson - I am incoherent when sick and on cold medicine, and just hard to follow when sick and not on it. Guess which is the case right now...
Friday, January 14, 2011
What is today?
On a blog I regularly read I discovered that today is National Delurking Day! What? You've never heard of it? Yeah, me either. But it was fun to read the comments on her blog and I'm super curious who all you people out there pursuing my blog are. So...here's the deal. I'm going to give you a list of questions. You can answer them. Or not. I don't care if you post as anonymous or with your real name, just let me know you're there ;)
Here are the questions:
1. Do we know each other in the real world? Yes or no, I'm just curious.
2. What's something funny that happened to you when you were a kid? I'm always on the lookout for a good laugh!
3. What's your favorite book? I love to read and am always looking for something good.
4. What's something you'd like me to blog about? Ya know, for when I run out of things to say. What? It could happen.
5. What's your favorite meal? Also always interested in new, yummy food.
Okay, those are all I can think of, but, really, feel free to answer them, or not, just comment. Or don't. You're still welcome here either which way. I am curious about you though...
Today's lesson - I learned how to put a picture on my blog! I feel like this is a big accomplishment for me. So, you now will likely be getting pics of my little family, since I know how to and all. Lucky you!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Baby E's birth story: Part III
It was approximately 9:40pm. Baby E was taken over to get checked out. R's mom immediately went over, so I felt compelled to stay with her; it just didn't seem right to abandon her just because the baby had finally been born. She was watching him and asking me questions I couldn't answer (because I was with her, not him), so after several minutes I asked her if it would be okay to go check on him and take some pictures. She nodded. He was screaming. I think he was cold, which, to this day, is the state of being he most hates. I went back and forth between him and R, letting her know what they were doing with him. I finally got to hold him, and was able to be the one to hand him to her, for her to hold for the first time. She stared and stared at him. I knew immediately that she loved this baby, this adorable, screaming little creature. Really, she didn't take her eyes off him the whole time we were in the hospital. It was intense. At times it felt like voyeurism, for us to be there.
Somewhere in the midst of all that I was texting people and letting them know E had been born (maybe you got one of those texts!). Also hubby came running back in to meet our new son. He couldn't get baby E out of my arms soon enough :) Baby E got his first bath (he was not a fan - again, I think because he got cold). He was having a hard time keeping his temperature up, so he had to stay under the warmer for a long time (an hour maybe?). We were talking with R and her mom as well as the nurses throughout this time. Finally, they determined that he was stable and ready to move. R told them I wanted to nurse baby E and that she was in full support of this. This was such a huge gift from her, because in order to nurse at the hospital I had to have her permission. Remember, at this time, baby E was hers in every sense. So, R went off to the mother-baby unit, and we went to the nursery to try to nurse for the first time.
That moment, when we were preparing to leave for the nursery, it was the first time she had to say goodbye to him. It was the first time they had been separated. It was intense. It was emotional. The excitement I felt about getting to nurse him was really overshadowed by the sadness I felt - it was obvious the grieving started for her, just a little, right then. She kissed him in his little bassinet and left the room. We were taken to the nursery, and found ourselves alone with baby E for the first time.
It was after 1am. I was super excited. Hubby was super exhausted. The nursing staff was wonderful and found/created a little private corner in the nursery for us. I strapped on the SNS for the first time in 4 years and tried, tried really hard to nurse. And baby E, well, he just slept. He was more than 4 hours old by that time, and he was just exhausted, much too tired to eat. We tried for about an hour. I realized hubby was tired, and though he was trying to be patient, his patience was running out. I finally, sadly, accepted that it wasn't going to happen that night and that we would try again the next day.
We had asked the nurses earlier if we would be able to stay there with baby E. Unfortunately, the floor was super busy and didn't even have enough rooms for all the mommas in labor - there was no way they could spare a room for us. So, we left the hospital, without our baby. It was one of the most exhausting days ever, and I didn't even give birth.
Today's lesson - what I learned from that day, well, one of the many things I learned from that day, was that adoption is still very unusual in our society. Even the professionals we expect to be familiar with it, and know how to respond, don't necessarily. The nurses and doctors were kind to us and most importantly to R (which unfortunately was not the case with the kid and his birthmom). However, they were clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation and because of it I think they tried to just completely avoid the whole topic. Which, really, is funny because hubby and I were quite literally the elephants in the middle of the room. What I've realized in the last couple of months is that the desire for normalization of adoption is one of the reasons why I do this blog. I don't know how we do that, other than talking about it. So, more "talking" will happen tomorrow as I blog some more.
Somewhere in the midst of all that I was texting people and letting them know E had been born (maybe you got one of those texts!). Also hubby came running back in to meet our new son. He couldn't get baby E out of my arms soon enough :) Baby E got his first bath (he was not a fan - again, I think because he got cold). He was having a hard time keeping his temperature up, so he had to stay under the warmer for a long time (an hour maybe?). We were talking with R and her mom as well as the nurses throughout this time. Finally, they determined that he was stable and ready to move. R told them I wanted to nurse baby E and that she was in full support of this. This was such a huge gift from her, because in order to nurse at the hospital I had to have her permission. Remember, at this time, baby E was hers in every sense. So, R went off to the mother-baby unit, and we went to the nursery to try to nurse for the first time.
That moment, when we were preparing to leave for the nursery, it was the first time she had to say goodbye to him. It was the first time they had been separated. It was intense. It was emotional. The excitement I felt about getting to nurse him was really overshadowed by the sadness I felt - it was obvious the grieving started for her, just a little, right then. She kissed him in his little bassinet and left the room. We were taken to the nursery, and found ourselves alone with baby E for the first time.
It was after 1am. I was super excited. Hubby was super exhausted. The nursing staff was wonderful and found/created a little private corner in the nursery for us. I strapped on the SNS for the first time in 4 years and tried, tried really hard to nurse. And baby E, well, he just slept. He was more than 4 hours old by that time, and he was just exhausted, much too tired to eat. We tried for about an hour. I realized hubby was tired, and though he was trying to be patient, his patience was running out. I finally, sadly, accepted that it wasn't going to happen that night and that we would try again the next day.
We had asked the nurses earlier if we would be able to stay there with baby E. Unfortunately, the floor was super busy and didn't even have enough rooms for all the mommas in labor - there was no way they could spare a room for us. So, we left the hospital, without our baby. It was one of the most exhausting days ever, and I didn't even give birth.
Today's lesson - what I learned from that day, well, one of the many things I learned from that day, was that adoption is still very unusual in our society. Even the professionals we expect to be familiar with it, and know how to respond, don't necessarily. The nurses and doctors were kind to us and most importantly to R (which unfortunately was not the case with the kid and his birthmom). However, they were clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation and because of it I think they tried to just completely avoid the whole topic. Which, really, is funny because hubby and I were quite literally the elephants in the middle of the room. What I've realized in the last couple of months is that the desire for normalization of adoption is one of the reasons why I do this blog. I don't know how we do that, other than talking about it. So, more "talking" will happen tomorrow as I blog some more.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Baby E's birth story: Part II
When we got to the hospital, R was just being moved into a regular L&D room, so we had to hang out for a few minutes. When we finally got in, her mom, A, was in with her. She said she'd been having contractions since before midnight the previous evening. Funny, I can't remember now whether she ever got an epidural. When we'd first met her she was emphatic that she wouldn't get one because she had had negative experience with it after the birth of her daughter. Seems like maybe she did... (See this is why I'm writing this now - so I don't forget anymore of it!!)
The social worker showed up just about the same time and we all hung out in the room, just talking a bit and getting to know each other better. The doctor came in to check her and we decided to go get something to eat to give R a chance to check in with the social worker, L. It was very important to us throughout this whole process that R have time to talk with L frequently. We didn't want her to feel pressured into a decision she didn't want, just because we were there. We also wanted her to be able to change her mind about us being present in the room, if that's what she needed.
We were kind of in and out of the room for several hours, letting her rest and have some time to herself. It was nice to sit in the waiting room some and chat with her mom. L had to leave at some point, because she had plans with her family. Hubby and I went down to the cafeteria to have dinner and when we got back R was going through Transition Phase. Now that is the part of labor when (on TV) women are screaming at their partners, cussing and threatening to cut off their man parts. In reality, transition doesn't usually go like that, but it certainly tends to be one of the most intense and painful parts of labor.
R decided that she wanted me and her mom to stay in the room with her. Hubby went to pace it out in the waiting room. I kept picturing him walking around, waiting to hand out cigars, like in the "old days". In reality, I think he was watching TV and talking to a guy who'd been in there for more than 24hrs waiting for his daughter-in-law to have his first granddaughter. I'm sure he was rather anxious and nervous though!
I was standing on the other side of the room, trying to be inconspicuous and out of the way while the doctors and nurses rushed around trying to get everything all prepared. Funny story (ironic, not haha), one of the doctors walked in and we gave each other a double take. Turns out he worked the prenatal clinic at the health department where I'd worked for 8 years. We knew each other. And he was only the first a several people who I ended up knowing at the hospital. This is such a small town (even though it's the 2nd biggest in the state).
The main nurse was wonderful - turns out she is also a midwife. She was bossing the baby (baby as in brand new) doctors around because it really seemed they had no idea what they were doing, as in she had to tell 1 of them (the one who actually delivered baby E!) to put on her gown and booties. R was really in pain and the nurse/midwife started rubbing her back and reminding her to breathe. She did that for several minutes and I noticed that it really seemed to help R relax. The nurse had to get some other things prepared and I saw that R was starting to lose focus. She called for me to come over and hold her hand. I went and started copying what I'd seen the nurse do with her. She quickly calmed down and seemed to become really focused. A was holding her other hand, but she was rather focused on her cellphone, keeping family and friends updated, I think, on R's progress.
I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up holding 1 of R's hands (and legs) while she delivered while the nurse held the other. A was on the phone and taking pictures. She had put a family friend on speaker phone. The friend was rather distracting to all of us, saying "push, R, push", like in between the contractions. It's kind of funny now, but at the time everyone was irritated by her. Overall, I was excited though very calm. R was intently focused and silent.
R pushed just a few times. Baby E came out completely in 2 pushes. I was amazed. I was in awe. I was happy for R. I felt like I had been a good support for her. I did not cry. I did not feel overwhelmed. I did not feel connected. I did not feel like this was my child. R cried. She looked at me and said, "why am I so emotional about this?". I reassured her that it was a huge thing having a baby. An emotional thing. A thing a mother cries about. At that moment, she was E's mother. I was not. She should cry. I wanted to be able to, but I was holding back. I wasn't ready to attach to him. I was too afraid. I was terrified that she would want to continue to be his mother. That I would never have the chance. I didn't want it to hurt any more than I already knew it would if she were to change her mind.
More to come tomorrow...
Today's lesson - my friend Leah (as in Princess, not "Leigh-ah") is a profound kind of person. I can't think of any examples of her profoundness right now, so you'll just have to take my word for it.
The social worker showed up just about the same time and we all hung out in the room, just talking a bit and getting to know each other better. The doctor came in to check her and we decided to go get something to eat to give R a chance to check in with the social worker, L. It was very important to us throughout this whole process that R have time to talk with L frequently. We didn't want her to feel pressured into a decision she didn't want, just because we were there. We also wanted her to be able to change her mind about us being present in the room, if that's what she needed.
We were kind of in and out of the room for several hours, letting her rest and have some time to herself. It was nice to sit in the waiting room some and chat with her mom. L had to leave at some point, because she had plans with her family. Hubby and I went down to the cafeteria to have dinner and when we got back R was going through Transition Phase. Now that is the part of labor when (on TV) women are screaming at their partners, cussing and threatening to cut off their man parts. In reality, transition doesn't usually go like that, but it certainly tends to be one of the most intense and painful parts of labor.
R decided that she wanted me and her mom to stay in the room with her. Hubby went to pace it out in the waiting room. I kept picturing him walking around, waiting to hand out cigars, like in the "old days". In reality, I think he was watching TV and talking to a guy who'd been in there for more than 24hrs waiting for his daughter-in-law to have his first granddaughter. I'm sure he was rather anxious and nervous though!
I was standing on the other side of the room, trying to be inconspicuous and out of the way while the doctors and nurses rushed around trying to get everything all prepared. Funny story (ironic, not haha), one of the doctors walked in and we gave each other a double take. Turns out he worked the prenatal clinic at the health department where I'd worked for 8 years. We knew each other. And he was only the first a several people who I ended up knowing at the hospital. This is such a small town (even though it's the 2nd biggest in the state).
The main nurse was wonderful - turns out she is also a midwife. She was bossing the baby (baby as in brand new) doctors around because it really seemed they had no idea what they were doing, as in she had to tell 1 of them (the one who actually delivered baby E!) to put on her gown and booties. R was really in pain and the nurse/midwife started rubbing her back and reminding her to breathe. She did that for several minutes and I noticed that it really seemed to help R relax. The nurse had to get some other things prepared and I saw that R was starting to lose focus. She called for me to come over and hold her hand. I went and started copying what I'd seen the nurse do with her. She quickly calmed down and seemed to become really focused. A was holding her other hand, but she was rather focused on her cellphone, keeping family and friends updated, I think, on R's progress.
I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up holding 1 of R's hands (and legs) while she delivered while the nurse held the other. A was on the phone and taking pictures. She had put a family friend on speaker phone. The friend was rather distracting to all of us, saying "push, R, push", like in between the contractions. It's kind of funny now, but at the time everyone was irritated by her. Overall, I was excited though very calm. R was intently focused and silent.
R pushed just a few times. Baby E came out completely in 2 pushes. I was amazed. I was in awe. I was happy for R. I felt like I had been a good support for her. I did not cry. I did not feel overwhelmed. I did not feel connected. I did not feel like this was my child. R cried. She looked at me and said, "why am I so emotional about this?". I reassured her that it was a huge thing having a baby. An emotional thing. A thing a mother cries about. At that moment, she was E's mother. I was not. She should cry. I wanted to be able to, but I was holding back. I wasn't ready to attach to him. I was too afraid. I was terrified that she would want to continue to be his mother. That I would never have the chance. I didn't want it to hurt any more than I already knew it would if she were to change her mind.
More to come tomorrow...
Today's lesson - my friend Leah (as in Princess, not "Leigh-ah") is a profound kind of person. I can't think of any examples of her profoundness right now, so you'll just have to take my word for it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Baby E's birth story
I've finally decided to write baby E's birth story. Mostly I don't want to forget any of the details about it. Also, generally, I want you all to have an idea of some of the beautiful aspects of open adoption. This, specifically, is one of them - that I was able to be present in the delivery room to see our son's birth. Obviously, biological mommas are there when their children are born, but, in adoption, a momma getting to see her child's birth is actually a rarity. I'll probably have to break this up in 2-3 posts, so it isn't overwhelmingly long. So, here's the start...
Saturday, September 25, approximately 11am
Hubby and the kid were outside playing and working. More accurately, hubby was doing something to our HVAC and the kid was running around rather unsupervised, but happy as can be. I was inside, just getting out of the shower. My cell rang, it was R. I answered, expecting to hear her voice, when her mother (A.) said, "R told me to call you all. She's in labor and we just got to the hospital. She wants y'all to come. I already called L (the social worker)". I started jumping up and down a little and told her we'd be there ASAP.
I wasn't yet dressed, but, for some reason, didn't think to do that before setting off to try to find hubby and tell him the super exciting news. The windows were open and I ran around to all of them, yelling out for hubby. I finally realized he was, of course, on the 1 side of the house without windows! I called my mom in the midst of all this running around and asked if she could come over to be with the kid while we went to the hospital. She seemed flustered and went through a list of things she needed to get done that day before it finally hit her and she said she'd be right over.
I finally saw hubby walk by the front door and opened it just a crack, yelling for him to come in. He was cranky. I mean super, super cranky. Apparently he had broken the HVAC and was trying to fix it. When I told him R was in labor and asking for us, he just stared at me and was all "I need to fix the HVAC". I repeated what I'd said and reminded him that it was warm outside and we wouldn't be needing the heat for at least a week (more like a month or more). It still took a few minutes for it to click. It really was like I could see the light bulb go on for him and he all of the sudden started moving.
I thought he was going to change, but he ended up taking a shower. I asked him what he was doing, since I wanted to get the hospital, like immediately. He said, "well, I have to shave. I'm not going to meet my new son all scruffy-faced". So I finished getting ready, he showered (and shaved, lol), and I made sure the diaper bag was all ready to go. I had to make sure the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) was in there. I also packed a going home outfit for him (even though he obviously wouldn't be going home for a few days), a blanket, the camera, a few snacks for us, a book, etc... Finally, we were ready to go, and my mom had arrived. We explained to the kid that our baby was FINALLY coming, and we took one last picture of our family of 3. Off to the hospital we headed. It was about noon.
More to come tomorrow...
Saturday, September 25, approximately 11am
Hubby and the kid were outside playing and working. More accurately, hubby was doing something to our HVAC and the kid was running around rather unsupervised, but happy as can be. I was inside, just getting out of the shower. My cell rang, it was R. I answered, expecting to hear her voice, when her mother (A.) said, "R told me to call you all. She's in labor and we just got to the hospital. She wants y'all to come. I already called L (the social worker)". I started jumping up and down a little and told her we'd be there ASAP.
I wasn't yet dressed, but, for some reason, didn't think to do that before setting off to try to find hubby and tell him the super exciting news. The windows were open and I ran around to all of them, yelling out for hubby. I finally realized he was, of course, on the 1 side of the house without windows! I called my mom in the midst of all this running around and asked if she could come over to be with the kid while we went to the hospital. She seemed flustered and went through a list of things she needed to get done that day before it finally hit her and she said she'd be right over.
I finally saw hubby walk by the front door and opened it just a crack, yelling for him to come in. He was cranky. I mean super, super cranky. Apparently he had broken the HVAC and was trying to fix it. When I told him R was in labor and asking for us, he just stared at me and was all "I need to fix the HVAC". I repeated what I'd said and reminded him that it was warm outside and we wouldn't be needing the heat for at least a week (more like a month or more). It still took a few minutes for it to click. It really was like I could see the light bulb go on for him and he all of the sudden started moving.
I thought he was going to change, but he ended up taking a shower. I asked him what he was doing, since I wanted to get the hospital, like immediately. He said, "well, I have to shave. I'm not going to meet my new son all scruffy-faced". So I finished getting ready, he showered (and shaved, lol), and I made sure the diaper bag was all ready to go. I had to make sure the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) was in there. I also packed a going home outfit for him (even though he obviously wouldn't be going home for a few days), a blanket, the camera, a few snacks for us, a book, etc... Finally, we were ready to go, and my mom had arrived. We explained to the kid that our baby was FINALLY coming, and we took one last picture of our family of 3. Off to the hospital we headed. It was about noon.
More to come tomorrow...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
General-ish updates
I don't have anything in particular to talk about today, just some random updates, none of which is enough to write a whole post about it. So, you're going to get variety - you lucky reader, you.
Adoption finalization - yesterday I contacted the attorney who completed the kid's adoption for us. He has to contact the agency, to get the paperwork and get this thing rolling. So, hopefully we'll get somewhere with it this week. You may find it strange, but this isn't something I'm completely crazy to get done like immediately. I mean, sure, we want his adoption finalized, but it's just not an overwhelmingly-we-must-get-this-done-ASAP kind of need. I think, since the birth parents' rights have been terminated, we're both feeling a little more comfortable with it all. We know he's ours and it will all be okay. Nonetheless, it will be nice to have it all "official".
Birth parents - R has moved out of state. We're sad about this, mostly because we're afraid we're going to lose contact with her. We're still texting back and forth, but not nearly as much as before she moved. I'm happy for her because I know she has more support and is "home", but it's still a little sad for us. Total honesty?? In some ways, it's easier now that she's out of state. Though it got easier seeing her with baby E after the TPR, the sitting and staring longingly in his eyes was still a little hard to take. It still felt like she might take off with him. Now, I know in my head she wouldn't (no chance), but my momma heart was struggling a little. Such a complicated relationship!
New job - I have officially tendered my resignation at the current job with my last day being 1/21. However, I still don't have an official start date at the new one. Yeah. I just need to be done with this one. And I'm really looking forward to a couple weeks home again with baby E :) Also, my college friend who did our family pics a couple of months ago is going to do some more pics of just baby E, though maybe a few of the boys together. We're going to do some "Anne Geddes" kind of pics, so if anyone has any ideas of adorable poses, let me know!
Breastfeeding - we are still going strong! I have yet to (myself) give baby E a bottle and I'm quite proud of that. With the kid, particularly at night, I often would because, frankly, it's easier. I've been tempted a few times with baby E, but I'm so glad I haven't. Over our Christmas break, baby E had no bottles and he mostly only gets them at all when he's at the sitter's house. We were super excited that we were given about 300oz of donated breastmilk (from a very trusted source). It was such a blessing to be able to give baby E just breastmilk for a couple of weeks. He's back on the formula now and is a bit miserable and it is, I think, contributing to him not sleeping well (see below). So, if you, or anyone you know, has some milk stored up that you'd like to donate to a good cause (baby E!), please, please, please let me know!
Sleeping - Ah, sleep. How fondly I remember it. I'm excited to get a 5hr chunk of sleep every couple of days. He actually slept through the night when we were out of town for 3 nights, but has been a mess since we got home. And not that I slept through the night, because we were all 4 in 1 room and the kid kept talking in his sleep. That was actually pretty funny, though. He kept saying things like "No, I can not play with you right now. It is time to eat, eat, eat. So back off already". So even though I wasn't sleeping, at least I was laughing. Overall, baby E keeps waking up wanting his paci back (see below for that). For instance, last night/this morning I was awakened at 11:45, 2, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30 (for the day). I'm tired. But, really, I think I'm handling it okay. I've gained a ton of weight, I think because I'm so tired, but otherwise, I'm fine.
Pacifier - yes, we gave in and baby E is now a paci baby. He loves that thing. Like loves it so much I think he may be addicted. He won't sleep without it at night. He also won't really take my finger anymore, unless he's really desperate. I feel a little sad about that :(
Cloth diapering - Can I just say how much we love cloth diapers??! Hubby wasn't so sure about this whole thing from the start, but I do believe he is a true convert now. We bought a pack of disposables (our first since baby E was about a week old) to take on our trip over the holidays. I kind of thought once we got home that hubby would use all of them up before going back to the cloth, but nope! He resumed the cloth and hasn't looked back. I love that man :)
The kid - He is doing so well! We got over the whole potty accident thing (thank goodness!!!!) and he seems to be back to his happy, talkative, super active self. Just like I like him :) I think he's getting to the point where he'll soon give up his nap (what, your kid wasn't still napping at almost 5??! Don't be jealous!). I am super bummed about this, but I suppose it was inevitable - boo. He's such a dear, funny little guy. I realized the other night that I haven't done a "funny things my kid said" post lately, so that'll be soon.
Yeah, I think that's about it for us right now. Super exciting - right?? Right.
Today's lesson - Sometimes I am right, like about the paci. I do wish we hadn't given it to him. I feel like he was sleeping better before he had it. Oh well. Decision made. No turning back. It is not worth it to play the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" game. But at least I was right...
Adoption finalization - yesterday I contacted the attorney who completed the kid's adoption for us. He has to contact the agency, to get the paperwork and get this thing rolling. So, hopefully we'll get somewhere with it this week. You may find it strange, but this isn't something I'm completely crazy to get done like immediately. I mean, sure, we want his adoption finalized, but it's just not an overwhelmingly-we-must-get-this-done-ASAP kind of need. I think, since the birth parents' rights have been terminated, we're both feeling a little more comfortable with it all. We know he's ours and it will all be okay. Nonetheless, it will be nice to have it all "official".
Birth parents - R has moved out of state. We're sad about this, mostly because we're afraid we're going to lose contact with her. We're still texting back and forth, but not nearly as much as before she moved. I'm happy for her because I know she has more support and is "home", but it's still a little sad for us. Total honesty?? In some ways, it's easier now that she's out of state. Though it got easier seeing her with baby E after the TPR, the sitting and staring longingly in his eyes was still a little hard to take. It still felt like she might take off with him. Now, I know in my head she wouldn't (no chance), but my momma heart was struggling a little. Such a complicated relationship!
New job - I have officially tendered my resignation at the current job with my last day being 1/21. However, I still don't have an official start date at the new one. Yeah. I just need to be done with this one. And I'm really looking forward to a couple weeks home again with baby E :) Also, my college friend who did our family pics a couple of months ago is going to do some more pics of just baby E, though maybe a few of the boys together. We're going to do some "Anne Geddes" kind of pics, so if anyone has any ideas of adorable poses, let me know!
Breastfeeding - we are still going strong! I have yet to (myself) give baby E a bottle and I'm quite proud of that. With the kid, particularly at night, I often would because, frankly, it's easier. I've been tempted a few times with baby E, but I'm so glad I haven't. Over our Christmas break, baby E had no bottles and he mostly only gets them at all when he's at the sitter's house. We were super excited that we were given about 300oz of donated breastmilk (from a very trusted source). It was such a blessing to be able to give baby E just breastmilk for a couple of weeks. He's back on the formula now and is a bit miserable and it is, I think, contributing to him not sleeping well (see below). So, if you, or anyone you know, has some milk stored up that you'd like to donate to a good cause (baby E!), please, please, please let me know!
Sleeping - Ah, sleep. How fondly I remember it. I'm excited to get a 5hr chunk of sleep every couple of days. He actually slept through the night when we were out of town for 3 nights, but has been a mess since we got home. And not that I slept through the night, because we were all 4 in 1 room and the kid kept talking in his sleep. That was actually pretty funny, though. He kept saying things like "No, I can not play with you right now. It is time to eat, eat, eat. So back off already". So even though I wasn't sleeping, at least I was laughing. Overall, baby E keeps waking up wanting his paci back (see below for that). For instance, last night/this morning I was awakened at 11:45, 2, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30 (for the day). I'm tired. But, really, I think I'm handling it okay. I've gained a ton of weight, I think because I'm so tired, but otherwise, I'm fine.
Pacifier - yes, we gave in and baby E is now a paci baby. He loves that thing. Like loves it so much I think he may be addicted. He won't sleep without it at night. He also won't really take my finger anymore, unless he's really desperate. I feel a little sad about that :(
Cloth diapering - Can I just say how much we love cloth diapers??! Hubby wasn't so sure about this whole thing from the start, but I do believe he is a true convert now. We bought a pack of disposables (our first since baby E was about a week old) to take on our trip over the holidays. I kind of thought once we got home that hubby would use all of them up before going back to the cloth, but nope! He resumed the cloth and hasn't looked back. I love that man :)
The kid - He is doing so well! We got over the whole potty accident thing (thank goodness!!!!) and he seems to be back to his happy, talkative, super active self. Just like I like him :) I think he's getting to the point where he'll soon give up his nap (what, your kid wasn't still napping at almost 5??! Don't be jealous!). I am super bummed about this, but I suppose it was inevitable - boo. He's such a dear, funny little guy. I realized the other night that I haven't done a "funny things my kid said" post lately, so that'll be soon.
Yeah, I think that's about it for us right now. Super exciting - right?? Right.
Today's lesson - Sometimes I am right, like about the paci. I do wish we hadn't given it to him. I feel like he was sleeping better before he had it. Oh well. Decision made. No turning back. It is not worth it to play the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" game. But at least I was right...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My New Year's Non-Resolution
At a family gathering last night, someone asked of the rest of us what our hopes/ goals/ resolutions for the new year were. Before I could start to formulate and articulate mine, someone said something that I've come to see as quite wise.
There are so many things I could say are my goals, goals that I will actually achieve. I'd love to lose some weight, that old generic goal. Chances are, though, this isn't likely to be a huge priority as I look at my life with two little boys, a husband, a needy dog, and a new job. It'd be nice, but, just being honest with myself, it seems unlikely to be an actual priority.
I'd like to be more deliberate about finding time to do scrapbooking and other creative endeavors. This, too, seems like something I'm just going to have to fit in when possible. And, really, it doesn't seem all that important when I think about what this person said.
What she said, and I paraphrase, is that she doesn't make new years resolutions (and I don't really do that so much either; I more set some generic goals that, frankly, I've often forgotten by about mid-February). What she does do, however, is ask to be open to whatever the New Year may bring. As I've sat with that, it seems so very wise. There is so much in life over which we have little to no control. So much in life that all we can do is ask to be given the tools, the grace, to accept it, deal with it, integrate the lessons offered, and move on.
As I look back over our last year, I am struck at how different things are for us, for me now, than they were just 365 days ago. Last year, just before Christmas, a family member had a sweet baby girl, and though I am ashamed to admit it, it was a low point in my life. At the same time they announced their pregnancy, we announced our intention to adopt again. The possibility that their child would come before ours never entered my mind. So, when their daughter was born, the bottom fell out for me. I sat and sobbed after he called me from the delivery room. He was so happy. I wanted to be happy for them. I couldn't. It was really the first time someone else's baby had been upsetting for me. I felt sad, guilty, ashamed, angry, and a whole host of other emotions.
So why, you ask, am I now blogging about this? Well, it's because I really am struck by how simply being more trusting of "the plan", not MY plan, would have made this easier for me, and so many others around me. And I am now aware of how this openness to grace could have saved us all from unnecessary pain. 2010 started with my feeling angry, and so very sad. I felt our family was incomplete, and because of all of those feelings, I think I kind of withdrew because I was so wrapped up in my own pain. How much I missed out on!
Thus, this year's New Year's non-resolution, if you will, is to be open. Open to what is to come, and open to the strength, willingness, grace, and love to accept what may come and to be able to know how to best deal with it. Obviously, this is easier than it would have been last year because I am in a much happier place. I know, however, that this year, too, will come with its trials and tribulations. I just hope to meet them with grace instead of sobbing this time.
Today's lesson - my momma really is a wise woman. But, then again, if you know her, this probably isn't a new lesson for you.
There are so many things I could say are my goals, goals that I will actually achieve. I'd love to lose some weight, that old generic goal. Chances are, though, this isn't likely to be a huge priority as I look at my life with two little boys, a husband, a needy dog, and a new job. It'd be nice, but, just being honest with myself, it seems unlikely to be an actual priority.
I'd like to be more deliberate about finding time to do scrapbooking and other creative endeavors. This, too, seems like something I'm just going to have to fit in when possible. And, really, it doesn't seem all that important when I think about what this person said.
What she said, and I paraphrase, is that she doesn't make new years resolutions (and I don't really do that so much either; I more set some generic goals that, frankly, I've often forgotten by about mid-February). What she does do, however, is ask to be open to whatever the New Year may bring. As I've sat with that, it seems so very wise. There is so much in life over which we have little to no control. So much in life that all we can do is ask to be given the tools, the grace, to accept it, deal with it, integrate the lessons offered, and move on.
As I look back over our last year, I am struck at how different things are for us, for me now, than they were just 365 days ago. Last year, just before Christmas, a family member had a sweet baby girl, and though I am ashamed to admit it, it was a low point in my life. At the same time they announced their pregnancy, we announced our intention to adopt again. The possibility that their child would come before ours never entered my mind. So, when their daughter was born, the bottom fell out for me. I sat and sobbed after he called me from the delivery room. He was so happy. I wanted to be happy for them. I couldn't. It was really the first time someone else's baby had been upsetting for me. I felt sad, guilty, ashamed, angry, and a whole host of other emotions.
So why, you ask, am I now blogging about this? Well, it's because I really am struck by how simply being more trusting of "the plan", not MY plan, would have made this easier for me, and so many others around me. And I am now aware of how this openness to grace could have saved us all from unnecessary pain. 2010 started with my feeling angry, and so very sad. I felt our family was incomplete, and because of all of those feelings, I think I kind of withdrew because I was so wrapped up in my own pain. How much I missed out on!
Thus, this year's New Year's non-resolution, if you will, is to be open. Open to what is to come, and open to the strength, willingness, grace, and love to accept what may come and to be able to know how to best deal with it. Obviously, this is easier than it would have been last year because I am in a much happier place. I know, however, that this year, too, will come with its trials and tribulations. I just hope to meet them with grace instead of sobbing this time.
Today's lesson - my momma really is a wise woman. But, then again, if you know her, this probably isn't a new lesson for you.
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